Struggling with alcoholic relative

[TallulahHula]

Posted before about this and always had good advice but things aren't getting any better.

Short version is that my parent has used alcohol to deal with stressful life events for many years. Some periods worse than others. We lost my other parent a few years ago and since then the drinking has gotten worse. Drinking during the day, sometimes the morning. Opting out of socialising so they can stay home and drink. They do work, clean, pay bills so I think their overall outlook is that it isn't a problem.

But it is because after a drink they are sometimes quite awful to be around. So so argumentative, spiteful, nasty comments made. Overly emotional, bursting into tears and other strange facial/bodily expressions in public. Loud and silly behaviour. Undermining me in front of my family/children. It's really really hard. I don't think they realise how dramatically their behaviour changes.

The advice I've had before is to cut contact but that is never going to happen so I need to find ways of dealing with it. I have gotten into the habit of leaving a situation if it's clear parent has been drinking but it's not always easy and leaves me with a lot of guilt.

My main heartache is that Ive already lost one parent and it sometimes feels like I'm losing another to alcohol. Their personality changes so much when they've had a drink. It also makes them unreliable as they will often drop me in it with childcare and such like if they've decided they'd rather have a drinking day instead. It's hurtful and so hard to deal with. Their health is also a massive concern to me.

I know they are still grieving but I feel like they are set for a life of bitterness and frankly embarrassing behaviour unless they change their ways. I wish I could make them see this but it's impossible to talk to them about it when they are drunk and when they are sober they just don't want to hear it.

Can anyone offer any advice or experience?

It's so hard watching someone self destruct. But deep down you probably already know that the only person you can help here is you. You don't have to cut contact, but you do have to develop coping strategies and access support so that maintaining contact doesn't end up hurting you over and over again. You also need to learn the difference between supporting and enabling, and you need and deserve help in managing the feelings of guilt.

You can only do that by accessing a support group for relatives of alcoholics. Al-Anon is one option but there are others - I go to a small, local unaffiliated one near me. Ask at your local services - the GP, branches of Mind or Turning Point, the CAB. If there is such a group in your patch, they'll know.

The knowledge that you are not the only one in this situation is incredibly powerful and will lend you strength. I wish you all the very best - I lost both my husband and my mother to alcohol, so I've been where you are now. And I can tell you with total honesty that not doing it alone is better.

They need to recognise they have a drinking problem, you have nothing t feel guilty about. Personally I wouldn't continue asking them to help out with childcare at all, it's not safe and they are unreliable, you don't want the dc around them if they get drunk.

I'd recommend a book I just finished called 'codependent no more' by Melody Beattie.

I read it because of a relationship with a friend that was causing me a lot of grief, her moods affected mine as I tried over and over to help her. I found the book really helpful but it focuses a lot on alcoholism.

It advises on how to detach if you can't cut ties and more in depth information about how to accept that you can't control the actions of others.

alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Definitely Al-Anon or similar. And, really OP, are your children ever safe in her care? I think that needs to stop now too. Tell her why, tell her that you no longer trust her because she drinks so much. That's all you need to say. If you insist on maintaining a relationship with your parent I think it will probably damage you more in the long run than if you can come to terms with putting a LOT of distance between you. Am very sorry you are having to deal with all this, it's a lot to handle .

OP you can't be leaving your kids with an alcoholic, it's just not safe and needs to stop- and you need to be clear about the reasons why. You can't change their behaviour you can only change your behaviour. Having boundaries is what keeps you safe, leaving when your parent has been drinking is a sensible boundary and not something you need to feel any guilt about. Put things in place to make sure you can leave easily if they've been drinking ie only meet them at their house, always have your own means of getting home, don't allow yourself to be manipulated by emotional outbursts and be aware that it is emotional manipulation to get what she wants.

The dc love going there and she wouldn't drink while they were in her care, hence sometimes cancelling so that she can drink. Obviously I would prefer that to her drinking while they are present but it still hurts and feels as if she is prioritising booze over her grandchildren.

Even if she promises not to drink in front of the kids I would still be cautious

I know, I am. I would never compromise dc safety. It's just hard because sober she is a perfectly rational, lovely person but after a drink she's completely different. And I'm seeing the drunk side more and more often lately.

No but I kind of have an alcohol issue due to being scammed by an ex partner. I’m trying to get over it

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through something very similar with my dad. It's honestly the worst feeling in the world, watching them self destruct in front of your eyes.

It's cliche, but they need to want to stop. Unfortunately my dad didn't, which ultimately led to his suicide.

I found al anon really helpful, as well as AA. AA sometimes do "open nights" where family and friends can attend as well. I also spoke to a therapist re coping mechanisms, but always felt guiltily as I ended up having to remove myself from the situation when I knew he'd been drinking. Like you, the guilt is overwhelming. It's even worse when you have kids yourself.

Have you tried to speak to your mum about it? It sometimes scary approaching them about it as like you said they can be nasty and unpredictable. I wish I could say something more useful that would help you. Please know that you are not alone and there is support available for you all. Drink is the devil in my opinion

My father is an alcoholic. I don't have much advice other than you need to realise she won't stop unless she wants to. You can beg and appeal to her, but it won't change unless she decides. She wi lie to your face. She will choose alcohol over you every time.

Do not leave your kids with her. It only takes one time for her to decide to have a 'little drink' for her to be a liability. Does she drive your kids? If so, bear in mind she's possibly over the limit.

You need to tell her straight that she's losing out on time with her GC because you can't trust her as she drinks. Then let her take the next step. Or not.

I've been living this for years. Worn down by the lies and manipulation to the point that I don't care about him anymore. All compassion has been ground out of me.

My father’s an alcoholic - similarly in denial because he can function. My mother is also fairly alcohol dependent, although she wouldn’t drink in the morning (he would). You have my sympathies, it’s very difficult. It must be even more difficult after a bereavement.

I think you’ve already had good advice on here - I’d say:

1. You can’t rely on an alcoholic for childcare (or indeed anything) even if you’re 100% confident they’d never drink while looking after your child. First of all, you can never be 100% confident that they won’t drink while caring for your child. I was 100% confident my father would never drink and drive, but he did - alcoholics slip further and further, that day will come. But secondly, as you say in your post, they let you down, so you just can’t rely on them anyway.

1. It is so true that they only stop if they want to. I spent years begging and pleading and cajoling. None of it worked and it really damaged and exhausted me.

1. You can’t control their behaviour, you can only control your own behaviour. And you have to protect yourself.

1. They will only want to quit if alcohol starts to have a negative impact on their life. If you shield them from the consequences of their drinking and put up with it, then you’re enabling them. I know you say you aren’t going NC and you don’t have to, but you do have to take things away from them and explain why - ‘I can’t let you look after the children anymore because you keep letting me down when you want to drink instead, and I’m worried about their safety in case you decide to drink while looking after them’. The same with having visiting them: ‘I’m not coming over today because you’ve been drinking and you upset me when you drink.’

I’m low contact with my parents and I never allow them to look after my children. I’d love to have the kinds of parents other people have - the kinds of parents who take their grandchildren on days out and who can help in an emergency. But I don’t and I’ve had to accept that.