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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To know if he is cheating

45 replies

Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 15:40

I have major trust issues and have been let down massively in the past. How do I know if he is cheating or if I am paranoid? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 15:48

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 26/01/2022 15:50

I don't think there is any way to be 100% sure a partner isn't cheating. What things make you think he might be?

Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 15:54

Changing their password after I snooped their phone. Speaking to women (apparently) through work related things at odd times. I'm aware it could be me I'm massively insecure and paranoid

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 26/01/2022 16:00

I would change my password if you snooped. Ti fair I would have ended it there.

You snooped and found nothing? What made you think you had a right to look through his phone?

Anonymous48 · 26/01/2022 16:01

Well first of all, stop snooping at their phone. I would change my password too if you did that! Trust goes both ways.

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you need to spend some time by yourself and work through some of these issues before you get into a relationship.

Chikapu · 26/01/2022 16:02

I'd change my password if I caught someone snooping on my phone, that's really not on but you know that.
Do you really want to be in a relationship if it causes you this much angst?

HirplesWithHaggis · 26/01/2022 16:03

If you don't trust him (and you don't, because you're snooping), end the relationship. It's not fair on either of you.

And yes, work on yourself before trying again with anyone else.

Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 16:12

I know I shouldn't have. I feel like I need to find something to validate my feelings. I've been alone for a while, so it's not that and I've tried to work through these problems. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship ever, because I really don't think these thoughts I seem to obsess over will ever go and it is causing me so much hurt

OP posts:
ButtockUp · 26/01/2022 16:14

Unless you deal with your trust issues, you will forever be suspecting your partner and any future partner.

I imagine your head is full of ...
'Why did he take his phone to the toilet?'
' Why did he post that on his FB page?'
Etc...

You really need to deal with this.

Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 16:21

How do I work through this? I have been trying for years and it is exhausting. I have been down the therapy route too

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 26/01/2022 16:23

@Pieandchips1234456

How do I work through this? I have been trying for years and it is exhausting. I have been down the therapy route too
What did your therapist suggest?
AlDanvers · 26/01/2022 16:24

@Pieandchips1234456

I know I shouldn't have. I feel like I need to find something to validate my feelings. I've been alone for a while, so it's not that and I've tried to work through these problems. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship ever, because I really don't think these thoughts I seem to obsess over will ever go and it is causing me so much hurt
So you put your want to validate your own feelings, above respecting his privacy.

Feelings that are based entirely on things other people have done.

What would happen if you started valuing respecting him more than you value you own wants, when it comes to suspecting cheating?

Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 16:24

You have hit the nail on the head buttock

OP posts:
Puffflashpuffflashbang · 26/01/2022 16:39

Well I'd change my password if I caught someone snooping through my phone. You've got nothing to go on other than your extreme paranoia.
You need to work through these issues with your therapist.

Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 16:45

Sorry to drip feed but in my weak defence 6 months into our relationship I did find several messages to random girls on a social media platform, which he has apologised for and promised not to do again. I would change my password to, but how to I mitigate these intrusive thoughts ?

OP posts:
Furrydogmum · 26/01/2022 16:50

He's already given you cause to mistrust him - it isn't just you being obsessive. I wouldn't have continued after the 6 month in issue to be honest. You'll probably always feel like this about him

KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 16:54

What kind of messages though? Were they flirty or just conversation? You can't control who he speaks to, that won't do either of you any good in the long run.

Original poster
Pieandchips1234456 · 26/01/2022 16:58

Yes flirty! You're gorgeous, how are you single etc

OP posts:
AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 26/01/2022 17:02

@Pieandchips1234456

Changing their password after I snooped their phone. Speaking to women (apparently) through work related things at odd times. I'm aware it could be me I'm massively insecure and paranoid
Sensed that after you chased your first post after 8 minutes
Maunderingdrunkenly · 26/01/2022 17:03

You what they say - just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you!

CheekyHobson · 26/01/2022 17:07

@Pieandchips1234456

Yes flirty! You're gorgeous, how are you single etc
You need better boundaries. If I found my boyfriend had sent a message like this to another woman six months into dating, that would be the end of the relationship. Why didn't you dump him then and there?
SamphiretheStickerist · 26/01/2022 17:18

@Pieandchips1234456

Changing their password after I snooped their phone. Speaking to women (apparently) through work related things at odd times. I'm aware it could be me I'm massively insecure and paranoid
You snooped on his phone?

Then it doesn't matter if his flirty messages mean he is or is not. YOU have an issue that you need to deal with. And that maybe this isn't the right time for you to try a new relationship, or even that he is the right person to be trying with.

RealBecca · 26/01/2022 17:21

So I think you need to be single.

You arent ready for a relationship. If you were, you wouldn't have accepted an apology for those messages as your self esteem and confidence would be high enough to know it's better to be single than with someone who behaves that way, or to spend forevermore paranoid.

KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 17:22

@Pieandchips1234456

Yes flirty! You're gorgeous, how are you single etc
That changes everything then. I'm not surprised you're anxious. But, kindly, keeping checking his phone is only going to make you more anxious. I would end it in your situation. You don't trust him and rightly so.
Suzi888 · 26/01/2022 17:26

It sounds like he has form? There’s no real way to ever be 100% certain, is there? and that’s the problem.