To want a support network?

[MooseBreath]

As a bit of background, I am an immigrant to the UK. DH is British, as is toddler DS. DH works from home three days per week, 8-6, and in the office the other two days for long hours. I work 2 days per week (with children) and DS is in nursery those days. We cannot afford more nursery.

We live a 4 hour drive from DH's family. This cannot change, as DH's highly specialised job is where we are. My family are all in my home country. We don't have friends in this area, as after University, everyone (including us) moved to where people found jobs. I had a few friends, but since the pandemic started and I had a baby, my friends have either moved away to be closer to family or lost touch with us.

DH knows that I would like our family to move to my home country to be close to my parents, brothers, and grandparents. I have sacrificed location and family to be where we are for DH's ideal job. The thing is, I am really struggling right now with my mental health (I suffer from health anxiety and panic attacks). I'm pushing through for the sake of my son, but I am very close to breaking point.

I know that the only thing that will fix this for me is a support network. I have tried making friends at baby groups, but I feel very much like an outsider and don't think the mums I have met particularly like me. I have no idea how to find the support I need outside of DH. He is a great father and very involved with DS, but I think I need more help than what DH can give. I genuinely think it takes a village to raise a child, but I don't even have anybody to put as an emergency contact at this stage. How have people in similar positions managed? Do I need to just suck it up and resign myself to being lonely and overwhelmed?

Hi OP! Where about in the country are you?

It sounds incredibly tough, do you have any hobbies at all that could lead you to meet people? Any particular religious beliefs so you could join a local church / synagogue etc and perhaps make friends there? Is there any local movements you want to get involved in (we have lots of local traffic groups / litter picking / town restoration etc) that could be helpful?

I am in the East of England.

Not religious, and my job (teaching dance) is my hobby. I am actually making a loss financially to do this twice per week due to obscene nursery costs, but without it I would be completely lost.

I have tried a few community groups, but they have all seemed very cliquey and everyone there has lived in this area their entire lives and grew up together.

Bump?

I think you need to keep trying at community groups and kids activity groups. I genuinely don't think there are many places where everyone bar you are in rigid cliques. (BTW I realise that sounds like I blaming you but that's not what I mean). I think you need to stick at it and keep trying.
I've moved to new countries where I've not known anyone and I know it's not easy. I found that being a little direct helps. I used to be open to the fact I was new to the area and wanted to find friends.

You have to take chances with people too. I'd invite people over for a play date with my kids even when I didn't know them that well. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

Thank you for the advice. I will go back to the groups. It's so difficult trying to make friends when it seems like everybody else already has them!

It is hard even if you lived in same place all your life, being the teacher of a class you could well offer a coffee or met up after class if anyone wants join you. They can only say no, having the “I’ve not lived here long is great excuse”.

Talk to other parents in park, or playground ask about local groups or events. Neighbours can also be helpful even if you need super friendly but for emergencies and the link. Take your son out for walks, stop chat to neighbours who are out and about it all helps.

You could even post local Facebook page about new to area mums group for meeting up in a playground, nothing fancy but must be plenty people in the same boat.

Hi OP. I'm an immigrant (not in the U.K.) and I really feel that there's an added layer of complexity in that. I see it's hard once we're adults with kids to make new friends anyway, and then when you're not from the area, and being foreign does add on top of that. It's not about people being xenophobic in my experience, just more about making easier connections.

Firstly it might be worth recognising that you're probably longing for deeper connections but what you're first going to have to do is have lots of superficial ones. Also that it takes time and energy. I found I couldn't break into groups before, so I set my own up. I organised a meet up type of thing in a place I liked just to get other people to come along.

You could suggest to your dance class(es) that you're thinking of organising a coffee and would that be something that interests them. It's hard to know what to suggest not knowing what else you like to do. But basically start with things you enjoy and are comfortable with/places you're comfortable in, because at least then you can be more relaxed when doing/meeting and you're priming yourself for meeting people who share the interest.

It's really hard. I have to say that moving home may not actually be the rosy picture you currently feel. It wouldn't be the same as before, because you would have concerns about your DH and him making friends etc plus dynamics with your family would be different living there than visiting. It might be fine, but often the reality isn't actually what we imagine it to be!

I can't invite those in my dance classes for coffee as they're children I may be able to start up an adult class and from there do coffee though.

Is anyone else in the same boat with no family or friends anywhere near?

Suggest go to your local library to look for local events & groups
There should also be some local Facebook groups
You could look for some volunteering or college courses
Local pub for quiz night, book club, live music, craft club
Do some sport
Do some local charity fund raising

Good luck

Next time you're at a baby group announce you're going to create a WhatsApp group to keep in touch....bug breath, you can do it....take a note book and pen and get people to write their names and numbers on it. Do this at the start and remind them at the end to fill it out as they leave, leave it by the door. It's easier rather than waiting for people to mess with phones.

@MooseBreath

Is anyone else in the same boat with no family or friends anywhere near?

Sorry, didn't realise they are kids! No coffees there then!

I have been in this situation twice. Right now I have a very limited number of friends (less than on one hand), but they're busy with their own lives - at a different life phase than me - so I see them once every 1-2 months. Has been worse, but it's still hard.

Are there any classes for adults nearby? Cinema clubs? I'd suggest book clubs but I'm wary of them as they can be very cliquey or just more of a piss up when I actually wanted to discuss the book I'd actually read! Or walking or running clubs? Honestly, it doesn't matter as ling as you're vaguely interested in it. There's no getting around it though, you need to put yourself out there and you need to go for maximum exposure in order to find a few good friends. It's a bit like dating: we usually have to meet quite a few people before we find someone we like.

Join danceteacher hub on fb- great network of mostly UK dance teachers and also Creative Arts Business Hive. If you get to know a few other local teachers you might be able to meet up for coffee. My advice is to stay away from becoming too close with parents of students that you teach, this can really backfire (I speak from experience of this) and to try to meet people through your baby / baby groups instead. Are you affiliated with a particular dance teaching society (ISTD / IDTA?) some have local teachers groups that have monthly / termly meet-ups.

@Dancinfeet Thank you! I am affiliated with IDTA as well as one accreditation in my home country. I will join the groups you've recommended.