Parenting arrangements

[Newmumoct20]

Long story short. Me and my partner separated for 5 months when my son was 6 months old. We have since given things another try. Because of the reasons he left his family dislike me and want nothing to do with me.

Fast forward to now, it’s his other sons birthday in a few weeks. He wants to take our 1 year old out to dinner with his ex wife and other son and his family, I’m not welcome. I don’t think this is right, I want his other son to see his brother on his birthday but feel uncomfortable about his ex wife being hands on with our son when I’m not around. Am I being unreasonable?

It depends on the reasons his family don't like you really, but I think it's genstat fine for one parent to take their child out by themselves. Why do you think his ex wife will be doing anything with your son?

Why do his family hate you so much?

I think his family should (depending on the reasons they don't like you) either accept you being there, or accept your DS not being there. There's no advantage for your DS to attend without his mum surely, so it wouldn't be in his interests.

He chose to leave. I had issues with my mental health and he didn’t want to support me with my son, he wanted to live his life. His family feel I’m not good enough for him because of the issues I have suffered from, I have no issue with him taking my son out without me, he does this all the time, it’s just the presence of his ex wife being there with him. I guess I worry people will assume my son is hers and they are still together, they are still very close, one of the reasons we argued so much before we separated. This is supposed to be a fresh start. My family have forgiven him. His family are refusing to even try.

This is how I feel and my gut is telling me it’s not the right thing otherwise is it going to be every event birthday Christmas Easter that he has our son and I’m at home alone because his family don’t like me.

Surely it makes more sense for you, DH DSS and DS to have a family dinner together for DSS birthday? His mum can make her own arrangements with her family for his birthday.

I wouldn’t allow this either OP as you say, it sets a precedent of you being excluded for all future events.

I get confused by all the acryonyms! I think you are suggesting his son has a family meal on her side and then one with my partner and our side of the family. She’s really good friends with his family. They all still very close they all went on holiday together with my partner and left me at home while I was pregnant, that was before we separated. I just don’t want our son being dragged into the confusion x

Oh sorry!

OP is you.

DH is your husband (or DP is your partner)

DSS is your stepson

DS is your son

No I was suggesting just the four of you have a family dinner, you, your partner, your stepson and your son. The 4 of you are a family unit so it is appropriate for you to have a family meal just the four of you for a birthday. The boys mum can have whatever arrangements she likes but I wouldn’t allow my child to be there without me in this case as you are being deliberately excluded. Your partner is very disappointing in that he hasn’t stood up for you.

But if you didn't like his family then everyone would be saying you don't need to see them, they aren't your family, let DP and DS see them. So I see no reason to stop DS and DP from seeing them, unless they are actively saying things about you to DS.