Kids shouldn’t lie (and how to nip it in the bud)

[Motheroftwobabies]

So it turns DD (9) has been lying about how she’s got on at a couple of sports matches. Claimed she has got goals or participated well when it turns out that participation has been minimal.

Yes it’s not end of the world stuff but isn’t it just the beginning of a slippery slope? So Aibu that this is unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud? So how do I do that!? I have given some examples of where lying could end up badly but how can I really get the point home?

I would look into why they felt to need to lie to you.

I’d make clear that lying is the problem and there needs to be some kind of punishment for that (whatever you’d normally do - loss of screen time etc). But be clear that it’s not about how she did in the match, it’s the lying.

The best way to tackle childhood lying is to find out what is behind it and address that.

Why is your daughter lying about how she's doing in matches? Does she feel pressure to do well? Is she struggling with confidence and self-image? What messages has she received about losing and failing and how to deal with the feelings that arise?

In my experience children lie when they feel cornered. They lie their way out of trouble, they lie to cover embarrassment or feelings of inferiority, they lie to avoid a confrontation.

I wouldn't punish your daughter for lying about sports matches. Use it as an opportunity to enrich your relationship and teach her something valuable, not just about the dangers and effects of lying (which is important of course) but also about "not doing well" at something being a part of life and nothing to be ashamed of.

I'd be wondering why they thought they needed to lie to me. Might you have one point said if they're not participating properly you'll stop paying for it/taking them? That would explain her lying about doing better than she had.

Is it just about the sport? Is she worried that you'll be angry/ disappointed or something if she doesn't do well? Is she struggling at the sport?

Do you ever watch her? How is her participation then?

Kids do lie. It is not really a slippery slope for most people. Just tell them over and over that telling the truth is important and why, model telling the truth and also have a tink about why they might be lying to you about this.

Poor kid. Sounds like there’s a reason for the lie. Embarrassment perhaps and you want to punish her? How about listening instead..

Friends parents had very funny views about lying.

Friend badly affected in adult life by this odd world view.

Telling the truth obsessively likely as not to land you in the shit as an adult.

So, actually, sensible use of white lies is actually a skill..

kids lye to avoid issues. For example if there is a kid bullying her (only an example) and the kid says if you tell anyone you're dead meat. Then naturally a kid would then pretend it went well when really they hate every minute of it.

Could also be because perhaps you have high expectations for them and they aren't enjoying it. I've seen a friend in school whose mother wanted him to do clarinet and rowing 3 times a week. Despite the fact he lives on a trainline with only two trains to come home on.

In the end he moved far far away from her to the north of the UK. Either way as others have said there is a route cause to this issue. You can obviously say that you are there for them and they can talk to them but I would just in a calm, approachable way tell them that you know they aren't involved as much as they say and that you are here for them and hope they open up.

Self esteem or attention issues?
Look into what’s behind it.

A slippery slope to what? They lied probably because they didn’t want to get into trouble. Everyone lies sometimes.

@sadpapercourtesan

The best way to tackle childhood lying is to find out what is behind it and address that.

Why is your daughter lying about how she's doing in matches? Does she feel pressure to do well? Is she struggling with confidence and self-image? What messages has she received about losing and failing and how to deal with the feelings that arise?

In my experience children lie when they feel cornered. They lie their way out of trouble, they lie to cover embarrassment or feelings of inferiority, they lie to avoid a confrontation.

I wouldn't punish your daughter for lying about sports matches. Use it as an opportunity to enrich your relationship and teach her something valuable, not just about the dangers and effects of lying (which is important of course) but also about "not doing well" at something being a part of life and nothing to be ashamed of.

This

To lie about her participation in a sport suggests that she knows she is not meeting up to your expectations. Part of life is learning how to bounce back from failings, so you could use this as an opportunity to explain that to her, and that everyone has moments when things don't go as expected or desired.

@Forfamily123

I would look into why they felt to need to lie to you.

Exactly my initial thought.

Clearly she needs to feel that she's done these things. Why?

My ds is a swimmer and I've seen parents exaggerate their kids achievements by wording things very carefully. A) it's just stupid and b) it actually puts more pressure on the kids.

Could you focus much more on asking her about the fun, who did she talk to, what were the other team like? You put the focus elsewhere so she sees that these are the things that matter to you?

Instead of asking her how she did could you ask what she enjoyed about the game? Take the emphasis off the outcome and put it on the participation.

We don’t punish our kids for lying, we just thank them for telling the truth. If they have done something wrong, and they tell us the truth it’s fine in a way (like my son squirting toothpaste everywhere today) ‘thank you for telling us the truth, that was really grown up, you have made a mess though so I’d like you to put your game down, and come and clean it up with me’

Surely one doesn’t exclude the other? OP can look into the root cause of the lying and address that as/if needed but the lying still needs to be addressed. Even if there is a reason for the lying which OP can sympathise with, her daughter still needs to learn from this. Lying is never a good strategy or coping mechanism in life, and there won’t ever be a better time and place to sort this out than at home with your family. Th is is not a lesson anyone should have to learn the hard way in later life