AIBU to worry about best friends impending move?

[SparklyLogic]

Best mate (BM) met a married couple through work about 6 months ago. They are same gender - 'husband' (I'll refer to them as Q) in throes of transitioning for some time, wife decided to stay with them and all seemed content.

BM became friendly with them, particularly Q who she has been out with on several occasions.

Prior to Christmas Q told BM that they were putting their house on the market and separating as DW had decided she wasn't happy to continue with the altered relationship. They said they would be looking for a new home in neighbouring city and invited BM to move in with them as a lodger (she currently flat shares so this wouldn't be a radical change of circumstances).

An offer has now been accepted on a flat and the move is planned for early spring.

My concerns are:

Q is about to embark on a prolonged visit overseas for the final part of their reassignment surgery. BM has said they will have a tenancy agreement and I know the internet is a wonderful thing, but there is potential for the legalities to not be sorted before the moving date.

Will BM end up caring for Q going forward? They are approx 15 years older and I can't imagine the recovery from surgery will be that straightforward.

BM has only known Q for 6 months. She doesn't have significant income or savings and the move is a good one for her financially but if it all goes horribly wrong she will struggle to find somewhere else to live long term. I'd obviously have her stay with me for as long as she needs but don't have room for anything ongoing.

BM will admit herself that she is a people pleaser and finds it difficult to say no. Despite the age different Q seems to be a party animal. The last time they went out Q picked up a woman and as BM couldn't get home easily alone they ended up both crashing at her place. Another guy turned up and BM ended up being talked into taking coke and sleeping with him.

I am really concerned for BM's security and wellbeing and that she's getting into a potentially difficult and possibly dangerous situation. She is an intelligent woman but arguably vulnerable and doesn't always make good choices regarding the people in her life.

AIBU and how the hell do I broach this? Having grown up together we don't really have any boundaries in our friendship but I don't know how to talk to her about this, particularly as she is aware that I tend towards the gender critical. I would however, always take an individual at face value, but everything she's told me about Q is waving massive red flags.

Bynp

When you say "same gender" and refer to a "husband" is this a male to female or a female to male transition? I was unsure with the use of gender.

Genuinely not trying to stereotype here but having read the trans widow threads I'd be a bit concerned about a people pleaser moving in (I assume with Q only, it's not clear from your use of 'them'!)

Bringing strangers back to a shared flat would be a deal-breaker for me and I've known people part ways for exactly that reason. Particularly if they are into drugs. It would be quite frightening for your friend.

Generally if they're not compatible lifestyles it's not really going to work out long-term is it? I expect (from what you have said not from any preconceptions) Q will be living their exciting new life and taking new risks, reliving their girlhood they never got to experience etc...

But you'll find it hard to convince your friend if she's really into the idea.

A people pleaser moving in with someone who is going to require possibly some physical care, tons and tons of constant validation, who encourages the people pleaser to engage in sexually risky and drug taking behaviour, is happy to spend the night with complete strangers, etc, etc, is a disaster (for the people pleaser) waiting to happen.

I think you should lay out your concerns to your friend very bluntly, exactly as you've done in your OP.

Q is male to female transgender. They are going overseas shortly to have their final surgery.

Q will be living their exciting new life and taking new risks, reliving their girlhood they never got to experience etc...

This is exactly my concern...that my mate will either be dragged into situations that are unhealthy/dangerous and it will be really hard to get out of them.

There's even the small things to consider...I'm now aware that she has any idea what Q is like to live with in terms of expectations of tidiness, housekeeping, late night guests, noise etc. If they've previously lived in a relationship with more traditional male/female roles, and taking into account their age I wonder how equal the arrangement would be.

I'm not sure they are still working either. BM has a demanding job and is self employed so if they're partying all the time and bringing randoms home at all hours it's not going to do her any favours.

But equally she's a grown woman and can make her own choices...I don't want to jeopardise our friendship by coming across patronising or judgy.

Have thought about suggesting we all go out sometime for dinner...perhaps if I meet Q I'll get a sense of whether I'm overreacting.

The fact that when BM met the couple late last summer she told me at length about how content they were and how's Qs wife was totally supportive of their transitioning...and within a few months they're divorcing and Q is wanting BM to live with them I'd also ringing massive alarm bells.

I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if Q doesn't have feelings beyond the platonic for BM even though though they know she's straight.

I really hope I'm wrong but it's just got so much potential to be a hot mess, and BM is like a sister to me. I just want her to be safe and happy and can see a whole load of drama ahead.

if it all goes horribly wrong she will struggle to find somewhere else to live long term

Why? She found the flatshare she's currently in, she'll find another as and when she needs to.

that my mate will either be dragged into situations that are unhealthy/dangerous and it will be really hard to get out of them

No point in worrying about something that hasn't happened and may never happen.

@RancidOldHag

Her current living circumstances are a little unusual and therefore outing. It's not a typical flatware situation.

The unhealthy/dangerous situation scenario has already happened once...and seems more than likely to crop up again.

I should probably just plaster a smile on, be supportive and pick up the pieces later if it all goes to shit...I suspect she's already aware of my reservations. I'm finding it very hard to be enthusiastic about it.

The last time they went out Q picked up a woman and as BM couldn't get home easily alone they ended up both crashing at her place. Another guy turned up and BM ended up being talked into taking coke and sleeping with him.

How old is your friend? I find it hard to believe that someone could be talked into taking coke and sleeping with someone, unless they actually wanted to.

Are you sure you're not a bit jealous/threatened by Q?

Are you sure you're not a bit jealous/threatened by Q?

No, I'm not, and I have asked myself the same question. A little sad that the move may mean I see less of BM, but equally it's not the ends of the earth and she'll be living in a much better place for a night out!

I find it hard to believe that someone could be talked into taking coke and sleeping with someone, unless they actually wanted to.

I take your point entirely, and perhaps talked into was the wrong phrasing. In her own words, BM 'finds it hard to say no to people' and will just go with the flow even if it's somewhat against her better judgement, rather than rock the boat.

She's taken coke before on one occasion years and years ago...it affected her badly and she's always sworn she would never do it again but for whatever reason changed her mind.

She has a very magnetic personality but is very trusting and always believes the best of people's it's not hard for her to find herself being taken advantage of.

She's been through a lot and been a great friend to me, so naturally I feel protective of her.