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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think people should just say no if they don't want to meet?

23 replies

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/02/2022 08:26

I once had a group of friends, loosely from uni but we had absorbed extras. Gradually people drifted as life got in the way; I felt let down at lack of effort from all but two of them when I was pregnant and with a newborn, so let things slide even more for everyone but those two from my end. There's been no falling out at any stage. Now we have holiday planned very near one of the others in two weeks, so I messaged to see if they have any time to meet. Replies are the vaguest kind of "That would be great, though I'm not sure of our exact plans" and "Let's work out schedules nearer the time". We have things to do and people to see, which they know, we can't keep the whole week open. If they don't want to meet, why can't they just say "sorry we're busy that week", why waste time with this? It just reminds me of the "we must come to see you soon" crap that resulted in none of them actually visiting when they knew I was very unwell. I know the answer is to just go ahead and arrange everything else, which I will do, it just seems like needlessly messing us about instead of saying no. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 08:34

I doubt it’s anything as clear cut as actually not wanting to meet, it’s more a vague ‘would be nice to see X, but I can’t commit to a specific time now or will just end up cancelling and annoying everyone’— if you haven’t seen them for years, presumably you don’t know much about their daily lives now? Plus you’ll be on holidays, they’ll be doing the usual juggle of work, childcare etc.

Original poster

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/02/2022 09:05

Maybe it has been a long while, though they already said they'll be off for half term week too. Like I said, I'm fine if they say no it doesn't suit, it's the mucking about over it that's irritating.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/02/2022 09:36

It is shit, as it means they likely wont see you and don't seem bothered about it enough to actually do anything about it. Saying that, I'd probably just respond and say due to covid you're pre booking activities so wont have the whole week free, how about we look at meeting wednesday morning at 10 or thursday afternoon at 2 etc

Tal45 · 01/02/2022 09:43

It's worse though when they make out they're really keen to see you and then bale at the last minute. It's clear you're not a priority which isn't really surprising if you've hardly kept in touch. I would not keep any time open and not contact them again. If they contact you and suggest a day then you can say whether it works for you or not.

Original poster

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/02/2022 11:51

I'll just book everything else, then if they happen to get in touch and if we happen to be free I'll see them. I expect they won't get in touch though, which is much more hurtful than her having just said they are busy.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 01/02/2022 11:58

They haven't said they don't want to see you. ...they said work it out closer to the time.
We have things at half term that may change....I have to balance the needs of multiple kids, schedule things with the people that we always catch up with in the holidays, do a few bits I promised the kids, work out what time sports matches start/finish etc etc......and add to that checking no one has covid.

As far as I understand this is to meet with one of the others that you haven't kept in touch with. They haven't kept I'm touch with you either. Why do you want to meet them now? - that might also play a part.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/02/2022 12:00

If you haven’t bothered with them for 20+ years, why should they drop everything to fit in with your plans?

Original poster

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/02/2022 12:03

I last saw them a year ago, it isn't 20 years!

OP posts:

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 01/02/2022 12:05

It's hard to concede that friendships have run their course.

Lindy2 · 01/02/2022 12:13

I actually get quite nervous at the thought of meeting people I haven't seen for a long time. I fear awkward silences or the situation being forced a bit, even if they were really good friends.

If I was you I'd just message when you are there something along the lines of "we're going to be in x town on Tuesday. Would you like to meet for a coffee at x place that afternoon?"

You'll see from her reaction then if she really wants to meet. A casual coffee is a low pressure invitation.

GiantSpider · 01/02/2022 12:17

I mean in theory YANBU, but in practice, if there's been no falling out but just a gentle drift, who is realistically going to reply to your text with "No, I'd rather not meet" even if it's true? Not many people!

I agree with a pp, suggest a specific day and activity. Then it's easy for them to say "sorry, not free that day" if they don't want to meet up.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 12:19

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

I last saw them a year ago, it isn't 20 years!

In fairness, you did in your OP describe them as a loose group of 'university plus extras' friends you had 'once', from which people had drifted away over what sounded like a period of quite a few years, and that you'd long since stopped making an effort with all but two of them. You might have seen them a year ago, but presumably the 'drift' has been going on for a while?

However, what struck me was that if the place where one of these 'drifted away' friends lives is far enough away from where you live for you to be going on holiday there, it's perhaps a bit unreasonable for you to have expected significant support from them when pregnant and with a newborn? I mean, geographical distance often causes drift.

YukoandHiro · 01/02/2022 12:21

Just state when you are free to meet (make it a clear window, like a whole day or at least a whole afternoon/evening) and then let them say yes or no

Mary46 · 01/02/2022 12:29

Op its annoying agree. My husband doesnt commit to things til last minute. I decided this year not chasing people. I got a text recently must meet soon x but of course they dont commit.

ILoveHuskies · 01/02/2022 12:35

Yep

One of my groups of friends I simply can't be arsed with anymore as we've been trying to sort a date to meet for about six months and no one can commit to any one date. it's just such a ball ache and a mission they are all "omg sooooooo busy" all the time

Boring. I am also busy as fuck but I make time for the ones I want to see. So I don't bother anymore

hopeishere · 01/02/2022 12:41

I think you are being a bit sensitive. I'd book all the stuff you want then go back to them and say we are free on x day at x times does that suit?

BlusteryLake · 01/02/2022 12:47

I find this annoying too. It usually means "I'll meet you if nothing better comes up". Your friend may well mean that though, if things have drifted in your friendship, so in this instance forge ahead with your plans and if you do manage to meet it's a bonus.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/02/2022 12:57

I generally don't want to meet up with friends on holiday however close we are. I'm a sociable person with a lot of friends but when I go on holiday I just want to play each day by ear and take it as it comes. I have to make enough plans in my general daily life - I really resent having to make plans when I'm on holiday.
Maybe your friend feels the same.

Original poster

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/02/2022 13:04

@KedgeIsland - yes, the drift has been going on for longer. The distance isn't huge as it can easily be travelled for a day's catch-up, but we got in the habit of seeing this person nearby as it's obviously more convenient for them and we are near them multiple times per year. The friend will be at least once per month near our house and I saw her with the group last summer. I didn't expect much while pregnant and with a newborn, just maybe a few text messages would have been nice that weren't driven by me, or arranging locations that were easier for me to get to instead of easy for others who didn't have a baby in tow. There's no nastiness intended I don't think, it's just thoughtlessness.

@GettingThemFromHereToThere has put it best, it's been hard for me to just accept these friendships have totally run their course. Perhaps this little grumble is me finally recognising the dying gasps, and I suppose that means dropping out of the catch-ups too.

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 01/02/2022 13:11

I think people do sometimes want to see how their plans pan out when it comes to holidays. Might be better to suggest a specific date and/or arrange to meet people individually rather than in a group.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 13:13

[quote JustUseTheDoorSanta]@KedgeIsland - yes, the drift has been going on for longer. The distance isn't huge as it can easily be travelled for a day's catch-up, but we got in the habit of seeing this person nearby as it's obviously more convenient for them and we are near them multiple times per year. The friend will be at least once per month near our house and I saw her with the group last summer. I didn't expect much while pregnant and with a newborn, just maybe a few text messages would have been nice that weren't driven by me, or arranging locations that were easier for me to get to instead of easy for others who didn't have a baby in tow. There's no nastiness intended I don't think, it's just thoughtlessness.

@GettingThemFromHereToThere has put it best, it's been hard for me to just accept these friendships have totally run their course. Perhaps this little grumble is me finally recognising the dying gasps, and I suppose that means dropping out of the catch-ups too.[/quote]
Well, only if you want to drop out of the catch-ups, surely? If you like these people, and would like to consider seeing them occasionally, why wouldn't you continue to see them once every so often when your old gang reassembles and it happens to be convenient to you?

mamabeeboo · 01/02/2022 13:15

OP, book the stuff you want to do, and if and when they come back to you, the rest of your life isn't on hold for a meet up that may or may not happen.

A few uni friends I had also did this, lost touch, shit at texting, so busy etc. I gave up initiating anything. I rekindled with them 10 years later, and they have one friend from the group of friends left, because of their flakyness. And were surprised when I had a group of 12 people come to my birthday, because they assumed everyone else was like them.

Mary46 · 02/02/2022 16:01

The flakyness drive u mad. We must meet up. Text me the dates. I just leave it now. We all busy lol

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