Kicked him out- AIBU

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LONG POST-
Today is my fiancé's birthday we have been together 11 years since we were teenagers engaged for 1 year, two kids DD 4y, DS 5m, yesterday night I packed him an over night bag and told him to give me space.

We have been in a pretty bad place for the past year, since I found out I was pregnant with DS last Feb we have done nothing but argue. My pregnancy was rough, my first child was very unwell and premature when she was born so my next pregnancy caused alot of strain and worry. I also suffered from gestational diabetes, my son was born 6 weeks early by emergency CS.

During this time and while my DS was in SCBU my partner argued with everyone constantly and pretty much spent the whole time saying how stressful this pregnancy/birth was for him. He also spent alot of money in that time without telling me and went out golfing and to the pub several times the first week DS was born due to 'stress'

We have been back and forth since then with vicious arguments and lots of bickering he works alot (im a SAHM) and does very little with the baby perhaps feeding him once a week at most, he has never done a night feed with either child. A couple of times I have threatened to leave unless he changed his attitude, helped me more with the kids and stops telling me everytime I am cross I am hormonal or overeacting. But I have no family here and no where to go .

The straw that broke me was I suffer from anxiety which i take medication for and am having a real struggle passing my driving test (driving makes me physically unwell and i have tried so hard to keep going with lessons). On Wednesday I was unable to complete my driving test as I had a panic attack. My fiance treated me very coldly after this when he collected me and asking me 'WTH happened' no comfort or care for how I was feeling and saying he don't want to continue paying for weekly 2 hour lessons as I don't need them. This kicked off a huge argument and I then told him to leave and I had had enough. AITA in this, he says I am over reacting and I have ruined his birthday but I don't think I am. I just feel that anyone whose partner suffered a panic attack like that and then treats them so coldly cannot love them properly if they cannot even hide their dissapointment for an afternoon and put on a face of support especially considering he took 3 tests and multpile theories before DD which i support him through.

It feels as though he took a terrible day for me made it 100 times worse and all about himself, I understand he was disappointed but I really had tried so hard to even get this far, it has been such a challenge for me especially with a 5 month old, and a 4 year old with special needs at home all day and keeping me up at night.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get my thoughts out and clear my head with it all, I feel so confused about it all.

EdIt- he cake back briefly this evening to pick up his golf clubs for the weekend while he stays at his friend 😔 when I said that I thought that it said alot he wanted to play golf right now, he replied with 'what else am I supposed to do, I'm not going to sit around and sulk, your the one who told me to leave and I have'

I think you probably know the relationship is over
Have you family who will support you?

Maybe his delivery wasn't the best but I'm inclined to think you should give the driving a y for a while. It's in no one's interest to have someone behind the wheel who would get panic attacks over driving.

I don't know... this is one case where I would like to hear his side too, I'm sorry.

*driving a rest for a while.

We moved away from our families when DD was 6 months old. My family is 200 odd miles away and I also have very few friends here. My support network is almost no existent here, just thinking about doing this on my own terrifies me, I also financially have very little as I only get annough money evey month to pay my bills.

He has never been very good at taking people's feelings into account. It's been hard for me as he is the one who has pushed me to take lessons. When I booked my test before Xmas I said I didn't feel ready but he had been pushing me to book a test in since November. He said he wouldn't pay for lessons anymore as I know how to drive and its a waste of his money and I should just book another test.

If your relationship isnt working then you either try counselling etc or split. You said he works long hours?
As devils advocate - from a cost perspective id be irritated that you didnt finish the test. Perhaps he is sick of being the only driver?

Tbh it doesn't sound as if you are going to last the distance. You're not on the same page and both sound like hard work.

You can't kick someone out and fry them for making plans. What exactly do you want?

It sounds like the relationship has run its course. He does not seem interested in fixing it.

I would think hard about what to do. First start claiming CMS and any other benefits you are entitled to . Then think about moving home. If he plays golf a lot and works full time I’m guessing that he spends very little time with the DC and would not want to change that?

Can you honestly say that you think he will still see them in a years time if you stay local and do everything you can to make them available for contact?? If not I would move so you have support.
Best wishes OP.

No matter what you decide seek support from gingerbread and homestart

Is he upset you've kicked him out, tried to fight to stay?

I feel like you're getting a rough ride here.

I would also like to see a bit of remorse or upset over the fact that he's just been dumped. I think that's normal.

Can you move back to your family, OP?

Sometimes it doesn't work out and yes that's painful but it's sadly a part of life. You need to be thinking about the next 6 months. Where will I live. How will I removed this negativity from my life. Your partner should being loving and supportive. Which he clearly isn't. So really you need to cut all ties and move on. He isn't helping you, he's making it worse.

Family, friends, find people who are supportive and positive

Forget the driving for now until everything more settled. but agree sounds like not working together and you both sound hard work. Can you move back to your family or close to them.

Whose idea was it to move so far away? Can you move back nearer family and support?

Do your mental health issues stem from the trauma around the birth of your first child? Have you had any counselling at all?

It’s hard to say based on what you’ve posted but I agree with previous posters that if you can’t communicate better with each other and are resorting to throwing him out, and he has then gone off to play golf rather than try to fix it, then things aren’t likely to work.

I can see from his point of view if he is working long hours to support you all financially then him wanting a bit of time to destress is not unreasonable. However he should also be helping out a bit at home so that you get a break too and he shouldn’t be spending loads of money on stuff for him if you’re not getting the same and there’s bills to pay etc.

I do think trying to take a driving test when your anxiety is this bad seems a bit insane and driving lessons are expensive but he could have been nicer about it. You might be better tackling the anxiety from a different angle e.g. hypnotherapy or something along the lines of a “fear of flying” course but for driving. It doesn’t sound as though just forcing yourself through it is going to work.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

If my husband threw me out the day before my birthday he best believe I am not spending my bday on the doorstep begging to come back. I'm going to play golf have a spa day.
If it gets to the point of being thrown out what's the use in fighting? Being thrown out is so extreme surely you've made your mind up ?!

Not sure if there's a back story but I can understand his frustration (and this is coming from someone who suffers anxiety too). I'm sorry you feel unsupported but if this happens regularly, he might be feeling frustrated with it.
Are you doing anything like counselling to help the anxiety?
His empty, cold reaction could be a cover but if you think he genuinely doesn't care, then you need to work out if there's anything left fighting for.

I'd really like to hear your partner's version of your events.

From what you have said he does sound unreasonable, however, your post screams.. me, me,me.

It really sounds like you have grown apart. You got together as teenagers and sometimes that works and you grow together but often people grow apart as they work out who they are.
Do you feel like you still love each other or are you just going through the motions because it's all you have really known? From what you have said it sounds like staying together would mean clinging onto something that isnt working anymore

If you suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks, no way should you have taken a driving test or got anywhere near a car. Ok, so it sounds like he pushed you into it but you could have said no. I've suffered both and there's no way anyone could have made me do anything at that time - straight out refusal to do anything I couldn't cope with. I simply couldn't function. Stop putting on a brave face and seek help. r
Also, start making your exit plan. This relationship has run it's course. There's loads of on-line resources and remember to clear your laptop/phone of any searches. Go through the motions if you need to and plan your/his exit.

Why did you expect sympathy and support when the relationship has been deteriorating for years?

You broke the news on his birthday, that you didn’t just fail your driving test but didn’t manage to complete it because of a panic attack? How did you think he’d react if he’s been paying for all your lessons? Presumably he paid for his own when he was learning and took several attempts. I’m not minimising the panic attack, but I think it’s foolish to book a driving test when you have uncontrolled anxiety and panic attacks over driving. It’s a waste of money continuing with lessons until you treat the anxiety issues (and I say that as someone who took 3 years stop start to learn due to anxiety. In the end it was therapy and medication that helped me pass, not splashing out on more lessons and different instructors).

Difficult pregnancies take their toll on both partners, so I think it’s unfair to expect unconditional love/support/understanding when he went through those stressful times with you. Did you offer him emotional support or just expect him to keep providing it? Both my pregnancies I’ve had HG and other complications, it’s hard on my DH too. Yes we have arguments but both make an effort to be upbeat and help each other through.

I think it’s a big mistake to have kids with someone before you’re married and become a SAHM, as you’re now in a very precarious position financially where he can control all the money and if you split you have no access to what effectively should be family money.

I think you need to decide if the relationship is fixable or not, and if it’s not then start rebuilding your life and looking into what financial support is available while you find your feet.

Reading your replies, I think you should move back with your family if that’s an option. You need a support network and your partner ain’t it. If you’re having panic attacks, something with your life isn’t right. Your kids need a happy mother and I know your ‘home’ is now far away, but they can still see dad if he will put the effort in. Please reach out for support to somewhere like Citizens Advice or Womens aid if you need help. Lots of solicitors offer a free hour if you want advice on child custody etc.