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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need advice. Feel trapped because of my parents

22 replies

ExtremeCase · 29/01/2022 07:14

Just to give some background information, I see my partner every 2-3 weeks with my own money and I had to ask my dad permission for going to see her an hour away by train. Last month after boxing day shit kicked off because I dared to buy the train ticket as I had already made plans and my mum demanded that I ask my dad or I can’t go. Bearing in mind that I have never really been out much in the past before august, so I asked him and he got pissed off at me asking why I expect him to say yes all the time and why my partner (they know her as a friend and then started questioning why she was so important that i had to see her all the time, i wanted to be with her because she was struggling with her mental health) and my parents knew this and said that friends are irrelevant and why is she so important that I go against my family. I told them they were so selfish and cruel and i had a go at them back since he snatched my phone with full force from my hand and it hurt my hand and he made a comment that I don’t pay for it when I bloody do, my mum ended up telling him to give me it back. I said i have a train to catch and I’m just gonna leave anyway, they ending up tightening the locks and hiding the keys so mine wouldn’t even work. I escaped the next day and ran away for 3 nights, i ignored their calls and told my mother that one of the biggest reasons was because of her abuse of me as a child and me being sexually assaulted as a child by another woman, and how him snatching my phone out of my hand and them two hiding the keys made me feel trapped and how my only fucking comfort is my partner who they see as a “friend.” I am 20 next month. Her response was to sum it up “well I’ve apologised for it, but seems like you still have hatred towards me and you said there was no point as the woman had already left so I couldn’t pursue it further” then said it sounds like i just wanted to move out and told me to take care. SHE had the audacity to threaten to the leave the home. I’ve started university and now have my student maintenance and grant. I moved out to my grandmothers and i still feel so trapped as they have access to this house.

They claim I’m only allowed to visit people locally but I’m getting completely sick of them now. I hate them for controlling my life, I can’t even have sleepovers. I am sick of asking for permission about their pathetic “safety concerns.”

OP posts:
Isgooglebroken · 29/01/2022 07:20

They sound awful!

I would suggest speaking to student services/pastoral care for help to put things in place so that you can live independently and escape the control of your parents.

ExtremeCase · 29/01/2022 07:22

They have me and my sister on this tracking app. My dad wanted to take us all to pakistan as well, my mum is so against us going there but honestly what happens if she eventually gives in and agrees? I don’t trust them anymore, I can’t trust my grandmother (mums mum) either. Just because I left a subway wrapper in its bag on my bed, my mum told my grandmother that I can’t eat upstairs. The only control I have is whether I eat or not and how I can eat. Everything else gets controlled. What I wear is controlled, where i go is controlled, i have to be home before it’s dark. I’m just tired of it all.

I still resent for the comment she made about my miscarriage telling me that I don’t even know what grief is, telling me when i was 14 that I had to put my nightgown on when we stayed with family ij london and i told her i wasn’t cold and she kicked my stomach because i told her I didn’t want to so i had no choice to put it on. The same uncle who started at my chest when i was 12 when i was getting changed in my room. Around that time they came to ours, and i wanted to wear a dress i had that was shoulder sleeved so i wore a short cardigan and my mum had a go at me because my dad’s brother in law would be there and slut shamed me saying that I dressed like a tart in front of my adult cousin who laughed.
She’s called me a mong a different situation for having my hair up and when i stood up for myself she threatened to leave me in the shopping centre and i got told off for being disobedient.

She acts nice in between and does so most the time and claims she cares for our safety but I don’t believe it anymore

OP posts:
Namenic · 29/01/2022 07:25

I hope you can get help
From uni or gp and also counselling. Sending you best wishes.

PerseverancePays · 29/01/2022 07:28

It sounds like you are not sure what your freedoms are as a twenty year old. Are you in the UK? If you are, you can make your own choices from eighteen. Go and talk to your university pastoral care, and explain your difficulties with your family, they should be able to point you in the direction of better housing.
You need to sign up for some counselling to deal with your childhood trauma. You also need to work on your boundaries, your family don’t own you and you are not responsible for your friend’s mental health. Only she is.
You are doing great; you are at university which is a great place to learn and grow as a person and you are asking for help. Work hard at your studies and at being independent and you’ll be just fine.

PerseverancePays · 29/01/2022 07:39

Having read your update and that you are in fear of being taken to Pakistan and I am assuming here, a forced marriage, maybe you should contact a helpline that specifically will help you escape that particular fate. I am not from your culture but I know that there are women from your culture who have set up helplines for the type of abuse you are suffering. They will totally understand where you are coming from.

uggmum · 29/01/2022 07:43

It sounds like you are in a terrible abusive relationship with your Parents.

Please consider calling Woman's aid. They may help you find a refuge, a place of safety.

The police also have a phone line for people to call if they feel they are being trafficked into a forced marriage. I think they can block your passport so you can't travel out of the U.K.

RockAndHardPlace1 · 29/01/2022 07:45

Ring womens aid please don't go back. This isn't normal, your an adult they have no rights to boss you around and trap you in the house.

Leave today and drop all contact with them op.

ExtremeCase · 29/01/2022 07:45

Yes I do live in the UK, I know what my freedoms are, I just have none, it’s very restricted. I don’t even know if I can afford the accommodation but I’m going to have to get in touch with them for some more affordable rooms. And I know I’m not responsible for my partner’s mental health and only she is, but I can make the choice to see her if she’s not feeling well because i don’t even have to do anything mentally taxing really, just be there and spend time with her and it helps her just having me around. And that’s what my family don’t understand. I’ve had counselling and therapy but it seems like none of it’s helped, I can never forgive anything from the past because I don’t understand why it happened even tho endless possibilities have been explained to me, and maybe I never will understand. But all I know is therapy didn’t help me, it doesn’t stop the nightmares, it didn’t help with my startle reflex and all the permanent changes that I now have to live with. It’s never going to be the same again.

OP posts:
ExtremeCase · 29/01/2022 07:47

If women’s aid offer me a place to stay at a refuge, will i have to pay anything towards it or am I just responsible for my food costs? Would they get social services involved for my younger two sisters or only if they complained about the same thing?

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 29/01/2022 07:48

This sounds so difficult. At 20 you should be enjoying university life and free from the controlling family.
They seem to think they own you. You are your own person and a young adult who can make your own decisions now. Definitely go to student services and tell them what's going on. It's affecting your ability to learn.
I hope you can find some freedom.

Daylighthours · 29/01/2022 08:26

www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/
This is a link to the Asian Women's Centre. They help with domestic abuse and family abuse.

Inspectorslack · 29/01/2022 08:28

Contact student services at your university. They will help.

Daylighthours · 29/01/2022 08:31

Yes a Women's Aid refuge is free.

TheSandgroper · 29/01/2022 08:35

I’m not in the uk but this may help.

www.gov.uk/guidance/forced-marriage

There is also the spoon in your knickers campaign as a last resort if you end up at the airport.

RedFishYellowFish · 29/01/2022 08:44

I agree with PP's , speak to the student services at your Uni and tell them everything. They be able to help or pull on support from somewhere.

BSintolerant · 29/01/2022 09:16

You poor thing. Please try to keep yourself safe and contact the various helplines for advice as soon as you can.There’s an excellent charity called Savera which tackles honour-based abuse and harmful practises in the UK in that may be able to help you:

www.saverauk.co.uk/

Flowers
PerseverancePays · 29/01/2022 10:13

Sorry if I sounded flippant about your friend and getting counselling. Do follow up the advice you have been given, it will be hard for you and your sisters to break away, but your parents are totally in the wrong with what they are doing. Hope things get better for you.

ExtremeCase · 01/02/2022 17:57

Got accommodation sorted
Can collect keys whenever I wish to
However, my mum told me that my dad said I’m not allowed to move into an accommodation and that I should stay where I am because I can be independent here. I haven’t bothered replying to them but they’re starting to irritate me already with how they’re trying to assert control over me and tell me what i should do when it’s my own money, I reckon they’re scared of losing control and if they try and lock me in again, I’m done with them for good

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 01/02/2022 18:17

Sounds like you are right. Move into your accomodation and enjoy it, and your future, which is yours and yours alone.

ChristmasPlanning · 01/02/2022 18:52

Have you moved yet? The police could be present while you move your belongings so you are safe. Do not give them your address Thanks

Goldandguns · 01/02/2022 19:08

Please move out and block their numbers and other forms of contact for now. I'm from the same culture as you although a different country and my parents (mostly my dad) had the same control over me and restricted everything - I wasn't even allowed to study at a physical uni! I've since been 7 years no contact and they don't have a say in anything I do and I have no intention of them meeting my 2 DCs either. They are trying to bargain with you now saying you'll have independence but the minute you let them back in, it'll go back to how it was, and worse.
I hope things work out for you Flowers

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2022 19:44

Please move out and don’t go back. Get as much help as you can from all the agencies mentioned above. Never go to an airport with you4 parents. My friend went to Pakistan with her mum and realised she was about to be married. Luckily, when she phoned her dad, he sent the money for her to come back to the U.K.

Your parents have no rights over you, keep telling yourself this.

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