Tips for dealing with a narc ex

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Ex and I split up many years ago when ds10 was just a baby.

The relationship was very unpleasant and quite damaging. He was financially abusive (landed me in lots of debt), very manipulative and would stop at nothing to get his own way - whether it was intimidation, constant nagging or silent treatment. He could be physically abusive too and we fought several times. It was a very dark time in my life and left me with a lot of anxiety issues.

Over the years things have improved and we coparent well. We are both remarried with other children and have a good arrangement with our ds. But my ex still puts me on edge a lot. When things aren't going his way I will get long, ranty texts about how unreasonable I am. He pushes for more contact then let's ds down and if I challenge it it ends in a row.

Every time something like this happens I get incredibly anxious and I don't know why. I suppose it's because I still have to share my ds with him and I worry that the anxiety and abuse I suffered will somehow affect him. I worry that ex and his family will badmouth me to ds or that he won't return him when he's meant to (never happened but always plays on my mind). Despite nearly 10 years apart I still feel on edge and controlled and I don't know why I allow myself to feel like this. I really want to rise above it and not have him affect me but I can't.

I probably need to toughen up and just learn to ignore and disengage with him. But unless things are on an even keel and going smoothly I feel like I just can't settle. My dh is supportive but doesn't understand why I let him get to me so much. Has anyone else experienced anything like this and how did you deal with it?

Grey rock...

Definitely go Grey Rock technique. You cannot have a "normal" relationship with a narc.

I try not to give any emotion away when talking (debating) with him. I just stick to the facts. But when it concerns my son there has to be some sort of outcome, it's not like I can avoid contact with him altogether.

Obviously it's the long winded debates and negotiations that I need to stop getting dragged into but then it often leaves us with no resolution surrounding my son and the uncertainty also makes me really anxious.

I'm in this exact situation with DS8 and ex, absolutely grey rock as pp says.

I was an anxious mess for years, would find myself miserable and argumentative when DSs contact time was coming up from it. I had to learn to stand up for myself and cut off any unnecessary contact with him in the end to be able to move forward and feel out of his control.

If he sends long ranty texts you either ignore or only reply to what is actually relevant to you, ignore all excuses and attempts to manipulate or blame you, stick to the facts. If he asks for extra contact point out his unreliability and say no - if he wants to rant you tell him this is not a debate and end it there. It is only an argument if you participate! Remember that you don't have to engage beyond making arrangements for your child. I cut off all contact with mine in the end and DP is in charge of making arrangements, he is only permitted to contact me directly in emergencies. It is the best thing I have ever done for my own mental health.

If he or his family talk about you, so what? Who are they to you? I would guess that your son knows and loves you well enough that his opinion won't change, he is old enough to think for himself and have his own opinion on the matter. If he refused to bring him back when he should, that is easily resolved in a matter of days via a solicitor and it would only reflect poorly on him as a parent.

My DP also questions why I let my ex bother me sometimes, I think they don't understand that when you suffer abuse over a period of time it really changes the way your brain works and how you react to things, you're conditioned to feel this confusing mix of rage and guilt, as though the conflict is always your fault even though you know it isn't.

Have you ever tried or considered counselling op? I know some people hate the idea but I found it useful to get an outside perspective and it helped me learn how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries and let go of some of the internalised guilt I was experiencing.

Durin a time when on an even keel and relatively positive
Is it worth asking for a 5 minute chat and tellin him how he makes you feel and how ultimately not interest of your son

Even If inside you’re thinking “you fuc@ing arse”, it might just work on some level

You cannot negotiate with a narc. Their disordered thinking means they can never be reasonable.

Please work on your boundaries OP. Do not enter into any negotiations or discussions with your ex. The only communications should be regarding contact time with your child. Nothing else.

Thank you all especially @MonkeyToez it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone in dealing with this sort of shit.

The funny thing is I would like to think I'm quite a strong person. I rarely have conflict with anyone but if I do I can stand my ground. But with my ex it's like I crumble and become an anxious mess. It's only him who has this effect on me. I don't know if it's because it takes me back to a traumatic time in my life or because I'm anxious on behalf of my son now. I don't want my son to experience any of the feelings i went through. This is maybe why I try to over
compensate to make sure things always run smoothly. I have learnt certain tactics for dealing with him over the years too.