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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask about friend's finances?

51 replies

sabrinas86 · 31/01/2022 16:01

I've just spent a couple of days away with a wonderful friend who seems to be having constant money problems. She's single and works full time in a supervisor position and doesn't have children. She doesn't seem to go out much or have any huge extravagances.

I had originally booked the trip with another friend who was unable to go and this other woman volunteered to come. Due to pandemic uncertainty, we agreed that she wouldn't pay my friend back for the event tickets we had until they had actually gone ahead. We've known about this for a few months.

The day before we left, she messaged me to say that she hadn't budgeted for the events and would it be ok to give me the money in 3 weeks time when she gets paid? I said that was ok (because I didn't know what else to say!) and I've paid my friend back myself because I don't see why she should have to wait.

The restaurants we went to were really reasonable (think chain restaurants a step up from McDonalds) and neither of us were drinking over the weekend. When the bill came on the first night she seemed embarrassed and asked if I could put it on my card. I did and she promised to pay me back. The same happened the next night. She's said she'll bank transfer me on payday for her food and the events.

DH and I keep finances separate and have a joint account for bills etc but as soon as I got home he asked if she paid for anything. I explained she will pay me back in 3 weeks time and he pointed out this means she got paid a week ago and also she had several months notice and that she shouldn't have agreed to the trip when she couldn't afford it.

She's brilliant company and a great friend but seems to be absolutely terrible with money and I don't want to exclude her from anything but I feel bad constantly fronting her the money and then feeling like I'm bankrupting her every payday.

OP posts:
Mayblossominapril · 31/01/2022 18:26

Could you say you are doing a no spend month because you want to pay for something and does she fancy joining in. You can suggest a range of cheap activities, sell unwanted things, cheapest most interesting pack lunches, those sorts of things and hopefully she will join in and maybe open up a bit

Original poster
sabrinas86 · 31/01/2022 18:26

@latetothefisting

If you want to stop fronting her the money, then do so. As the pp said, do less expensive events with her, or only do things (like buy tickets for show) after she's paid the money. It would be fine to say "I'll buy them but I need the money upfront," or similar.

It's great that she always pays you back, but what would she have done if you hadn't been able to subsidise her on the weekend? As much as you say she is nice, it could have lead to an awkward situation if you only had limited funds yourself, and tbh it is very odd behaviour to agree to go on a weekend away but not even have a spare tenner to pay for a nandos or similar. Did you not do anything that cost money over the whole weekend? Did that impact on you? Also agree it puts you in an awkward position in relation to paying the original friend back. If you had said no you need the money now would 2nd friend have had to drop out last minute, leaving you with nobody to go with? She might well be a good friend in lots of ways but none of this is great behaviour.

It's up to you whether you want to go as far as having "a talk" with her, or if you'd rather just engineer events where she doesn't have to spend much/has to pay upfront.

I was conscious of her budget when I planned our activities so where I would normally have suggested grabbing coffee from a cafe, I made us instant ones in the hotel room. It was nice weather so we managed sightseeing on foot. The events we were going for were already paid for so she had really limited outgoings apart from dinner x 2.
OP posts:
Original poster
sabrinas86 · 31/01/2022 18:29

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Is she a shopaholic? Or paying off a lot of cc debt? Or gambling online?
It might be CC debt. I don't think its gambling and I'd be doubtful she's a shopaholic. Doesn't tend to buy herself anything new that I'm aware of.
OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 31/01/2022 19:15

Sometimes people like this are stuck in a cycle.

Can you subtlely talk about some ways she could free up a bit of one off cash one month to try and break the cycle? Eg sell some stuff, have a no spend month, pick up a few extra shifts at work

FinallyHere · 31/01/2022 19:17

She transfers the money on the day she gets paid and without reminder.

Agreed, this is a good sign

You would be doing her a kindness getting the money up front so the tickets are paid for in advance, to help her budget.

I think I would tend the plan things that didn't need to be paid for.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/01/2022 19:18

Could she be in debt?

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 31/01/2022 19:29

Why did your husband ask if she paid for anything? Does she have form?

IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2022 19:32

Next time you arrange something say to her I won't be able to pay upfront for you and you pay me back later so you'll need to make sure you've got the cash.

D0lphine · 31/01/2022 19:46

Can you invite her to free or very low cost things OP? Go on a walk and offer to bring coffee and biscuits? Or invite her over for tea at yours?

I'd defo speak to her about finances. There is a nice way to approach it. Sounds like she could do with some support. Being single is very expensive- I know from past experience.

Original poster
sabrinas86 · 31/01/2022 20:13

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

Why did your husband ask if she paid for anything? Does she have form?
She has form for having to wait till payday but she always pays when she says she will.
OP posts:
alittleje · 31/01/2022 20:18

She's never ever not paid me back for something. She transfers the money on the day she gets paid and without reminder

if she pays it back I'd be fine with it.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 20:25

Don't ask about her finances, that would be weird.

Do make sure you remind her (several times if necessary) to pay you back. Dont feel embarrassed about it - she might well be relying on that to get away without paying.

Don't ever arrange anything with her again, unless she pays for her share. She shouldn't be scheduling events unless she can afford them.

Octomore · 31/01/2022 20:26

If she is in a cycle of getting into debt each month, paying it back on payday, but then being skint for the rest of the month - lending her money isn't helping her. It's just perpetuating the cycle.

Original poster
sabrinas86 · 31/01/2022 20:34

@Octomore

Don't ask about her finances, that would be weird.

Do make sure you remind her (several times if necessary) to pay you back. Dont feel embarrassed about it - she might well be relying on that to get away without paying.

Don't ever arrange anything with her again, unless she pays for her share. She shouldn't be scheduling events unless she can afford them.

She’s never not paid and doesn’t even need reminders.
OP posts:
bonkersbirdie · 31/01/2022 21:55

It's likely if she was paid a week ago that it was the first payday since Christmas. That can have a big impact on peoples finances. January is always a hard month.

Lolabray · 31/01/2022 21:58

No I wouldn’t be booking anything with her again. Who goes out without any money? Just say no I can’t afford and don’t go.

BurntO · 31/01/2022 22:00

If you’ve never had issues with her paying you back before why have you even posted?? Sounds like a genuine friend that slipped up

MagnoliaXYZ · 31/01/2022 22:07

I wouldn't say anything to her about her finances. I'd be horrified if one of my friends (however close) started asking me questions about how I was managing my money.

sanbeiji · 31/01/2022 22:08

Say that you can’t afford to front her, and suggest you BOTH do cheaper things.
You can’t enquire about her financial situation without some awkwardness, but you can control whether or not you want to be involved.

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/01/2022 22:18

I had a friend a bit like this.
She was bloody awful with money and like yours would eventually pay me back but it was painful. She smashed her cash up the wall on pointless things (in secret?) or go to lavish places with other friends.

In the end I just would go to hers or invite her to mine or go to the park.
I avoided anything ticketed / destination events
And even when she invited me I declined.

It really killed my love for her. Sad
The last time I saw her she turned up to a not expensive place for lunch with me. After she ate, she told me she couldn’t afford lunch and could I pay and she’d pay me back (she had just been for a mani pedi in zone 1 London Confused)
I paid and never saw her again.

Spectre8 · 31/01/2022 22:47

Well definitely make sure money is paid upfront next time.

My friends and I discuss money but nothing in detail but we do talk about struggles in general though of yeah we got a credit card to pay off (but never exact amounts).

I think its good to talk about. One friend who was saving for a deposit decided to basically not spend any money for the first week after payday. Kind of like live like a pauper then a prince towards the end of the month if there was money to splurge.

Even just mentioning things like that might help her without you realising.

I actually liked my friends idea of not spending on misc things in the first week after being paid and do this all the time now. Really helps me save up.

Askinforabaskin · 01/02/2022 09:45

It’s sounds like she is struggling.

January is a tough month financially for a lot of people. Although she has known about the trip for a while it can be pretty hard to budget for things post Christmas, maybe she didn’t want to go but felt she couldn’t let you down?

The fact that she promptly pays you back and obviously felt embarrassed asking for you to pay shows that she isn’t taking you for a ride.

It totally depends on your friendship if you feel like you can talk about the subject.

Original poster
sabrinas86 · 01/02/2022 10:02

@BurntO

If you’ve never had issues with her paying you back before why have you even posted?? Sounds like a genuine friend that slipped up
I've posted because as you can see it's a bit of a mixed bag of responses.

It's not so much that I'm annoyed having to front her the money, but worried that she's in a bad situation. She's a good friend and coming on this trip helped me out of a bind.

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 01/02/2022 10:11

If you are good enough friends it shouldn’t be awkward for you to express concern about her obvious struggles. When she pays you back you could say thanks and then follow up by saying “I couldn’t help noticing that you are having a few money troubles at the moment - do you want to talk about it?”. Even if she says no she will know there’s an opening there in the future.

Dutch1e · 01/02/2022 10:35

I'd absolutely flat-out ask a close friend if they've got a lot of CC debt hanging over their head. I really don't understand the secrecy around money... it's just another life circumstance, not a character trait. If she's slipped into the CC debt cycle (it's so easy to do) then why let her flounder around alone when you have a friendly ear?