To be annoyed at MIL

[nousernameno]

I have a 4yo who I suspect might be somewhere on the autism spectrum. He struggles with social situations at times and doesn’t like being given attention. When he goes to his grandparents house, he isn’t the typical child to run into their arms and give them hugs and kisses. He will just say hi and either go to play with the kids or do his own thing. My MIL and FIL came to pay us a visit but whilst I was in the kitchen they must have pulled him to give him a kiss and cuddle but he didn’t like it and ended up shouting at them (must have said something like ‘I don’t like you’ or ‘I don’t want you in my house’). MIL seemed really angry but didn’t say anything but when she went home, she told all her other children that my son lacks manners and will grow up to be like a kid who she really despises.

The next time I saw her, she said the same thing to me and I replied by saying that he’s just a kid and we need to give him a chance.

This has really upset me as she knows I have concerns about his social development. It’s something that I’ve spoken to her about (and his teacher) and I’ve already spoken to the gp as well.

AIBU to be upset about what she said? I feel like I should sit down with her and explain to her that he is different but there might be another reason other than ‘badly behaved’

She thinks she might despise him. Wow I wouldn't be giving her the chance. What does your DH think about his mum's opinion.

Oh gosh. This is the start of your journey as an sen parent. I'm sorry it doesn't get any better. People you expect to support you and your kids can be horrid - so determined to box in your child to their prescribed notions of how things should be.
You can only control your response.
Find your tribe - fb groups are amazing.

Does she not ‘believe’ in ASD?

Honestly, since she finds him so lacking, she won’t mind not seeing him any more. And your DS will probably be relieved. I’d keep my distance, if I were you.

Let it go. She wont understand him and doesn't want to. I wouldn't waste breath explaining anything

She sounds completely awful. I would actually respect your DS for saying what most people in that situation would think but not say

@Ffsmakeitstop

She thinks she might despise him. Wow I wouldn't be giving her the chance. What does your DH think about his mum's opinion.

This.

What a vile thing to say about any child, let alone your grandchild.

One of my DGC was a bit like that but he has grown out of it.

I don't think your MIL will ever grow into a nice person. She wouldn't be welcome in my house again.

Maybe you could tell her that if she continues to say things like that you might end up despising her. At least your ds has the excuse of being 4 what's hers?

You need to ignore every single person who won't be a friend to you and your child. They can say what they like, think what they like. Their loss. Don't apologise for him. Explain and they can do what they like.

I would expect my husband to read her the riot act.

Your child doesn't owe her anything and has a right to bodily autonomy.

Even if my child is NT I will never expect or enforce hugs and kisses for relatives. I am a highly tactile person and still remember being forced to endure physical contact as a child. (Mostly overperfumed aunts with sticky lipstick ) it was awful.

Apparently it’s quite common for gp’s to dislike their dgc if they’re not NT.
I was talking to a woman at an activity I do.
I don’t know her well but her dgs who has autism helps his parents sometimes in their business. He’s about 13.
I was saying what a nice lad he is.
His dgm told me that she couldn’t stand him, and that when he was about 4 his mum left him with her for a few hours and he played up so she smacked his legs very hard.
Me and the woman opposite had wtf faces.
I was so shocked.

You need to protect your dc and never leave him alone with in-laws.

MIL needs to learn to respect her grandchilds wishes! My MIL has form for grabbing my child against her will for a hug etc and I've lost count of the nun er of times we've had to remind her of consent and doing it against our child's wishes.

Explain about forcing a child to endure hugs and kisses and what it might mean if the person was not of good intentions. It may not, genuinely, have enteted her mind.

She should be respectful of his bodily autonomy. Children aren't dolls and she's the one who lacks manners.

What a horrible thing for her to say. My son (4) has some sensory issues and can find hugs and kisses uncomfortable, his grandmother who knows this respects his boundaries and only gives him physical affection if he's ok with it or of he goes to her first. I know she would never accuse him of being badly behaved or rude because of his issues, she just accepts they are a part of him. Your MIL doesn't sound very kind or understanding at all

Please don’t let him run out of your sight so she can’t whinge about his behaviour: if you prevent her making a grab for him, then he won’t react. She sounds incredibly intolerant.

My DS has autism, diagnosed at 5. We'd already started the long process of getting a diagnosis and help when around 3 yrs old there was an incident. His DGF asked him to not do something, he ignored him several times (very normal for him- avoidant) and DGF raised his voice which made my DS laugh. My DGF lost his temper and smacked him. He got read the riot act by DGM. He was mortified afterwards and from then on he changed his outlook and bent over backwards to 'understand' him.
I absolutely believe you/DH should have a word with her and explain. If she takes it on board, fine, see how things go but if she's resistant then avoid her at all costs. It's going to be a hard road for your DC and they don't need close family with that attitude.

Whether neurotypical or neurodiverse, children are entitled to bodily autonomy, and it’s not ‘bad behaviour’ or ‘bad manners’ for them to reject unwanted physical contact!

My son is like this but not on the spectrum, just reserved and hates attention. I absolutely loathe when people try to force a kiss or cuddle from him and have now he says 'no means no' and that's the end of it

Your MIL sounds like her feelings are hurt and she is acting like a spiteful child.

@Walkingalot

My DS has autism, diagnosed at 5. We'd already started the long process of getting a diagnosis and help when around 3 yrs old there was an incident. His DGF asked him to not do something, he ignored him several times (very normal for him- avoidant) and DGF raised his voice which made my DS laugh. My DGF lost his temper and smacked him. He got read the riot act by DGM. He was mortified afterwards and from then on he changed his outlook and bent over backwards to 'understand' him. I absolutely believe you/DH should have a word with her and explain. If she takes it on board, fine, see how things go but if she's resistant then avoid her at all costs. It's going to be a hard road for your DC and they don't need close family with that attitude.

I love this. Your FIL sounds lovely now. Obviously not the smack, sensory issues or not a smack is vile but I like that he wants to understand