AIBU to stop children from seeing grandmother?

[Jj2431]

Title makes it seem like I'm evil but please hear me out as this is a very distressing time.

My husband grandmother (children's great grandmother) has had dementia for a long time and at the end of the year last year, she went into hospital for an infection and her dementia progressed. She is now in care home. Some days she doesn't get out of bed, other days she does but a hoist is needed and she permanently uses a wheelchair now, her aggression has always been there but it was off and on and verbal only. Now it is constant and she is attacking care staff when they try to bathe her etc. There is a chance she may go home with full time carers but as it's been 3 months now it's obvious this isn't due to infection anymore.

My eldest son is very sensitive and has already cried before when she has snapped at him. As her aggression has got worse we are debating not letting the children see her anymore (they are 13,9 and 1) for their sake and hers. She doesn't know who they are, she doesn't know who any of us are except herself and her daughter now. She gets stressed just seeing photos of them because she can't remember and gets bored and agitated. I want the kids to remember her as a little better than this when she still remembered sometimes and would hug and kiss them.

YANBU this is the right thing for all involved

YABU she is still their great grandma

If you think YANBU how can we explain to them :(

If she really doesn’t know who they are and gets stressed by visits, then I think it’s probably best for both her and the children if they don’t visit her. She isn’t getting anything out of the visit, and if your kids are 13 and 9 they’re easily capable of understanding what dementia is and why their great-grandmother isn’t the way she used to be. Have a conversation with them explain.

You must do what you think is best for your kids, but can I suggest asking the older two what they think? My great grandmother had noticeable (to be)dementia from when I was 9 until she died when I was 13. I remember being really upset after a visit one time and my
Mum telling me I didn't need to go see her anymore, but the thought of never seeing her again was more upsetting to me, so I wanted to keep going. I think your older two are old enough to have a say, provided the situation remains manageable for them to see her and be safe, but obviously dementia varies and you should retain final call. I wouldn't overrule their feelings unless you feel you have to however

Pointless making the dc see her if she doesn’t know who she is. YANBU.

It's very difficult and if this is then their only recollection of her it's probably not going to help them nor be a good reflection on her life. Adults struggle with the emotions around losing a loved one this way, but at least they understand it's not personal.

Sorry op. I know it's very stressful.

YANBU, and if I was ever in her position I hope someone would ensure my grandchildren/great grandchildren didn’t still see me. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be upsetting them, if you could have asked her prior to getting ill.