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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset with bf for uninviting me to party

49 replies

NewUser11 · 27/01/2022 12:15

Me and my partner haven't been together that long, but we have met each-others family and said I love you's for reference. Last week he mentioned his friend was having a party and asked me to come, I asked if he was sure as he hasn't been out with his friends in a while and it would be my first time meeting them, and I didn't want to get in his way of having a good night. He said of course he is sure and definitely wants me there, which felt really nice!

Last night while we was talking, he said actually he wants to go alone as he hasn't seen them in a while and doesn't want to have to feel like he's 'looking after me' the whole night as I don't know anyone there. I said that's fine but actually upon thinking about it more, I'm a little upset. I'd rather him have just not invited me in the first place because then I wouldn't feel like this.. It makes me feel less than and really unimportant. AIBU?

OP posts:

DarkCorner · 27/01/2022 13:06

Hmmm... I think I'd let this one go but YANBU to feel a little upset about it. It's a little thoughtless of him to invite then uninvite so it's something I'd be keeping an eye on.

I found in the earlyish stages of dating it was all about the pattern; a one off small thing is OK but if it becomes clear there's a pattern to their behaviour (thoughtlessness, selfishness, meanness, ungrateful etc), I wouldn't be trying to correct/explain/reason my POV, I'd just say we weren't compatible and finish it. People will show you who they are and it's not your job to fix them - you don't want a doer upper!

Maybe arrange to do something fun with friends that night if poss to take your mind off it?

Spandang · 27/01/2022 13:09

I suspect he’s gone to his mate ‘oh I’ve invited @jodieeee I hope that’s alright’ and they’ve said ‘but we’ve not seen you for ages’. You gave him the out already to do that

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 13:14

I don’t know why you proposed not to go on a first place - usually when you start seeing somebody it’s only natural to be introduced to his friends ….

Don’t undersell yourself @jodieeee

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 13:16

As you mentioned it’s not a typical boys night, it’s a party. In my book you attend parties as a couple, unless the other person can’t go.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 13:17

Sorry, I keep hitting “post” before I’m finished!

I’d speak to him and be honest that you feel a bit left out and would like to go.

Beefcurtains79 · 27/01/2022 13:21

You’ve both said ‘ I love you’ but you haven’t even met each other’s friends? How long have you been together?

saraclara · 27/01/2022 13:21

You can't be upset with him for agreeing with your own suggestion. And your suggestion was really sensible, kind and imo totally correct.

Yep. Initially he thought it was fine to take you. He's either realised that actually it's not the ideal environment in which to introduce you, or has had some mild pushback from his mates. Hopefully it's the first, but either way, it wouldn't have occurred to him that you'd mind, because you were the one who suggested that in the first place!

Derbee · 27/01/2022 13:24

To be fair, YOU suggested that he’d have a nicer time without you. He might be assuming you don’t want to go, based on what you said etc. Next time, accept the invite and go and socialise without feeling like you’ll be a burden.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 27/01/2022 13:26

Rightly or wrongly, I would be upset if this happened to me. A partner says he loves me, but then uninvites me to a party which would have been a great way to introduce me to a bunch of his friend at once? Nope. My prediction is that this is the beginning of a pattern. You can let this go OP, but as PP have said, watch out for a pattern.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 13:27

Also, I don’t know how old/experienced are you with men, but take my advise and if you mean ‘yes’ say ‘yes’ to things - don’t say ‘no’ hoping he’ll figure out you really want to do something. The more straightforward you are the better

Original poster

NewUser11 · 27/01/2022 13:35

We have been together just under 6 months. I have met his 3 'best' friends and we all got along really well, but he has a big group of friends who I haven't yet met who he doesn't get to see very often due to them living far away, etc.

I'm unsure whether to bring it up because I genuinely wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't been invited in the first place, it's more that he asked me to come because he 'really wanted me there' and then has changed his mind that's hurt my feelings more.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 27/01/2022 13:50

But you raised the option of you not going? He’s obviously thought about it since.

I understand why you’re put out but to get the hump over it after being the one to suggest it indicates that you’ve turned it into a ‘test’ and is not reasonable to expect him to pick up on that.

It is reasonable to be honest with him and tell him you’re hurt that the offer was withdrawn and wonder why but if he’d still prefer to go alone then I think you have to accept that and any reasoning.

Sally872 · 27/01/2022 13:52

I expect he thought he should and wanted to invite you so he did. Then you offered not to come as he hasn't seen friends for a while.

His polite reaction was of course you should come but on reflection he thinks you have a good point he hasn't seen friends for a while and would he good to catch up properly with them rather than couple night.

On this one instance I would give benefit of doubt. If he regularly let's you down it's a sign of a bigger issue.

SummerWhisper · 27/01/2022 13:58

I disagree with posters saying that you gave him this option and now he's taken it. That is not the point. He insisted that he wanted you there. He has withdrawn his intention to attend as a couple.

You might suggest you go for the first hour or so to meet everybody...but I suspect he doesn't want you there. Have you seen him drunk? Is he likely to fancy a line or two of coke? Otherwise, is he likely to want a night out as a single bloke with any of the single females??

girlmom21 · 27/01/2022 14:46

If they live far away is he planning to stay over and do something with them the next day maybe?

Sciurus83 · 27/01/2022 14:53

Why did you question the invite when you actually wanted to go? He probably thought you weren't that bothered.

Delatron · 27/01/2022 14:58

I’d let it go this time but I wouldn’t forget it. So if it keeps happening then you have a pattern of behaviour (him not wanting you to meet his friends).

He probably just wants to have a sociable night with his single friends but longer term you should expect to be invited to these things. Then you get to know mates and girlfriends and he doesn’t have to ‘look after you’. You’ll be off chatting with them!

Lucia23 · 27/01/2022 15:14

Eh, I disagree with most PPs. I think it is weird that he uninvited you.

PPs saying it was your idea, but no offence OP it wasnt great not to jump at the chance of meeting his friends. So his idea for you to meet them was a good one, and it seemed like you had talked it out and decided to go together. Him going back on this would be a small red flag for me personally.

BaconMassive · 27/01/2022 15:16

Gatecrash?

kayd90 · 27/01/2022 15:18

It was your suggestion that you not go. So seems a bit off to have an issue about it.

BoredZelda · 27/01/2022 15:33

It makes me feel less than and really unimportant.

You offered. Are you saying if he had taken you up un it the first time you would have been offended? Because that's just fucked up.

You made a suggestion, he initially said no but obviously thought about it and decided later he'd rather go alone. Can't see what the problem is.

TheyTookTheCrownButItsAllRight · 27/01/2022 15:33

Sometimes I am so confused by replies on here.

I totally understand why you are upset, OP. He invited you, you asked if he was sure, he reassured you he wanted you there, so you accepted. Now he has changed his mind? I think that is a bit unkind. It doesn't matter that you originally said you'd understand if he wanted to just see his mates, because you'd both agreed you would go.

It may well be worth letting it go this time, but for me, I'd probably have to say something. Not to make a big deal or whatever, but sometimes you have to spell out your boundaries/expectations.

BobbieT1999 · 27/01/2022 15:37

@jodieeee

Also it's not a 'boys' night, it's a big party and other girlfriends are going.

Ynbu

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 15:39

Wow, 6 months that’s still very early on, me & DH were inseparable at this stage!

I understand you feel like this cause I would too - but I’d never even give him the option of not taking me!

Are you finding it difficult to mingle with people you don’t know @jodieeee ? I just don’t see why he thinks he will have to ‘babysit’ you all evening. You’re grown ass woman and I’m sure you wouldn’t be glued to him all night if there were other girlfriends to talk to… May I ask how old is your boyfriend?

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