... to wonder about advice to give to DD at Uni away from home

[MandoMando]

Our DD is 1st year Uni. For first few months she commuted with me, but I'm having to change job, and its not really viable with public transport. We're looking to find something now at short notice, hope to be sorted in the next 2 weeks. She has never lived away from home. None of her friendship group are at Uni, commuting and on-line meant she has no close contacts there yet.

I had some bad experiences in college, and I don't want her to make the same mistakes. I never got advice and but I'm not sure how much a 19 year will listen to her mum.

Do you give advice to kids moving away to Uni? Or just let them off and figure it out themselves? If you do they listen?

Re-reading my post it seems a bit silly, I'm just nervous about her moving away I guess :(

Dd1 is on her second attempt at university, and yes I gave her advice.

I would try university owned halls as they get spaces (drop outs) and if not private halls like unite students, and remember it's easier for her to make friends in a shared flat however daunting.

I packed dd up with everything she needed and we made a meal plan (I sent the long life goods for the term) because she had eating issues. I talk to her most days, they sometimes need more help but I let her call me

Drink spiking is definitely something to discuss

I'd definitely start by asking the university if they've got spaces in halls. You can't go too far wrong in halls.

How to live on a tight budget - bargain shops, a go-to cheap shopping list that matches a meal plan, reduced stuff late in the evening etc, and energy saving knowledge (don't boil a full kettle for a cup of tea).

Would she browse through societies websites with you to see if anything seems interesting? That can be a good way to get to know people.

List of contacts for emergencies - all kinds of emergencies - if a flatmate overdoses, if they can smell gas, if someone is mugged etc.

Self-care ideas - on a print out, or lots of different ones in a jar for inspiration.

There are different categories of advice, and all the above makes sense. It is hard to know if your DD will take any of it onboard. Some things you have to learn and experience.

In addition to the above advice, I'd recommend stating the obvious. Turn up for classes, attend tutorials, hand in assignments on time, have a study plan, etc. Based on my experience, moving away from home things can become a lot less structured.

Consent and safety are big topics too. These were things actually on my radar, since my older sister had been raped at Uni.

I have two in uni now, and there is some good advice here, particularly living in university owned halls and being on a good meal plan if there is central dining.

We do a weekly Zoom call with our two and text frequently, so there is an opportunity to chat and ask for advice.

The reality is that most people going away to uni haven't lived away from home before. It is shame that your bad experiences have clouded your view as to how she should attend uni. It would have been easier if she had gone at the start of the year and been amongst many many others in the same situation. However that can't be changed. Please don't let your bad experiences cloud how she now goes forward. Definitely she should see whether there are spaces available in halls and if not at uni halls try private ones. Also she should contact student finance to change to living away from home maintenance rather than from home or to apply of she hasn't and needs to.

She could perhaps ask her coursemates whether they know of any spaces in halls flats as that would be a good way of connecting with them too.

Campus accommodation if possible simplifies things a huge amount for 1st and 2nd years. But it is not always available where we live.

I've also had bad experiences in college, and it seems as bad now as it was in my day. Makes me angry to think when DS went to college I never felt the need to talk about safety, sexual assault, and so on.

FWIW I'm sure my DS totally ignored everything I said!

All the above makes sense for me, so thank you.

On a wait list for halls, and one possible house share. It's two weeks before I move, and it's not a problem to stay in local B&B for a while until something suitable comes up. Fingers crossed!

I would want to know can she cook basic stuff? Would she know how to use a launderette washing machine? Manage her own money? Budget? Supermarket shopping? Cleaning from washing up safely (raw meat/chicken) to a bathroom if she ends up in a house share or halls with an en-suite? Navigate her way from halls to classes, would she ask for help if she needed it?

I think this applies to both male and females but safety in numbers, be aware of your surroundings even in day time, collect your own drink from a bar especially if it is bought for you. Ds likes Spoons as you can order it to your table.

Ds messages us pretty much daily or we him to keep him involved in stuff going on at home. We have a group family discord chat. We also have a weekly facetime call with us all on it.

I can totally understand why this has blindsided you as if she was going away to uni you would have both been prepared. Definitely try for private halls like Unite Students etc as there is someone on reception (there is in Ds's 2nd year halls) and all bills are included with energy prices are going through the roof it means she knows exactly how much she is paying out.

I took DD for a trip round the local supermarket for a beginner's guide to how to buy cheap food/toiletries for a full week's shop - we mostly get ours delivered so it's not a skill she'd learned naturally.

Why can't she commute on her own?
If she prefers
Unless accommodation comes up for next terms

I assume that the OP is driving her - and there are a lot of places where a half hour drive would take a couple of hours each way by public transport.

Sometimes anecdotes work better than capital A “advice”. Not the Facebook scare story kind. The “someone I knew once…” kind and the general life lesson kind. I’m sure you’ve already done plenty of that over the years one way or the other. So don’t panic.

Do buy her a door wedge, though, and fill a first aid/medicine bag for her with flu remedies and painkillers plus the usual plasters and bandages. Maybe a morning after pill.

I've got a boy not a girl, so slightly different advice but mine was three key rules:

Consent was the big one
Look after your body (so careful with drugs/drink, and get exercise and eat some fruit)
Do your admin!

His house came up with another one (most of them have signed for a house together for next year already) - don't sleep with house/flatmates as it's too complicated.