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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my friends to turn up on time and leave at a reasonable hour?

20 replies

mummyruby · 28/01/2022 18:27

Hi all,

So, I'm a single mum of 2, one of my kids is a toddler. I have a lovely group of friends but some of them either have no kids or their kids are much older. I work full time, like to keep on top of the cleaning and barely have time to chill out.
I never feel I have as much time to catch up as I'd like but find that instead of saying no (I don't want to lose my friends) when they invite themselves over, I agree a time for them to come that works around the kids. But they either turn up really late - as in 2 hours late or they come and don't leave until really late. They can have a lie in the next day but I can't!
On the one hand, I love them so much and they are amazing people but at the moment, my toddler is a lot of work I'm just not up for the socialising. Do I just suck it up or be more assertive?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2022 18:30

You have to be much firmer with them “time to go now, or I’ll regret it in the morning, ha ha” whilst getting up and getting their coats

And make the initial invitation eg “from 8 til 11” not “from 8pm”. “I turn into a pumpkin at 11, ha ha”

FreedomFaith · 28/01/2022 18:31

Be more assertive and tell them you are knackered.

Kite22 · 28/01/2022 18:34

More assertive.
I wouldn't have put up with that when I was young free and single.
If I arrange to meet someone at a time, then, unavoidable emergencies aside, that is the time I would be there.

gorseinon28 · 28/01/2022 18:36

Be more assertive. Or end the friendship. Even worse if they have not made contact to say they will be late.

Fleur405 · 28/01/2022 18:41

Just say “can you come over by x because I’ll need to call it a night around y”

I’m sure they don’t realise!

steppemum · 28/01/2022 18:41

2 hours late is just rude.

be clear about the time, make sure you say - come round at 8. Not I'm home from 8.

The going home one is harder. be upfront, tell them you will kick them out at 11, but then you'll need to follow through.

They probably won't stay as long if they arrive on time though

WildPoinsettia · 28/01/2022 18:44

A bit of both. TBH you're going to lose the friendship where they haven't got DC or got older ones if you won't do any evening meetups. People who aren't shackles to small DC want to chill when the get in from work then go out a little later and go home maybe 11 or midnight (maybe earlier especially for avouse visit). If all you can offer is to meet at eg 6-8pm they're going to stop meeting up with you, sorry. It's because most friendship is based on convenience and compatible life stages IME.

But you needn't do this all the time. And they should respect you if you say arrive at 6pm and not turn up at 8pm

Have an end time in mind, tell them in advance what it is. If they turn up 20min before the end time tell them they can't stop long and kick them out when the time comes. If they turn up massively late either don't answer the door or tell them they can't come in because they was supposed to be there earlier.

melj1213 · 28/01/2022 18:52

When DD was little and I invited people over j always just used to start by setting rhe end time and work forward, so "I have to be up at 6am with DD so why don't we say come round for 8pm so we have a good couple of hours to catch up because I can't stay awake much past about 11pm now!"

Then, regardless of when they arrived - whether it was at 8pm or 10.30pm - when 11pm rolled around if nobody had already started making signs of getting ready to leave I'd just tell people "Well it's almost 11 which is my bedtime, I'd love to keep chatting but I'm exhausted and I have to be up early with DD so I'm going to have to kick you out now before it gets too late" As they were all friends they didn't take offence (if any had then they wouldn't have got a second invite) to the direct nature of me wrapping up the night.

Original poster
mummyruby · 28/01/2022 20:17

Just to confirm, the time they leave is wee hours in the morning as in 1am, 2am, 3am Grin definitely don't expect them to leave at 8pm, even I'm not that unsociable 😂 . These are really old friends - I was the single party girl when they were mums to little ones it just feels like since separating from my ex, they are always inviting themselves over.

OP posts:
WildPoinsettia · 29/01/2022 00:46

Crack down on them inviting themselves, although I guess it's nice they want to spend time with you. Definitely have no worries about kicking them out if they've invited themselves! I'm same as previous poster I say right I'm tired now off you go Grin

Flynnqwer · 29/01/2022 01:45

How are they inviting themselves over?

MindyStClaire · 29/01/2022 02:44

They probably think the company is doing you good, and that the downtime is worth it for you. They actually sound like they're being good friends, coming round more often since your partner left and understanding you can't go out so they come to you. Just tell them you need to go to sleep.

alexdgr8 · 29/01/2022 02:52

they are making a convenience out of you, using your place as a comfy meeting-place.
just say no.

melj1213 · 29/01/2022 10:10

@alexdgr8

they are making a convenience out of you, using your place as a comfy meeting-place. just say no.
Or they're trying to keep OP in their group and include her in meetups rather than just leaving her out because she has a child.

One of my friends had a baby much earlier than the rest of us so whenever we invited her out for dinner/drinks etc she couldn't come as she didn't have babysitters etc but we didn't want to exclude her either.

So instead of dinner at a restaurant we started suggesting that we come over with a takeaway once the baby was in bed, or if we were going to have a catch up the default started to become that it would be at her place after the baby was in bed. That way we could still have a chat and a gossip without leaving her out but she didn't have to worry about a babysitter.

The difference is that my friend was more than happy with the arrangement (especially as a lot of other friends had dropped her/stopped inviting her since she could rarely go out) but that's because we would never take the piss and stay until the early hours as we all knew she would be up early with the baby, and if she did want us to leave early then she would just tell us and we'd wrap the evening up early.

123walrus · 29/01/2022 10:14

I’m finding the same thing. I love having friends over and it makes it easier not worrying about taxis or babysitters but I do find myself getting pissed off when people don’t leave.

My plan going forward is going to be to say something like ‘I’ll have dinner/drinks/snacks/takeaway/whatever ready for 8. DC has been sleeping badly lately so it’ll need to be carriages at 11pm. Looking forward to seeing you’

Fairylightsongs · 29/01/2022 10:16

I’m guessing they invite themselves over because you can’t get a baby sitter so they do it to make it easier for you?

You need to tell them you don’t want that any more or tell them what’s suitable for you.

Original poster
mummyruby · 29/01/2022 13:57

Definitely think it's from a good place and they are just trying to look after me after my break up which is sweet and im grateful. I think I just need to let them know what my bed time needs to be a bit more Grin

OP posts:
ChaosMoon · 30/01/2022 10:55

Have you talked to them about this?

Trisolaris · 30/01/2022 10:59

We were at my friends with young kids last night and about 11pm she just said ‘right I need to go to bed now so I can parent tomorrow.’ Simple but effective, so we said goodnight and went home. It’s much easier to maintain friendships if you can just tell people what you need.

tkwal · 30/01/2022 11:17

I think you're lucky to have such good friends.when some of my friends split from their partners they found themselves excluded from a friendship group because some of the others saw them as a threat. I agree about being clearer about arrival times, maybe flexible about leaving because who wants to break up a good night when the clock hits a certain time ?. Yes housework is important and sets a good example to children but will the world end if you don't get your vacuuming or dusting done on a set day or time ?. Go a bit easier on yourself and good for you for managing so wellx

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