To stop my son seeing his dad../

[beesfeet]

Bare with...it's been quite a day.

ExH is abusive. I left a few months back. ExH has had DS for a maximum of 4 hours every week/sometimes every other weekend. No over night stays - exH does not want him over night and neither do I. DS is a toddler.

This morning a visited my step daughters mother (exH daughters mum). She has been there for me though the break up and has always said she was there for me. I had some questions I wanted clearing up. Basically that he was physically abusive to her. (He never was to me, I have luckily escaped that) and she confirmed that he was, in quite horrific detail. She also confirmed he was physically abusive with other women.

Also she confirmed some of the absolutely dreadful things my step daughter witnessed as a child. He has been quite abusive to my step daughter lately, blaming stress of his marriage break up

This afternoon I had a visit from the police. I called them due to threats, harassment from ExH and coercive control. Police did confirm this was the case looking at the evidence I had.

Police asked about DS. They informed me that I should think carefully on if I want exH in DS life. He is only little and has every chance of escaping unharmed and living a good adult life without his dad wrecking it for him. This is what i obviously want for my son. The damage he has done to my step daughter (some witnessed by myself - though I was too scared to do anything at the time, I love her very much and did the best I could for her) is unreal. I've learnt about things that happened to her when she was 4,5,6,7 years old because of her dads behaviour and neglect when in her care.

I do not want this for my son. I do not want him to be without a father either but I am struggling to see what good exH can bring to DS life. He is an abusive controlling narcissist who only thinks about himself.

So what do I do? I'm looking at my DS thinking I have every chance to save him for any kind of child abuse/neglect but of course I don't know that's going to happen. I'm only going by exH track record.

Everyone used to think I had sorted exH out. Even my step daughters mum. She was allowed to come and stay when he settled down with me because I was there to help....well do most of the care for her. She's in her late teens now and can make her own decisions about her dad but I know she doesn't want to see him at the moment and rightly so.

Any advice? What can i do legally? He won't want to take me to court, he can barely do a food shop so getting a solicitor is too much hard work for him

I could’ve written your op myself. Exactly the same circumstances. Split with my ex early last year. Police involved due to him harassing me etc. I really tried (though I look back now and wonder wtf I was doing) to encourage a relationship between ex and our son (now 2.5). He eventually lost interest as I progressed the police involvement etc despite my poor boy being caught up in the mess asking “can I phone daddy/ when can I see daddy”… my patience broke when he spoke to ds on the phone before Christmas (had found out I was seeing someone new) and said “sorry ds I’m not your daddy anymore “ as a way to punish me.
That for me was the breaking point. These people don’t care for even their own children and use them as a means to cling onto and control the ex partners. Fast forward to now, also police ss Heath visitors etc asking if it’s really beneficial for my ds to have this creature in his life..: he’s so much happier. Doesn’t ask where “daddy” is as much. Is happy to hear that daddy’s being a bit silly now and we’re not going to speak to him when he’s being mean. My advice? Don’t tie yourself up in knots about your son needing someone in his life who will undoubtedly bring nothing but toxicity and mess! It took me a while and if he ever decides to clean up his act, act like a decent parent my opinion is ok we’ll see. Now and for the foreseeable? Nah thanks my boy is thriving and happy and doesn’t need your crap

Stop the visits now don't put your son through that you know his abusive your ds doesn't need a dad like that

I would stop the visits.

You need to do what is in the best interests of DS

Stop organizing visits and if your ex does nothing, that’s probably the best outcome. If he asks to keep visiting or takes you to court then suggest a contact centre? Make him do all the running round. As you say he will probably do nothing.

Normally I'm very supportive of a child being allowed a relationship with both parents and both sets of wider family groups (grandparents etc) and has he actually been inappropriate around your son? Because people can change and may now parent very differently than he did on the past. However I think you have every right to stop the visits if you feel that your sons wellbeing is at risk or insist they were supervised by someone you trust.

Only you know if your ex is likely to make this difficult and if you will need a non molestation order or similar to allow yourself and your son to live peacefully.