... to wonder it is possible "change" a lazy DP

[ApresGoldRush]

NC for this. I'm in relationship with a nice kind thoughtful man. Met almost a year ago. Was not looking for a relationship, it was him to took the lead on asking out, arranging, dates, etc. (Like me) he has a good job in the same industry, his own home and divorced several years. He has no DC, I have one DD. Lots of good things, he is my type, friends/family like him.

As we come up to 12 months, and as we see more of each, there is one thing that really annoys me and that's what I can only call general laziness. Small things like never wanting to go for a walk (he is healthy eater and not overweight), drive to/from local coffee shop with is 1/2 mile away, always leaves dishes until the next day, leaves old newspapers in house for weeks. There are a whole list of things household things that I'd complain about if it were my DD.

I am realising this as we think about a break at Easter. He doesn't really seem to care about where we go, or what we do.

Even though I like him, and we have a lot in common, I'm thinking this is not for me. Anyone ever managed to change a lazy partner? Or this just who he is, and we're not compatible.

You don't mention age. But I'd assume you are 30-50s? I think it's unlikely to able to "change" or reform another adult. That has to come from himself.

Personally, I'd hate to live in a dump/messy house. Perhaps this laziness is why he is divorced?

Maybe you are not that into him?

Anyone ever managed to change a lazy partner?

Nobody ever changed another person. People rarely change, and if they do, it's because they wanted to.

Do not enter or continue a relationship in the belief or expectation that you will be able to change them.

No

If you live in different houses, it would be an issue but not a huge one perhaps. If you ever plan on living together, it would be a deal breaker (for me anyway)

@Mrstwiddle

If you live in different houses, it would be an issue but not a huge one perhaps. If you ever plan on living together, it would be a deal breaker (for me anyway)

Agree. But no OP you won't change him.

No, you can't change him.

Personally, some newspapers or washing up the next day wouldn't be a deal-breaker, seems quite minor in the grand scheme of things, but no you can't change him.

No, you can’t change him. Have you looked at the relationship board which is full of people still waiting for their DPs to change after years. Only now they’re stuck because they’ve got a child, and they’re exhausted and resentful.

You can't and shouldn't try and change people .
Many people wouldn't have a problem with what he does just because it's not how you want it and when you want it dome means it's wrong we are all different and have different standards and ways of doing things .

I hate going for a walk (unless it’s with the dog).

I drive to the local co/op although it’s probs a 15min walk.

I’ve got stacks of magazines (gin ones) on a chair in the dining room.

Frequently leave the dishes until the next morning especially if I’ve had a big dinner and a glass or two of wine.

I’m very definitely not lazy though.

You can’t change people, and you should not continue a relationship on the basis that he might change. What you need to do is to decide what you can accept and what you can’t and whether the good things balance out the bad.

If you carry on thinking these are only small things, surely he will see that walking is better than driving or that it only takes five minutes to wash the day’s dishes, etc etc you will only in the end make both of you unhappy.

You can't make people change,you will exhaust yourself trying.

Its a different lifestyle and attitude imho.
Perhaps you are used to have more structure in your life that has been making you certain things at certain times or on a certain schedule than he has.

I disagree that people can’t change. My DH has changed a huge amount since we first met (just as an example - back then he threw his dirty laundry on the floor; now he and I take equal responsibility for the laundry). These changes have involved quite a lot of nagging on my part. But we were at Uni when we met and hopefully he would’ve grown up on his own anyway

In response to your question - yes, I think he could potentially change, but only if he wants to. Have you raised these things with him? Are some non-negotiable (I can’t bear washing up to be left overnight, for example) and some actually okay?

Thanks for the replies above. Most align with what I was thinking anyway, and nice to see some different opinions too.

I enjoy his company, but at this stage I'm clear on what I like and don't like. While it was nice to have sex, he's also inclined to be lazy in bed, which is another thing I don't like (sometimes just lies there, expects me to do all the work!)

He's a good guy in many ways, I like him a lot, and but he will be a better fit somebody else.

I'm lazy in those ways too, but I'd call it laid back. You'd be too uptight for me if such small things bother you, don't stay with him unless you're happy to change too.

@Tal45, feel free to call it laid back for you :) It's lazy for me. Anyway I convinced it is the best decision for me. He's a good guy, and I hope he'll find someone more compatible.

My dh did evolve into a more functional adult when we started living together.. Previously he was a slovenly slob..

Nah! He will get lazier with age, it drives in insane when people can’t be arsed to enjoy the day. Incompatibility can breed resentment.

Have you considered changing to his ways