To ask how to deal with school bully?

[PissedOffAndProtective]

Hi all I'm after advice more than anything.

DD is in year 1 at school and has been bullied by the same girl since they were in nursery.

It isn't physical bullying but it is emotional and is really damaging her self esteem.

This child will form fake friendships with DD and DDs other friend and will then exclude DD on purpose from whatever activity they are doing. She will pull her friends away from her and will make it into a game where they all run away so DD is left alone for the rest of play. She also says very nasty things to her and points and laughs at her because she has an "ugly face" 

I have been speaking to the teachers constantly since they were in nursery and still this behaviours continues and DD comes home from school in tears at least twice a week 

I have now written a complaint to the head teacher who has said he will launch an investigation which I am happy about.

I'm just wondering what to expect next?

The school is small and only has 1 class per year so moving classes isn't an option. I feel like I have been trying for ages and am failing at protecting her.
Sometimes after I've spoken to the school things improve for a while but before long it all starts again.

Please someone tell me what to do

She has to keep away from this girl. I’ve had this with one of my daughters. The toxic emotional bullying will really shred her self esteem otherwise. Just tell her to hang around with anyone but this girl. Mental bullying is much harder for the school to monitor than physical. It’s tough!

I got fed up of giving the school every chance. I then started to put everything and report everything daily in writing. I also did this to the other girls parents. The bullying then miraculously stopped. Schools don’t really care. Going to the parents work sand I also spoke directly to the child in a form but fair way. The parents and child crumbled as bullies often do.

Too many schools are rubbish at dealing effectively with this sort of thing. They treat parents as if they are precious and expect children to just cope.

I always intervened. Didn't make me at all popular but it stopped DC being bullied which was all I cared about. If I was ever around, eg on a school trip or at half term clubs and saw the bully in action I took them aside and gave them really a stern talking to. The shock on their faces made it clear no adult had ever called them out or explained the consequences of their behaviour on the person they bullied.

I would give the Head a chance to do whatever it is they are going to do and if it still persists I would look to move schools. Mental health is too important to expect your DD to put up with this shit.

Thank you for the advice. I do believe that speaking to the parents will be my next move but I'm not sure how to do this.

How would you word it? In person or message or what?

I'm not really worried about people thinking I'm difficult if it sorts this out. The rest of the class are lovely and she gets on well with them it's just that one girl!
DD has been friends with one of her friends since before they started school and this girl doesn't like it and has been trying to split them apart since day 1 at the school. I've told DD to stay away from her but why should she have to stay away from her other friend just because this other girl doesn't like it?

Aww your poor little girl. Hopefully now that you’ve gone to the Head, things will change. If not, if you are able to look after her at home, I would take her out of school until I could find a new one to attend. Good luck.

Slightly different circumstances but I’ve had to speak to parents a number of times over my autistic dc. He was struggling with social cues and misunderstanding or over reacting to some of the other dc. The school were no help. They weren’t quite coming out and saying it but the gist was that he needed to toughen up and be less sensitive.

Our school are very clear on the steps we should follow and strongly discourage talking to the other parents but since they were zero help, I thought fuck it.

I was careful about framing it as a problem he was having, and appealing as one mum to another for help and all the parents I spoke to (4 in total over two years) were really helpful and kind.

In two of those cases the other dc were definitely tipping into bullying and one had form. I wasn’t aggressive. I was very nice and complimentary about their dc but I made it very clear that my dc was struggling with what was going on.

I would definitely reach out to the other parent. No one wants their dc to be struggling socially so you might get a better reception than you think.

I want to add that we’ve moved on to secondary and they are bloody amazing at supporting the dc through social problems. Chalk and cheese! So if moving school is an option it could be a good idea. Not all schools are equally shit.

Hi OP. I’ve been in a similar situation and I feel for you and your DD. Does the school have an anti bullying policy? Ours does and after being unhappy with steps taken initially, the moment I invoked the policy, the senior leaders took immediate steps and the parents of those involved were informed and things improved.

@Chunkychipsohyeah I'm really glad things improved for your DD, it really is the worst seeing them so upset!

Yes they do have a policy and I have quoted parts of it and backed it up with what is happening to DD and I have asked them how they plan to tackle the problem. I said that I keep getting told that staff will have a chat with this girl but this is not working so they need to do something else.

The head emailed me back within the hour and said they don't tolerate bullying and they are going to investigate and will get back to me with a plan of action within a day or two.

I'm really hoping it gets sorted. I desperately don't want to have to change schools, she could have the same problem in another school and the one she is in has the best ofsted and reviews.

@PissedOffAndProtective I understand your reluctance to change schools and hopefully the head will respond very soon. It’s likely there will be an incident log and any concerns raised should be added and dealt with. Don’t hesitate to contact the school governors next if you aren’t happy but fingers crossed steps are taken!

The best Ofsted doesn't mean anything if she is unhappy. Hopefully the school will deal with it but if not then moving schools can be a solution.

OP my dd in Yr 1 is going through exactly the same thing with a frenemy who is psychologically bullying her using the same techniques you describe. In our case there is an element of jealousy and competitiveness and the bully has low self esteem and bullies my dd as a means of making herself feel better. Dd is terrified of her (she's twice her height) and says she has to do what the bully says or else she'll be punished.

It's with the teacher but I worry about dd's mental health. She's up at night worrying about it

Your DD needs to stay away from the bully. As long as she continues to chose to play with her at break times, there is very little the school can do. Tell her to stay away, find other people to play with. If the other little girl is with the bully, she needs to find someone else to play with. You can encourage this by arranging play dates with other children.

Hopefully her friend will soon see what being friends with the bully is like, and will come back to DD, but if she is currently choosing to be with the bully, your DD needs to steer clear.