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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

HUsbands xbox games

47 replies

marpelier · 31/01/2022 10:29

DH is pissing me off hugely. He started off playing online games with our now 9yo, a few years ago to keep him company and teach him, which I thought was sweet. Now , he seems more interested in the games than our child. Tonight he was saying to me as I was asking him to put our child to bed, which he had delayed for a half an hour to continue playing, that "you don't understand, that is a weeks worth of effort to build all of that ". "That" being a castle or something in an xbox game. I pointed out it is a game for children and as he is 51yo it was a bit sad that he was so upset about it . Also, if maybe he could put even half that time into actually doing something productive that would be helpful around the house that would be great. He told me to fuck off and finally took child to bed. ( Yes I know I could take child to bed . I have done it every night for years - he is a bad sleeper - I wanted a break for a night).
AIBU to think he is being a prick
Or is he right that he can play his games as much as he wants.

OP posts:

CiderJolly · 31/01/2022 14:09

@marpelier you and your child deserve better

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2022 14:14

Prioritising any hobby to the extent that it prevents him from doing anything useful like putting his child to bed, or doing anything around the house is unreasonable. It’s a hobby - it goes in his spare time, spare being when he doesn’t have other obligations.

It shouldn’t be a gamer/ anti gamer thing - it would be the same if he were cycling morning, noon and night.

KKslidoff · 31/01/2022 14:16

@StationaryMagpie

Im with DropYourSword.

Gaming is a perfectly legitimate hobby to have, regardless of your age.

Shirking your duties and being rude to your spouse is dickish behaviour.

This.

Gaming is a legitimate hobby. I do it as does DH and our DC. But we take it in turns to put the kids to bed, do school runs, make meals, do housework etc.

Would you prefer it if your DH shirked family responsibilities in favour of something like golf or cycling instead?

KKslidoff · 31/01/2022 14:20

@SmolCat has it bang on the money.

If your DH is the type of person who behaves like this, he will behave like this regardless of what the hobby is.

I do find it humorous that people are crying about the evils of screens. On the Internet.

ChampagneLassie · 31/01/2022 14:27

Oh this would drive me mad. I don't think YABU at all! I think its sad that grown adults spend so much time playing games online rather than engaging in the real world. Obviously people should be allowed to indulge in hobbies but I'd lose a lot of respect. Like you say he could be doing something productive, or keeping fit or enriching his mind. Building a fantasy castle is not sexy

Oblomov22 · 31/01/2022 14:46

This has nothing to do with gaming. It all sounds toxic and vile.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 31/01/2022 14:49

We had this struggle a few years back. In the end we compromised and it's helped a lot.

He goes on the Xbox from around 8pm every night. I'm happy as he works hard during the day, helps with dinner and bedtimes and tidies away. Then we both do our own thing.

I would find it annoying if it was encroaching on family time or was stopping him from doing his fair share of chores etc. But I'm more than happy for him to do it in his own time (evenings).

Having set times is definitely the way forwards.

Overandout1 · 31/01/2022 14:51

@marpelier I feel your pain. My partner is a 51 year old gamer and we have a 2 year old child. I'm not against hobbies or gaming but we have almost split over it so many times. He used to be up until 3am gaming and then in bed until gone lunch time. Never did anything in the house. He's play Xbox 8 hrs striaght and then refuse to watch the baby whilst I had a shower. Honestly if we split I will never, ever date a gamer again. It's ruined my life.

SartresSoul · 31/01/2022 14:53

Telling you to fuck off because you asked him to play on video games less so he could parent and do housework is beyond unacceptable. It’s embarrassing tbh, he’s like a 12 year old.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 31/01/2022 14:57

@Ileflottante is absolutely right, gaming is highly addictive, designed to be, and in results in the usual addictive behaviours:
An inability to stop. Changes in mood, appetite, and sleep. Continuing despite negative consequences.

The console would be in a skip by now if that had happened in my house.

PinkSyCo · 31/01/2022 15:03

He is also incredibly grumpy and bad-tempered
Other than that he is kind and thoughtful and loving and would do anything for me, so it isn't a case of "he's a shit bloke leave him".

????
A kind, loving and thoughtful person is not a bad tempered grump who sleeps all weekend and uses his child as an excuse to game yet won’t even get off his arse to put said child to bed once in a while.
He sounds fucking awful!

MangoBiscuit · 31/01/2022 15:05

DP and I are gamers. I probably would appreciate a minecraft castle if it was good, minecraft isn't one a play though.

We both enjoy gaming, he plays far more than me, but, and this is a very important but, he doesn't shirk responsibilities to game. Games get paused when he needs to do something. And if he ever responded to me asking for his help, by telling me to fuck off, we would have serious problems. He actually stayed up until about 2 last night playing games. He still got up at 8 and did his share of the housework. Gaming isn't the problem here, his attitude is.

Original poster

marpelier · 01/02/2022 06:34

[quote Overandout1]@marpelier I feel your pain. My partner is a 51 year old gamer and we have a 2 year old child. I'm not against hobbies or gaming but we have almost split over it so many times. He used to be up until 3am gaming and then in bed until gone lunch time. Never did anything in the house. He's play Xbox 8 hrs striaght and then refuse to watch the baby whilst I had a shower. Honestly if we split I will never, ever date a gamer again. It's ruined my life.[/quote]
OMG. You are me, except my child is older.
How did we end up like this?
I actually got the xbox last night and hid it. But my 9yo got up this morning and his face would have broken anyone. It was so sad. He asked where the xbox was, and I said I thought it would be better if he and dad played less often.
This was the first morning before starting a new school and I just melted. Should have done it during the holidays. My bad.
DH has been very respectful and helpful today.
I'm over having to yell and scream to get him to behave normally though. He is also ridiculously smart which irrationally annoys me too!

OP posts:

Original poster

marpelier · 02/02/2022 05:24

I have to post this!!
I got DH to read this to try and explain why I am angry.
He said " you didn't explain how much progress I would have lost by just turning off the game otherwise more people would have voted for me".

OP posts:

Hollyhead · 02/02/2022 05:36

He clearly needs limits. Both DH and I love games but the times we typically play are either super early am (our cat wakes us up so sometimes there’s a window of opportunity if DC are asleep), or in the evening after all chore type stuff is done. Rarely play for more than 3 hours in a row now we have children, and wouldn’t stay up past 11.30!gaming just like I wouldn’t doing anything else.

My point being that he should be able to limit himself equally well.

Patienceandgrace · 02/02/2022 05:44

@RachelB1986

My partner games, he works loads so takes the chance when he can but I honestly don’t care if he does. I’ll happily just sit on my phone etc. when his kids are there at the weekend that’s all his son does and that’s fine but if I asked him to do something he certainly wouldn’t tell me to fuck off, might take him 5 mins to move or whatever. It has a pause button for a reason. Gaming I couldn’t care less, being rude I wouldn’t stand for that

Same here - no issue with gaming but if something has to be done, tha game is paused.

Original poster

marpelier · 02/02/2022 05:47

AAarrrrrgh! I don't think he get it

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2022 05:49

‘He would do anything for you’? Other than anything on a Saturday, as hes sleeping. Or anything on a Sunday. As he’s sleeping. Or putting his child to bed at a reasonable hour. Or getting up with his child in the morning. What does he do for you exactly?

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2022 05:50

@marpelier

I have to post this!! I got DH to read this to try and explain why I am angry. He said " you didn't explain how much progress I would have lost by just turning off the game otherwise more people would have voted for me".

He sounds like my 6yo. But I lost so much progress!! But my show isn’t finished!! Waaaah wahh

NoVaxDjokovic · 02/02/2022 05:56

So essentially your DP thinks his imaginary digital creation is more worthy of his time, attention and focus than actual real life?!

MangoBiscuit · 03/02/2022 06:00

To the OP's DH, your primary responsibilty is RL, not in game. If you cannot pause a game at any time, then you need to make sure that you are at a save point before you need to do other things.

For instance, I play Valheim as a co-op a lot, no pausing in that. If I need to sort my DDs out for bed at 8pm, and at 7:15 we're about ready to fight a forsaken (boss fight), then we stop there for a bit, and come back to it after the girls are sorted. Anyone else I'm playing with gets warned early that I will need to be afk at that time.

Just leaving my character in that scenario would probably result in me losing a ton of gear and progress, so I make sure that doesn't happen, whilst still being a responsible parent, because the gaming doesn't come first.

So no, I still would not have voted for you. The issue isn't with you gaming, it's with you not prioritising your responsibilities outside of the game.

Coffeetree · 03/02/2022 06:55

Yes people can be selfish about anything, but gaming is such a childish and disruptive addiction. It's on a completely different level.

I compare a 51 year old man obsessed with his time trials in cycling. That's just as boring and useless as a pretend castle. But at least he's not cycling until 3AM, loudly, in the family space.

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