to think that a partner SHOULD add something to my life?

[permasingle]

I keep reading variations of 'you have to live your own life' and 'you are enough all on your own to live you dream life, why wait for someone'. My current therapist is v keen on this line of advice as well.

I just don't think it's true. I'm very very single and I'm getting more confident saying that no, I'm not happy about it. I've taken steps to work on some of the reasons for that, but I'm missing sharing a life with someone and there are some things that you just cannot do on your own...

Hey! I wonder if it is more nuanced than that? Like your total capacity for happiness might be at a certain level and you might achieve reaching it with a partner/family/dog but that doesn’t mean you cannot have some happiness now.

I think often this advice is about looking at the here and now and recognising that you do have moments of happiness (with friends when you are laughing, etc) and just getting you to slow down and be a bit more present to what is real now, rather than living in an imagined future. It’s not saying you will have peak happiness now without a partner but don’t lose out on today’s joy for tomorrow’s possibilities.

Yanbu, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner/companion. It doesn't mean you hate yourself etc etc as therapists would try to tell you. It's just a fairly common part of the spectrum of human nature.

Like your total capacity for happiness might be at a certain level and you might achieve reaching it with a partner/family/dog but that doesn’t mean you cannot have some happiness now.

Yes, I see that, and I definitely am getting better at seeking out the joy in my life and doing things that I wouldn't be able to do in a relationship or as a parent.

Of course they should and the right one would.

I think it's a popular thing to say now as a way of geeing up long term single people who are unhappy and don't want to be but I don't think it's actually true.

It's something to say, a white lie that you hope will stop the person becoming depressed or despondent (which would drastically reduce their likelihood of finding anyone half decent anyway). It's one of those things no one really believes.

Of course there will be some outliers who are happier alone but the majority would be happier with the right (and this is key, a bad relationship is obviously worse than no relationship) partner for them. We're social animals and the right partner is your best friend and companion. Is there anyone who seriously says that anyone bar a small minority would be just as happy without a friend? Especially if they think they would like one and want one.

It's absolutely fine and quite understandable to what companionship. Most people do.

You can be happy with yourself and be confident enjoing your own company and want to do things alone while also enjoying being in a relationship and doing things as a couple.

I hope you find someone who is right for you. It sounds like you are sure of what you now want, which is a good starting point.

I agree OP. I'm recently single. I don't like being single. Not because I'm a sad desperate person and would be with anyone (I dumped H) but because life is better when you're with someone in a good relationship. Being single has its perks, I like the head space and I've had time to do some self work and think through unhelpful unconscious thought patterns. But I miss cooking for someone, I miss sharing my day and listening to theirs, I have a dental hospital appointment that I need someone to take me to, wait whilst the procedure happens and then take me home. I don't want to ask a friend. I don't have a family member who isn't working that day and it's unfair to ask them to take a day off for me. It's tiring having to always rely on myself. I miss cuddling at night.

Sorry for my rant but I agree. Humans have a need for connection. We're not supposed to be on our own. For self actualisation we need shelter food, warmth, sex, and BELONGING to then get self esteem and then self actualisation. Feeling like we belong with someone is needed. A human need. Don't feel bad about that. Accept your thoughts OP, be kind to yourself as you have a common human need, that's nothing to feel bad about. Don't let others tell you that your feelings are wrong. Van der kolk says to heal trauma we need to feel our feelings. So feel your feelings and accept them. Don't push them away and make yourself feel bad.

This advice is for people who have bad partners. So many people decide to be with shit people rather than be single and it is endlessly destructive.

Literally just gone on Instagram and the first story which pops up says 'Why wait for someone else? What you need is within yourself'

Aaargh.

I hope the dental procedure goes well.

For self actualisation we need shelter food, warmth, sex, and BELONGING to then get self esteem and then self actualisation. Feeling like we belong with someone is needed. A human need.

For some people. The majority of people probably, but not everyone.

People who are happier single are not sub-human. Or lacking self esteem or incapable of self actualisation.

Agree with @nuffsaidsam. There are lots of ways to feel like you belong without a romantic partner.

I’d view it as a hierarchy

A well matched, good person as a partner is going to truly enhance your life.

It is probably honestly better than

Being single and finding happiness with yourself

Which is Is definitely better than

Being with a badly mismatched partner or someone who doesn’t treat you well.

But the nuance of that hierarchy gets lost when people make pithy statements about life.

It also leaves the question of where does an imperfectly matched partner who treats you well fall in that hierarchy.

Yes I agree with that Blossom.

I think the point is not everyone has the opportunity to find a long-term loving, supportive and respectful partner. So you have to accept that you need to find other ways to have a good life even when you don't have a partner.

Being in a good relationship will indeed bring something positive to your life. But there are also many people who are and stay in poor relationships because they fear being alone so much, and that is not healthy.

Also if you always rely on someone else to make you happy, that's placing a high burden on that person.

Also many people are very happy on their own. It is silly to suggest that unless you are part of a couple you can't be truly happy...

Thing is, if you decided a partner wasn’t for you and then focused on filling your life with stuff for you that made you happy, you would probably achieve it because you would have to find meaning. It’s a choice, isn’t it?

While not relying on someone else, there are things that just aren't possible on your own.

I find that the 'stuff' I can provide for myself at the moment is all very materialistic and fleeting too.

Of course a partner should add something to your life - someone who champions your dreams. It doesn't mean you can't achieve those dreams on your own, but being with someone who genuinely listens and cares about you enriches the journey.

I hated being single, but that wasn't because I didn't feel I was enough. It was because I wanted someone on my wavelength to share my life with.

Yes, enriches is a really good word for what I mean.

You are not wrong, a partner SHOULD add something to your life, otherwise what's the point in them being there?!?

I left my last partner, and father of my DC about 8 months ago because I used to ask myself what the point of him was in almost a daily basis. Apart from occasionally dropping the DC in the morning (which he would moan about), and cooking on the weekends his DS stayed (because I refused to tolerate the rudeness), he actually detracted from my life and made me miserable.

I'm perfectly happy and satisfied on my own, however I'd like to meet a new partner because in my experience when you have a supportive, loving, caring person by your side it can enhance your romantic life in a way that nothing else comes close to.

Well no partner is better than one that brings you down obviously.

But then being emotionally dependant on someone isn't good either.

My opinion is the best place to he is someone who is set up in a situation where you can easily walk away from a partner who brings nothing to your life.

So, if you have reached the point where you are emotionally financially and mentally stable and can survive on your own just fine , then great. Find someone if you want and dutch them before they become some energy vampire. You expect ups amd downs but ultimately additions should enhance not disadvantage your life.

Well I was single for a decade and I definitely did spend some of that time working on myself and my happiness. But I never gave up looking for a partner. It didn't obsess me, but I always kept my eyes open, dated, asked around etc.

Now I am married and love my DH dearly. He has brought a lot to my life. But he's taken from it too. My time, energy, time with my family etc etc.

So I think you can be happy and fulfilled with and without a partner. It's just different challenges. I did want a baby desperately though - so needed a DP for that.