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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to text my now ex’s mum to say bye?

30 replies

Lolabray · 01/02/2022 08:08

To say that it hasn’t worked and to say goodbye?

I got on with her well and she always looked after me and never any bad words.

Aibu wanting t say something like hi I’m really sorry to text you but it hasn’t worked between me and xxxxxxx so I have broken it off. We both want different things and the same issues keep arising. I know it isn’t easy and not an easy decision for me but I have come to the end of the road and aren’t happy. I wish you all the best.

OP posts:
CandyMan89 · 01/02/2022 08:12

You can but I would word it differently.

Hi xxxx.

Just letting you know that things haven't worked out between myself & xxxxx which is a shame. I personally wanted to let you know as you've always be so lovely to me & looked after me. Thanks for always welcoming me.

discocake · 01/02/2022 08:13

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to text her to say thanks, but your text doesn't really read that way to me. It sounds like you're trying to justify the decision. I'd keep it briefer and focus more on what she did for you that you appreciated.

discocake · 01/02/2022 08:14

Cross post with @CandyMan89 - I think that's a really good text.

hesbeen2021 · 01/02/2022 08:15

Because you finish a relationship with your ex I don't believe that means you have to discontinue a relationship with his Mother if you genuinely like each other
I remained extremely close to my Ex MIL for many years until she died, I don't regret it one bit

thirdfiddle · 01/02/2022 08:16

I think give it a week or so so he can tell her in his own way. Then if you want to text a we probably won't see each other much any more so I just wanted to say thank you for being lovely kind of thing.

PinkSyCo · 01/02/2022 08:16

I would leave it to your ex to tell his mum you’ve broken up and later on you could send her a brief friendly text if you wish.

Kbyodjs · 01/02/2022 08:17

I’d wait for him to tell her first to be fair then text her just to say that you wish her all the best as suggested before; don’t pull her into the issues of why you broke up.

Original poster
Lolabray · 01/02/2022 08:17

Thanks I will use the text above it’s worded better. Still feels surreal but it needs to be done! Thanks again xx

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 01/02/2022 08:19

I wouldn’t personally, but if you do, then don’t mention anything about the reasons or issues between you and your ex. That’s not on. PP’s text is a good one.

Lobelia123 · 01/02/2022 08:34

@CandyMan89

You can but I would word it differently.

Hi xxxx.

Just letting you know that things haven't worked out between myself & xxxxx which is a shame. I personally wanted to let you know as you've always be so lovely to me & looked after me. Thanks for always welcoming me.

I think this is a great message. Dont make the message about the breakup, mention it quickly and then make it about thanking her for being so lovely to you.

I understand exactly why you want to send the message, its awesome to have that kind of support and friendship from an older woman. Just remember your ex is still her son so dont make it about him or the break up, just acknowledge the lobvely relationship you had outside of the romantic relationship with her son and wish her the best.

Elieza · 01/02/2022 08:51

If she’s been so close to you and such a great person can you not phone her?

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2022 08:53

I agree that you should phone her. That first message was too heavy. As a Mother of adult children, give us a day off. Only do this if it's definitely over and you aren't dragging her into drama. You seem to want to get in first before her son tells her.

Darbs76 · 01/02/2022 08:54

Why won’t you be seeing her again? No reason that you can’t have a relationship with her

Artesia · 01/02/2022 09:15

@Kbyodjs

I’d wait for him to tell her first to be fair then text her just to say that you wish her all the best as suggested before; don’t pull her into the issues of why you broke up.
Agree- give him chance to tell her first. Otherwise it might look as though you are trying to jump in and look like the good guy at his expense.
Darkstar4855 · 01/02/2022 09:18

What candyman said. Don’t start trying to explain or justify it, just keep it dignified.

Rrrob · 01/02/2022 09:20

I would wait and not rush. Give him a chance to tell her, she might then contact you. If not you could phone her in a couple of days. If you text I would be factual rather than trying to justify it.

ANameChangeAgain · 01/02/2022 09:23

Leave it a few days at least, then use something closer to @candyman89's. Too early and giving reasons isn't on.

Pootlepoodle · 01/02/2022 09:24

Are you quite young? The reason I ask is because this should not really be an issue. It actually sounds a bit like you’re drawing out the drama of a failed relationship by involving his mother, even if that is not your intention.

Fantasea · 01/02/2022 09:27

OP, I agree with the others that your text should focus on how welcoming and kind she was to you, only mentioning the break-up briefly 'as you know John and I have separated'. As the mother of adult children, I would be touched by this.

However, I would make absolutely sure that indeed she does know the situation before texting/phoning. I would wait at least a week too, she was obviously very fond of you and will be mourning this loss too, I would give her a little time to come to terms with this first.

HiJenny35 · 01/02/2022 09:30

God no, let him tell his mother and stop making it into a drama. It "needs to be done" no it doesn't, you break up, he tells his own parents when he wants, if the parents want to reach out to you they will. Move on.

Pootlepoodle · 01/02/2022 09:32

Also, I wonder if you are secretly hoping that his mother will intervene with the issues between you and her son and take your side?

It’s clear from your OP that you were the dumper so it does seem a bit like rubbing salt in the wound to make a point of it TBH.

Original poster
Lolabray · 01/02/2022 13:11

@Elieza Can’t phone her I’m at work and don’t want to get into conversations to be honest

OP posts:
BuanoKubiamVej · 01/02/2022 13:20

I think it's nice to send something but I wouldn't send what you initially wrote. It shouldn't be about the relationship or about her son, but just about thanking her for being nice.

Something like
"You'll have heard from Xxxxx that it's over between us. I just wanted to say thank you so much for being so kind and welcoming to me. I wish you all the best for the future."

Remember that she may hear a different account of the end of the relationship from your Ex, so she may not have good will towards you, but it is not important for you to defend yourself if she sees you as a cruel hearbreaker or whatever - of course she is going to be on her son's side and it's better to just not get involved in any kind of discussion with her on why the relationship went wrong, so don't even try to explain that to her.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/02/2022 13:23

Yes agree with the others, send the message if you want but don't go on about the relationship and why it broke down

Original poster
Lolabray · 01/02/2022 13:25

I’ve sent it but got no reply. I’ll delete the number and move on. It’s awkward x

OP posts: