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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to force DS to go to his mums?

17 replies

ykimec · 29/01/2022 12:39

Me and my ex wife split up when our youngest son was about 6, and our 4 children lived with me, but went to hers every other weekend, they're all now in their 20s but my youngest is 15. Most weekends we go to the football and he's started saying he doesn't want to go to his mums.

He was due to go this weekend, but yesterday he told me he was going out with his friend so I didn't take him to his mums. His mum wasn't happy with this and she accused me of not allowing him to go. He told one of his sisters that he doesn't like going as she doesn't allow him to be on his phone and her new boyfriend is always there so I don't want to force him especially as he is now 15, almost 16 if he was younger, I probably would.

Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Cardilogical · 29/01/2022 12:53

No.

RockAndHardPlace1 · 29/01/2022 12:54

He's 15, he's old enough to choose himself. Even if she went to court they'd tell her the same.

Winday · 29/01/2022 12:55

At 15 I'd expect him to tell her this himself. Can't his mum pick up from you?

Winday · 29/01/2022 12:55

Should add: You're not.in the wrong, yenisnold enough to decide for himself. But he needs to tell her.

Winniemarysarah · 29/01/2022 12:58

Does he not like her new boyfriend? Have you told her this?

Porcupineintherough · 29/01/2022 12:58

You are not wrong not to force him but, imo, it would be bad for him to lose his relationship with his mum so you should encourage them to talk to each other and find a way of keeping up contact that works for both of them.

Sn0tnose · 29/01/2022 13:15

You’re absolutely not in the wrong. I think that at 15, the onus for maintaining their relationship should be shifting from you and onto him. He’s old enough now. And I think it’s probably far easier for her to blame you for not letting him come rather than acknowledge that he doesn’t want to.

Does he actually have the confidence to tell her he doesn’t like going there because of the phone/new boyfriend? Or that he’s of an age where weekends are all about seeing your mates? Because if he doesn’t, will he simply start avoiding her on a long term basis so he doesn’t have to tell his mum he doesn’t like visiting? Teenagers are definitely more confident than they used to be, but that’s not going to be an easy conversation for him to have. Could you suggest to him that he talks to her about maybe meeting midweek after school so he can do something with his mates at the weekend? Perhaps the two of them going to see a film or bowling or something, so it becomes more about quality time rather than quantity.

Hankunamatata · 29/01/2022 13:20

I think it's a difficult balance. Not many teens want to hang with their parents given a choice. I would be encouraging teen even to go for a day and not stay over etc. He could lose all contact with his mother. Its michnharder for non resident parent to maintain contact with a teen as they arnt in same house all the time

Ozanj · 29/01/2022 13:20

Why can’t he go to hers after football / socialising so he’s having dinner and Sundays with her? Why can’t he shift over to more frequent mid-week visits? Who is telling him that the only option is the full wknd or no contact?

GreetingsAndSalutations · 29/01/2022 13:21

He's nearly 16, he absolutely has the right to choose whether he goes to him mum’s for the weekend or not. If my kids really didn’t want to visit me I’d be hurt but I like to think I’d be examining what I could do to make changes so they did want to come.

Gizacluethen · 29/01/2022 13:22

He's old enough to choose where he wants to be. I'd stop the set arrangement and leave it to them to decide on contact arrangements.

burnthur5t · 29/01/2022 13:33

If he doesn't want to go then that's the end of it

Forcing him won't be any fun for him or his mum if he doesn't want to be there

melj1213 · 29/01/2022 13:58

If he was 5 then I would say you need to send him to him mum's anyway but at 15 he is old enough to decide whether he wants to go or not.

I would maybe encourage him to still go for some time so he still keeps his relationship with his mum, but could it be compromised that at the very least he goes over for Sunday lunch and sees her for a couple of hours?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 29/01/2022 14:03

Both my older dcs stopped staying at their dad's around the age of 14,15. They'd go round for a few hours occasionally when they wanted to. I definitely wouldn't try and force them at that age bit I'd try to encourage your son to keep communication open and vist for a few hours if he doesn't want to stay the night

Sportslady44 · 29/01/2022 14:05

abit selfish isnt it, mum still wants to see him she is his mum.

Why cant people stop thinking about these things from only one side.

Oh and he dosent like her boyfriend tough, has he ever thought the bf might not like him.

Notamumonhere · 29/01/2022 16:35

I imagine that if the situation was reversed that everyone would be saying it’s fine that they don’t see their dad

HelloDulling · 29/01/2022 16:48

He doesn’t have to go, but he really should tell her he doesn’t want to. With your support, if he likes.

Why doesn’t she come and collect him? Could she come over and just take him out for dinner, instead of for an overnight?

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