"you don't have to work for your money"

[HashtagSexy]

DH works 45 hrs a week.

I am a full time carer for our oldest child. I haven't worked in 7 years. I gave up work to care for my oldest when they started suffering from severe anxiety and then I fell pregnant with our youngest. The agreement from a childcare perspective was that I would go to work when they started school. Then there was the pandemic. During the pandemic, our oldest child became unwell. They've always had additional needs, but these became full needs to support mobility, personal care, safety etc. I get carers allowance and child tax credits. There is DLA that covers all my child's needs and adds to the household income, because we had planned for me to be working by the end of 2020. I am halfway through an open university degree to try and improve future prospects

DH just told me that I don't work for my money. It came out because he was annoyed about batteries being used too fast and I didn't seem to care enough. He said he saw it in terms of he has to work an hour to buy that big box of batteries but the kids will just take them for games controllers and things and he wanted me to care more about that. Then he said I don't work for my money. Well, what he actually said is "you get all your cash handed to you- I'm not saying you don't work hard for it." I said that he was and he said "well, you don't! You just get given it!"

Our oldest has finally got a place in a school that can support their needs. Before this, they were on a part time timetable and I was being called in to support them or collect them on an almost daily basis. I had to be in constant contact with the school and my life was a mess of medical and school appointments for all three DC, as well as sorting out DH's life admin due to his own ADHD . DH is well aware that a job would have been utterly unsustainable until this happened- even working from home, as the care needs are so high. I can't split myself down the middle. I never get a day off. I think he thinks if I sit and watch a TV show, that I'm loafing. Never mind that every time he takes a break at work, he gets to watch TV and play games and effectively gets paid for it. His breaks can be really long, he's not just grabbing 10 here and there. He can watch multiple episodes of things or watch films in a shift.

Our oldest has been in their school for two weeks and I've looked into a job and am halfway through the application and plan to submit it next week. Literally as soon as I could reasonably look for work, I did.

I feel like if he, the person who sees how much I have to do (and does precious little to practically assist) has this opinion of me, everyone else must think I'm some lazy fuck who sponges off the government in preference to working.

I get it and I don't. I'm not clocking in and out at a workplace. I've always been on shift at home. Perpetually on call. He said it's stuff I'd have to have been doing anyway so it's like he feels I don't deserve to have carers allowance. Yet he's said many times he couldn't manage what I have to.

AIBU to be hurt?

Its heavy going being only earner. I never reside how heavy it feels until me and dh swapped roles and I was the only earner.

I think you have read lots into a snarky argument you both had. You said himself he said he couldn't do what you do. When your frustrated as a couple it's easy to make snarky comments and go on defensive.

Perhaps he does find using so many batteries genuinely irritating and when he raised issue with you, you dismissed him out of hand, which he returned with nasty comments. The small things seem to cause the highest fall outs.

You both need to sit down at a calm time and talk about it. I do get it as I care for my additional needs dc and carry house mental load. It's very easy as parents of sen children to start taking chunks out of each other - been there and done it.

And dh had similar issue so we agreed cost and brought massive of rechargeable batteries off amazon. So larger initial outlay but save money on long run. Also brought dc rechargeable packs for xbox controller and a charging stand.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

What does he do now when he's not sleeping? Not sure of his shift hours. I mean, I work FT, but I'm in by 5.30pm, and then have waking hours before I go to sleep for the night. So he must already have SOME time at home when he could be lending a hand?

He works 6:30pm to 5am on a 4 on and 4 off rotation. He has huge amounts of free time compared to everyone else. He chooses to do very little with it. There is a lot of time during the day when he's awake and up (2-6) and he will act like the weight of the world is crushing him to the floor if I ask him to do something he wasn't expecting. I've tried time and again to set chores and get a routine. He won't

It was a shitty thing for him to say. But if he's normally positive and knows how much you do to keep everything running smoothly and caring for your child. I would say this was just a one off shitty comment. Maybe he was just making a point of 'money doesn't grow on trees' but in the wrong way.

And its double hard being couple with an adhder. You cant give lists and rational stuff as they get overwhelmed and fight or flight kicks in. Iv found dh also can make nasty throw away comments which he doesnt mean but hasnt thought or filtered or has gone on the attack at perceived insult.

Forgot to add I tell him to stop being a ass and walk away

I feel like if he, the person who sees how much I have to do (and does precious little to practically assist) has this opinion of me, everyone else must think I'm some lazy fuck who sponges off the government in preference to working.

YANBU. Knowing the number of people in genuine need who struggle to access those benefits I don't for a second think anyone who actually manages to get them is sponging off the government. Your DH is being an ass.

It doesn't solve the DH problem but you really need to get rechargeable batteries. They pay for themselves very quickly. I had a speaker that was using 2 C batteries every few days. I bought two rechargeable ones and a charger about 3 years ago and haven't replaced them yet. They only need charging every couple of weeks too.

@sst1234

OP you are not unreasonable in feeling this way. I suspect you will get lots of responses saying LTB and how horrible he is. This is one of the most common topics for a thread on MN, and it reinforces the same message for women over and over. Do not give up work, get paid help for childcare and share that burden with your partners proportionate to each person’s income. Being financially independent is invaluable and women must not give that up even if it brings short term pain. In some cases this setup would not possible but in many many cases it’s the only way to ensure parity for both partners.

I wouldn't say it's the only way. I do agree with you. But the other way is to agree that while one does paid work, the other does work that needs to be done but is not directly paid for, and the working spouse pays for the house whilst the non-employed spouse manages that home. Take the argument away from who gets what from the money system and in what way as it's irrelevant. (what he said came out of resentment for having to go to work which he obviously dislikes and you doing little things that don’t show how much you appreciate his sacrifice. I feel the exact same way as that when I spend all day every day maintaining the house and my husband just makes a mess then leaves the room).

This works both ways. He needs to appreciate your contribution (again, forget currency), and you need to appreciate his.

I would sit and have this discussion. I have done so with my own partner. My partners said to me I was ‘doing nothing of value’ this month since I had brought in no money (I have four jobs, had just left one, and had not been paid for two more, later that month I made £300 but at that point I had ‘don’t nothing of value’) He dislikes his job and I can see why he would lash out in this way feeling the burden for all the household income. (my income goes on myself and my child; home educating; stuff for the house; day-to-day shopping; anything I want for myself; trips out with and without our child) But he pays all the bills (the rent comes from some joint work we do (respite provision).

At the same time he will absolutely sh1t on my housework, sometimes literally. I cleaned for and decluttered for 7 hours straight just after Christmas, yet just before that I was doing ‘nothing of value’.

We all lash out at times of stress. I think you need to speak with him about the arrangement and what he requires; does he require you to contribute an equal amount? Then he needs to contribute an equal amount in the things you do of course. Sit down and make a plan for this and see how quickly he runs off back to work.

The thing I've taken from this thread is when something is bothering him like being asked for help, its your problem and you're not allowed to say anything or its putting too many demands on him

But you're allowed to have a load of demands on you and that's completely on you to deal with and you're not allowed to moan about it

Also 'its stuff youd have been doing anyway' - youd only have been doing it anyway if youd been a SAHP or had a lazy fucker of a husband. If youd both been working it would have been shared and you would only have been doing 50pc

It sounds like he's feeling pressure of working while you're unemployed. I agree with pp, if you also get a job and then split childcare then he will see how busy you are with childcare, while you get to earn money and be less dependent on him. He's being rude!

I think one of the things that's winding me up about it is the "your money" things. There is no "my money." Every single penny that I get goes to pay the bills or buy food or fuel.

What a fucking demeaning, belittling thing to say to his wife. Vile. I'm angry for you op