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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this wasn't an invitation to move in?

53 replies

ILikeToSleepALot · 27/01/2022 20:09

I usually live in city A, where I have a flat and a job, atm mostly WFH, but I do go in every once in a while & soon more often. I’ve been staying with my mother in city B lately to help while she’s recovering from an accident, and commuting between cities- a temporary situation.

A friend in city A who gave up being in a lucrative industry because she wanted to follow her dreams is now working a minimum wage job and can only afford to be a lodger. The house she lives in is very noisy bc of other lodgers, she’s having trouble sleeping. She’s been complaining and I ended up saying she could crash at my flat sometime for a quiet night when I’m in city B with my mum.

To my surprise, a few days later she announced she had given notice to her landlady and she was expecting to move in to my flat. She said she would try to couchsurf elsewhere when I’m coming to the city for work. She said it would be for a few weeks while she looks for a better lodging situation. I said this was not what I offered, I can’t agree to her living at mine as her main place and without a definite move out date, so I won’t be letting her crash there after all, and she shouldn't have given notice.

She is now saying I’m abandoning her and judging her life choices. AIBU? NC for this btw because she knows my usual nickname!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 27/01/2022 20:40

She sounds like a nightmare! Dodged a bullet there-you’d probably never get rid of her if she moved in!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 20:42

Cheeky cow.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2022 20:44

I don't think you're wrong but I'm not sure I could stand by and see my friend on the streets

Wreath21 · 27/01/2022 20:46

Well you clearly are 'judging her life choices' going by your OP - but that doesn't mean you owe her a place to live. So YANBU to take back your offer of crash space now she has decided it was an offer to move in. YAmaybeBU to condemn her for leaving a 'lucrative' job that she hated: some jobs are awful even if well-paid, and working a MW job to support yourself is fair enough. It's not your friend's fault that the minimum wage makes it almost impossible to find a decent home - but nor is it your responsibility to give her somewhere to live.

cstaff · 27/01/2022 20:47

Bloody hell op. That was a bit presumptuous of her. Glad you found out now rather than after she had stayed over for a few nights. There would be no getting rid of her and plenty of guilt tripping.

MoltenLasagne · 27/01/2022 20:51

Daft woman, she could have had an occasional refuge and a good friend, but instead she's lost both.

billy1966 · 27/01/2022 21:00

Well done OP for nipping this in the bud.

What a chancer.

I would get the Ick, she is NOT a friend.
She was definitely out to take advantage.

She clearly misjudged you!

👏

grapewine · 27/01/2022 21:15

@MoltenLasagne

Daft woman, she could have had an occasional refuge and a good friend, but instead she's lost both.
This. Stupid thing to do.
LaughingCat · 27/01/2022 21:27

Rarely do I see MN unite so very squarely behind someone but this story was so very ridiculous, it actually made me laugh. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. As others have said: you’re not abandoning her, you’re not responsible for her and she had better find another HIMO asap, if that’s all she can afford. She was definitely taking the mick…I can’t believe how presumptuous she’s been!

Fatherliamdeliverance · 27/01/2022 21:52

Blimey, well done for sticking up for yourself there! How do people get so entitled?!! Madame will just have to revoke or extend her notice, or find somewhere else to stay temporarily. You would never have seen the back.of her.

GettingItOutThere · 27/01/2022 21:53

wow shes a cheeky mare!!!

good for you for standing upto her and saying no straight off! i would not let her stay even one night, you would never be rid of her

GetOffTheTableMabel · 27/01/2022 21:55

And, tbh, a person who is so rude and feels so entitled to help themselves to your life probably can’t be trusted to just stay for a week or two. She’d still be there next year!

2bazookas · 27/01/2022 22:32

well done for not letting her get away with it. You dodged a bullet there; imagine what rude liberties she'd take if she was alone in your house.

Longdistance · 27/01/2022 22:39

I’d like to follow my dreams and never work again. Alas, I have to wake up every morning and join the real world.
Your f is a cf!

EggbertHeartsTina · 27/01/2022 23:22

@PrincessNikla “I wouldnt have bothered NC she should know its her that you are talking about??”

Isn’t that the point of name changing? OP knows it’s identifiable and doesn’t want CF “friend” to search all her other threads

burnthur5t · 27/01/2022 23:39

If she did move in short term it would become permanent and then it would be hard to get rid of her

Definitely best to put a stop to it before it starts

Viviennemary · 27/01/2022 23:42

She is a cf of the highest order. You would never have got rid of her.

LightDrizzle · 27/01/2022 23:47

Wow! You did really well there!
So many would reluctantly “compromise” on her staying a couple of weeks until she got something else sorted and then she’d be clinging on like a limpet.

JugglingJanuary · 27/01/2022 23:53

@PrincessNikla

I wouldnt have bothered NC she should know its her that you are talking about??
I'm sure she will, but that's not the only point in name changing. The point is that her (now ex) friend won't be able to read her past postings.
PrincessNikla · 28/01/2022 08:45

[quote EggbertHeartsTina]**@PrincessNikla* “I wouldnt have bothered NC she should know its her that you are talking about??”*

Isn’t that the point of name changing? OP knows it’s identifiable and doesn’t want CF “friend” to search all her other threads[/quote]
NC for this btw because she knows my usual nickname!

ahcmonnow · 28/01/2022 09:11

God NO!! The absolute neck of her! Fair play to you for standing your ground!

melj1213 · 28/01/2022 10:06

Yanbu - you offered a crash pad for a few nights not an indefinite AirBnB. It would be one thing if she had said her lodging situation was untenable and was desperate to find somewhere else and asked you if there was any chance she could stay at your empty flat while she tried to find a new place, but it would be for a maximum of X time and she would happily contribute to bills while she stayed .. it would still be a CF request but at least she would have been upfront about it and you could have said upfront "Sorry I don't want you moving in, my offer was for you to crash there for the odd night or two"

I live in my town centre, about 5 minutes from where most of the pubs and clubs are ... if I am ever out of town I am more than happy for my cousins/siblings to use my place as somewhere to crash in an emergency if they can't get home at the end of the night (I have a keysafe with a spare key and I trust my family 100%) or if someone needed a quiet place to study/work - when everyone was WFH during lockdowns one of my 20yo cousins came over a couple of times a week when she had important meetings/calls because she still lived at home with her parents and younger siblings and she couldn't concentrate with 6 other people also in the house WFH/homeschooling - but if one of them wanted to effectively move in while I was out of town I would be putting my foot down and saying no.

HairyScaryMonster · 28/01/2022 11:50

So she's given notice, she can spend that time looking before she has to move out. You've not even left her homeless!

Isittimeformynapyet · 28/01/2022 12:16

@grapewine

Rude and cheeky. Good on you for putting her right. Abandoned her? Please. Not enough eyerolls for that one.
Not enough eyerolls!

Love that 😂

Ipadflowers · 28/01/2022 12:19

That’s not ok. She should have asked. What she’s done is rude and unacceptable, and then to attack you for it, is so far beyond the acceptable

She’s made her life choices, she needs to live with them, not take from others without asking because she doesn’t like the consequences of her decisions.

If she moved in, she’d never leave.