To think no man would want me?

[beesfeet]

3 dcs to 2 different dads. 1dc has special needs.
Married (about to start divorce) with dc3 father.
Ex husband and was emotionally abusive and controlling.
Had to call the police and looking at a non molestation order for him.
Have a good close relationship with my step daughter which will remain.
Boths dads to my children are crap. 1st moved miles away leaving me to do everything for eldest 2dcs. Which is absolutely fine but may not be for a new partner.
As already said, other father is abusive, controlling and won't be having ds3 on a regular basis if it all.

I know love exists, I know my mistakes. I know why I have chosen the men that I have (my childhood) and I'm having therapy and working on myself.

Also exH kindly passed on to me a sexually transmitted disease which is completely dormant but id obviously need to let any new partner know.

I just have so much baggage. I'm not ready to date yet but when I do....I just imagine I'll put them all off with my previous poor relationship choices. As it's only the decent men that I know are good enough for me and my dcs

Take your time. You may find in due course that you’re in a much better place mentally to date again. You may find you don’t want another man in your life. It’s not obligatory.

Think more in terms that you don’t want them!

Don’t sell yourself short @beesfeet. I have 4 2 to husband 2 to second partner and youngest has additional needs also.

I had a period of time after splitting from ex 2 where I just wanted to live life with the kids and learn to enjoy it and not need a man in my life, which I did. 3 years on met current boyfriend who is really lovely, loves my kids and is all round great guy. Am v lucky. Did kiss a few frogs before I met him but he’s def the one.
He’s an amazing addition to my life, we don’t share finances or a home and I see him when I don’t have the kids. They’ve met him (it’s been 3 years since we met) and they get on well but he’s got his house and I’ve got mine. He also has no kids of his own, 2 of mine are older and 2 under 12.

Enjoy getting out and meeting people, don’t put tonnes of pressure on yourself to meet someone either, I didn’t ‘chat’ to men for longer than a week without setting up a date (after a couple of bad experiences) I wanted men who actually wanted to meet me in person to date.
Good luck

Thank you both - I should of stated I am definitely not ready to meet anyone else yet. It would be the wrong thing to do as I'm at a stage in my life where everything is a bit of a mess and I have so much work to do on myself.

When the times comes...I don't know if I'll be too scared to even try

Why not just have a complete break from men. Your kids sound like they have been through a lot and having a settled period will be good for them. I’d leave it at least a couple of years and then revisit it when you are in a better place.

Why does it have to be about another man wanting you? I’ve been single for 5 years since breaking up with my ex and have no interest in dating, why do you have to rush to meet someone again? I have 4 kids and 1 with asd so I’ve been told no one will want me now and I’ve made peace with that as I’ve had enough of men anyway. Nothing wrong with being single.

@Topofthepop

Why not just have a complete break from men. Your kids sound like they have been through a lot and having a settled period will be good for them. I’d leave it at least a couple of years and then revisit it when you are in a better place.

That's my plan, I should of stated I don't mean now. I absolutely don't, the kids are my priority and I will absolutely not be bringing in anyone else into their lives for a long long time.

I suppose I'm just thinking...what's the point, who would want me anyway?

Doesn't help exH has his new gf and will be lovebombing her.

Just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight I suppose

As other posters have said:
Take your time.
Look after yourself and your kids first.
Have compassion and respect for yourself.
There will still be men out there when you are ready. Concentrate on building a stable family unit. Take care of yourself.

I totally get where you’re coming from.
I have two kids from two different marriages, am early 40s but think - who would take this on? Especially with my not great track record!
I’ve done OLD a few times - very hit & miss & the last couple of times have left me exasperated!!
I’ve given up on OLD for the time being but I look in the mirror & I’m early 40s, attractive, have a good job & my own home & I think - who wouldn’t want me?!
It’s all a matter of perspective & attitude, there’s someone out there for everyone.

Going on dates with people you barely know and getting together without knowing eachother for very long first very rarely works out long term and is a recipe for disaster, not to mention a bad example for kids (if you have them)

An unspoken rule is that people are friends first for a long time. If feelings develop, and words are said, they get into a relationship.

Yes you are now limited in the men who would select you because you have kids and that comes with responsibilities but that doesn't make it impossible

Have you got your own life and hobbies to meet friends through?

Op when I met my now dh he said he felt privileged he was welcomed into our lives. He never 'took on' my dc. Horrible phrase imo.
He is a fab step df.
A great dh.
And op.
Guess what?
I had 10 dc when we met.
I now have 11!
And a 4th dh!!
He knows my expectations are now very high!

Ahh I wish I would of put in the first place that I don't mean now. I have goals I have set myself for this year which I am determined to reach and none of those goals include a new relationship.

I'm just thinking long term...it's sad being alone even though I have to be alone (as in single)

It's been a rocky week - police called over exH, the start of divorce. I suppose it's just because this is real...it's really happening. Have blocked my exH and he is not allowed to speak to me or he will be arrested. I suppose I'm just feeling abit empty

Oh OP, I think it’s positive that you realise you need to work on yourself. I think that and providing a stable, loving environment for the DCs should be your top priority. As others have said, there is no rule that says you have to be part of a couple. Let me tell you my story though. My DM grew up thinking she was the unattractive one of the family (mainly because she was tall and wore glasses) and that she was a failure because she wasn’t married by the time she was 25. She married my father in her late twenties and had me and my DB. Things didn’t work out - I think basically communication issues - and they divorced when I was small. Then she married a compulsive gambler which didn’t last long at all. My second stepfather was a total nightmare in all sorts of ways and they were together for 13 years. Please don’t think I am holding this against my DM - she did what she thought was right at the time and, very sweetly, she desperately wanted to help other people including the men she married (however misguided she may have been) but my goodness things would have been miles better if she hadn’t married them and it had been just the three of us. I mean we were settling down into a happy existence in many ways which was then disrupted. I don’t mean that in a selfish way “He took our Mum away” but genuinely in the sense that our development would have been far smoother and we would have grown up vastly more secure and confident.

@beesfeet

Sending a hug ‘cos you deserve one. I hope you have support IRL as you’ve had a really tough time. Also here are some as you are getting counselling and thinking ahead to the life you want to make.

As far as men are concerned, just take your time, plenty of time.

OP your poor relationship choices are your past. That won't put anyone off.
The STD maybe but there are also asexual people etc.

Honestly?
Finding a partner is a game of chance. So many women in your position, or women who have never had more than a short term relationship. Nothing 'wrong' with them either. Just never met a decent man.

It sucks to feel lonely, and to see eveyrone else coupled up. But the world is a lot better for single parents these days, I'm in a Meetup group and so many single people 30's, 40',.

One day your kids will grow up and thank you.

You're a courageous woman

Thank you all - I think it's just I'd like to cling on to the hope of one day it might happen.

But the thought of getting hurt or doing it wrong (I'm working on my boundaries and my red flag radar would most definitely be on) scares the life out of me.

My priorities are absolutely my dcs - they were the main reason I left my marriage. I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be to them. I thought about the future, them needing financial help, possibly getting married....maybe grandchildren of my own - I want to be there for them through it all and my marriage would of stopped that.

I know 100% I would never let any man come between me and my dcs as they are my absolute world. They make me so happy.

I may not end up meeting anyone and that's absolutely fine.

I'm just having a wobble - I'll be fine after a good nights sleep x

OP, flip this one on its head, cos you're bloody awesome.
Not what man would want you, but what kind of man would deserve a woman like you?

Because he'd have to be be pretty bloody special to be worth your attention, now, after all you've experienced. You are pretty bloody special, right now, and any man who's going to be worth you had better put the hours in to be up to snuff.

Focus on your dc forget about men for a time. You might find in time someone comes into your life your not expecting but for now focus on your 3 dc.

@Bananarama21

Focus on your dc forget about men for a time. You might find in time someone comes into your life your not expecting but for now focus on your 3 dc.

That's what I really hope. I need to get the dcs through new stages in their lives - new schools, our new life as a family of 4 (5 if you include my step daughter) which are going to have my focus. There's a part of my career I'm focusing on. I'm not going to let a man interrupt that.

Just one day he might show up when the time is right

Lots of single women still get their "happy ever after" without man in their lives. Once you get comfortable with your drama free singleness its hard to go back.

Op you're more worried about the next man, before even trying to figure out why you chose these men. I'm not saying their abusive ways were your fault, but you need to stop and pause to think about the choices your are making. Why is it such a concern about finding another man? Focus on yourself and your kids who have been through 2 awful situations. Take a long time to find out about yourself too. There's also nothing wrong with being single.

@Anna10309

Op you're more worried about the next man, before even trying to figure out why you chose these men. I'm not saying their abusive ways were your fault, but you need to stop and pause to think about the choices your are making. Why is it such a concern about finding another man? Focus on yourself and your kids who have been through 2 awful situations. Take a long time to find out about yourself too. There's also nothing wrong with being single.

Please read my thread. I'm in therapy - I'm having therapy with womens aid and private therapy. I have stated why I have chosen these men which goes back to my childhood.

My children are 100% my priority which is why I left my marriage. They are everything to me however it doesn't mean I have to be alone forever. I have many goals in my life and none of those include a new relationship.
I don't plan on meeting anyone now - even if they magically appeared, I would reject it as I am not in the right place to start a new relationship and neither are my children.

It's very hard to leave a marriage. I have severe trauma bond with my husband. This week I have had to call the police due to harassment. Now he is gone and it's very surreal. I am allowed to wobble and think about my future now matter how far away it is

If you are in therapy , then you are taking the right steps forward. Take the time for yourself and your DC right now. Don't write yourself off to other relationships right now, there's alot to work on before you get there. Just focus on your healing.

@Santahasjoinedww

Op when I met my now dh he said he felt privileged he was welcomed into our lives. He never 'took on' my dc. Horrible phrase imo. He is a fab step df. A great dh. And op. Guess what? I had 10 dc when we met. I now have 11! And a 4th dh!! He knows my expectations are now very high!

Wow that's an amazing story! So very pleased for you and your family x