I don't think IABU but is this normal?

[Mogul]

Since he started working from home OH has his desk set up in the spare room. I appreciate many OHs are working from their lounges and generally in the way and that I am lucky. My issue is that he finishes work and stays at his desk chatting to friends online and playing computer games. He comes down for tea then back to it until I go to bed.

It feels like living with a teenage boy but OH is 40. Is this common behaviour for men or does he need to grow up a bit?

YABU be glad he and his work are out of the way

YANBU OH needs to spend time with you

You got kids?

It’s no way to live either way, but 1000% more unreasonable if you have kids that you are being left to do all the care for.

Even if not, why would you want to live with someone you never see?

No, no kids together. He has 2 that are here at weekends

So basically you are there as the nanny to look after the kids at the weekend?

What are you getting from the relationship?
YANBU.

Not reasonable if it’s every night. Did he do this before he worked from home?

My DH is the same.

Yanbu, he should also spend time with you, have you told him how you feel? I do sympathise DH also has an all consuming hobby that takes up a load of his time.

Before he worked from home, what did he do with his evenings? Did he play computer games etc then too, but just downstairs while you were doing other stuff, rather than upstairs on his own? Just wondering if it's purely just because his stuff is all upstairs so he's just kind of got into the habit of staying there, or whether the gaming itself is a new thing entirely.

I'm also wondering if he's talking to his friends online in the evenings because he's someone that needs to chat to people and he's not getting that during the day any more now he's not working in an office alongside others.

Whatever the reason, though, it doesn't feel right that he does it every single night. Everyone needs their time to themselves and a chance to chat to people who aren't their partner, but all night every night seems excessive.

Apart from having someone to share the bills, what is the benefit to you of living with someone like this?

He might as well be a random lodger.

DP started doing this: he’s a natural introvert and his hobbies are all online – gaming, watching films, some kind of music app on his laptop. He never did it when commuting as he had that train time to get “staring at a screen” out of his system, plus the commute and walk from the station was a natural demarcation between work/home.

It’s just bad habits/ a rut. I read DP the riot act about our relationship/lives and he’s much better now. The more he was staring at a screen and living in his little cave the more he wanted to; a bit like lying on the sofa day after day – it’s hard to get up and go for a run.

No he does everything for the kids.

This only started when he started WFH I was just really wondering if it's a normal thing now.

What did you do before?

Have you tried suggesting you do something together one evening a week? Possibly even a trip to the pub after tea (depending on how things are round your way).

H and I tend to spend our evenings in different (though adjoining) rooms but we make a point of once or twice a week sitting together. Either something we both want to watch or an actual Sit And Talk time (though we find that easier if we go out ).

@stuntbubbles yes I think that's it exactly. There are usually 3-4 days a week when he doesn't leave the house

With lockdowns etc, more people took to virtually socialising with friends. So gaming became quite popular.

If it's every night I'd be annoyed. But if it's not, then I wouldn't mind. It's just a different way of socialising/hobby.

Before he worked from home, what did you do together in the evenings?

When you ask him to spend time with you, what does he say?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to spend time with your OH. I do think that many couples fall into a bit of a rut, sometimes one or both partners can be reluctant to change and it’s easy (and not wrong) for something else to be more appealing in those situations.

That's not ok at all. I would be miserable sitting on my own every night. My husband likes games too but he gives himself about 1.5 hrs and then we sit down and do something together. Also he plays in the same room as me so we can still talk etc.

He really needs to spend time with you.

What's the point of being in a relationship if you never spend any time together? It sounds like he's taking you for granted.

Tell him that you want to spend more time together then! It’s replaced after work drinks etc I guess. He isn’t being unreasonable to want to socialise but if you’re not happy that it’s taking up couple time then you need to let him know.