AIBU to ask friend to cut the fat jokes?

[mouseymich]

A close friend of mine has had a fairly significant weight change over the last two years. She's very insecure about it but seems to be trying to counteract that by making a joke of it.

I've gently told her a few times that it doesn't matter and it's been a tough time for everyone. I've said to her that her jokes are unkind to herself and as someone that cares about her, they're upsetting. We last had this conversation a couple of months ago.

I spent Saturday with her and we went out for a meal and I quietly counted in my head- she made 16 jokes about her weight in one day. Sixteen. It's things like, we went for a walk during the day and she said 'I really like walks- but you wouldn't think that to look at me!' or she didn't finish her meal and said 'I know its surprising when I'm such a big fatty!'.

It hurts me to hear her talking about herself like this but we've already had a chat about it and I don't know whether its worth bringing up again or letting her continue to tear herself to shreds.

It’s cringe yes. Being humble is one thing, making other people feel awkward is another. It’s also hard to hear people insult themselves. Be kind also applies to yourself. She is essentially bullying herself and that is why you are finds ng it awkward.

Sounds like she wants reassurance? Or maybe she wants to talk about how she feels. Asking her not to make the jokes might seem dismissive - maybe you could ask her why she keeps saying such things and see what lies at the bottom of it all.

I’m fat. It’s easier to make the joke yourself before someone else does. Some people think you don’t realise you’re fat and they have to tell you or avoid the subject completely, if anything accidentally comes up they cast an anxious look your way. It’s sometimes easier to get ahead of that and make the jokes and comments before someone else does. I’m not saying you would make a fat joke or a comment but you don’t know who will or won’t. It becomes second nature sometimes. It hurts when our friends say bad things about themselves but she’s saying many worse things about herself in her head.

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything like “of course, you aren’t”, she’ll know you’re lying and it won’t make her feel better. You can try complimenting something else about her though, her style, her sense of humour, how kind she is. You can try saying again that you love her exactly how she is and it hurts to hear her talk about herself that way but I think it’s unlikely to make a dent really, she’ll still have these negative thoughts and this insecurity. If her negative thoughts get too much for you, take a break.

The way I see it though, is that most people don’t make jokes. Unless I am going to sleep with you and you might squash me or something, your weight makes no difference and isn’t my business. Plenty of larger people are beautiful and look great. I spent a year hardly eating thanks to braces and didn’t lose weight- that made me see weight differently. One joke- maybe,16 and she is bullying herself and that’s not ok. So, by assuming everyone else is going to make jokes or think negatively of her weight she is actually unfairly judging others. OP next time she starts, say “why are you bullying my friend, who I care for?”

It's an odd place being a 'healthy' version of a fat person. Reading between the lines with your friend confirming they like being active and don't stuff their face, it sounds like they might be. They know they're overweight...but they aren't a stereotypical version of what overweight should be.

I'm obese, there's no escaping that. But I don't eat more than 1200 calories a day and I run at least 3 times a week. On my non-running days I'm power walking for an hour. Every day I also do yoga. My weight hasn't changed for 2 years despite this being a consistent routine except Christmas, I did eat freely then.

Despite knowing I live a healthy lifestyle and I literally couldn't be doing more to improve the health of my body I can still see the side-eye from people who think I really shouldn't be eating anything other than lettuce and celery or think I'm a lazy cow because I'm sauntering along instead of speed walking.

It's hard to shake that feeling, if you're someone that breaks awkward feelings with humour, the humour will invariably be about being overweight. I don't do this, but I understand why people do.

You can speak to her about it again, but this is about her own insecurity so I doubt it'll change unless you're sharp about how much it upsets you to hear her beat herself up verbally about it.

Your friend clearly hates her body at the moment and isn't coping well. Obviously she needs your support but being supportive doesn't mean saying nothing whilst she verbally beats herself up. It must be awkward and upsetting to hear. I think you should find a way to talk with her, show her how much you care about her emotional wellbeing and not her body.

I pity your friend. I bet what she is saying out loud is a fraction of what she is saying to herself inside her head.

I would find that irritating, frustrating and fairly boring. I don't blame you at all for wanting her to stop.

BRING IT UP.

She sounds like her self esteem is in the bin. Be her friend, encourage her to talk about how she's feeling. What makes her feel the need to make jokes and apologise for just trying to exist and have a meal with friends?

I think it's to do with the fact it's a recent change. I'm in a similar situation. I've gone from a petite size 8 to a good size 14 (I'm 5'2" so that really shows on my frame - my BMI is in obese category) in the past few years. I hate bumping into people I haven't seen in a while. You can see their thought process on their face.

I think all you can do is keep trying to talk to her and let her know you don't like it. But also explore if she's looking for support or to have a proper chat about her weight. She might want to have someone she can talk through how she's feeling. I am really struggling as I do not feel at all like 'me' at the moment. It's also (for me) an outward expression of a lot of sadness and pain. So perhaps she's making the comments in the hope you'll bite and it will open up a conversation. Perhaps you could ask her if she wants to talk about her weight?

You sound like a lovely friend

@mouseymich what happened?

@HopefulProcrastinator

It's an odd place being a 'healthy' version of a fat person. Reading between the lines with your friend confirming they like being active and don't stuff their face, it sounds like they might be. They know they're overweight...but they aren't a stereotypical version of what overweight should be.

I'm obese, there's no escaping that. But I don't eat more than 1200 calories a day and I run at least 3 times a week. On my non-running days I'm power walking for an hour. Every day I also do yoga. My weight hasn't changed for 2 years despite this being a consistent routine except Christmas, I did eat freely then.

Despite knowing I live a healthy lifestyle and I literally couldn't be doing more to improve the health of my body I can still see the side-eye from people who think I really shouldn't be eating anything other than lettuce and celery or think I'm a lazy cow because I'm sauntering along instead of speed walking.

It's hard to shake that feeling, if you're someone that breaks awkward feelings with humour, the humour will invariably be about being overweight. I don't do this, but I understand why people do.

You can speak to her about it again, but this is about her own insecurity so I doubt it'll change unless you're sharp about how much it upsets you to hear her beat herself up verbally about it.

I’m not surprised people give you the side-eye. My first reaction is that this is scientifically impossible. What energy is your body using for the runs if not calories or body fat? Unless you’re purely eating 1200 cals of granulated sugar, I can’t get my head around this?

Oh your poor friend, it does sound like she’s verbally punishing herself and she feels comfortable enough in front of you to say these things (probably because you’re kind about it). I doubt she keeps saying it because she’s looking for reassurance that she’s not fat - is she perhaps hoping for help in reducing her weight? Gym buddy, walking friend etc. Would you want to suggest going on a health kick with her? Maybe she’s so down on herself she doesn’t know where to start.

I hate when people do this. The more your donut the more you start to believe it about yourself. My mil does it about everything, calls herself stupid, fat useless ..... always on a jokey way. The problem
Is she now thinks she is when she really isn't

I'm obese, there's no escaping that. But I don't eat more than 1200 calories a day and I run at least 3 times a week. On my non-running days I'm power walking for an hour. Every day I also do yoga. My weight hasn't changed for 2 years despite this being a consistent routine

Have you sought medical advice on why you might be obese?

I have a friend who does this. I never know what to say tbh. She is very overweight but she has health issues which make it hard for her to even walk let alone exercise. But weight aside she is genuinely beautiful, kind and funny, she's very attractive. I am always telling her this!