To wonder if this is depression?

[catheyowes]

I feel like I’m literally stuck to my bed . I don’t sleep until 3,4am and then when I do fall asleep I don’t want to wake up .

I spend all day just sitting, scrolling on my phone . My mind races 90 to the dozen but it’s always angry, anxious thoughts that eventually give way to emptiness . Sometimes I get angry or I cry but mostly just empty and numb . I don’t open the curtains anymore and I don’t eat much .

I need to do stuff around the house, I need to get washing in the machine. But the thought of getting up and doing it makes me feel cripplingly anxious and when I think, right I’ll go do it, my brain says, no, you might die, so I don’t do it . Tomorrow I need to go out, but my brain keeps saying I’ll die if I try, so it feels safer where I am and easier to just not try any more . Why try when it makes you feel like hell?

I’m horrendously lonely - I’m isolating myself - and I’m desperate . I don’t know what to do .

GP surgery said to take diazepam as it’ll make me feel better . Gave me two packets in December and they’ve just offered a third packet of 21 tablets . It just made me feel sluggish, I was getting memory gaps at times and when I stopped had horrendous rebound anxiety . I’m on anti depressants and propranolol, but been on both years and to be honest they’re both useless .

I no longer know what to do, or where to turn for help . Don’t know what to do.

Oh op, yes you sound very depressed. My heart goes out to you. We're you offered any cbt at all or can you afford to fund it yourself?

I know you say you are stuck to your bed, but by really trying to do one or two chores can have a good effect, or a shower or a soak in the bath. If you can manage a shorr walk outside where there is some greenery it can lift your mood and make everything seem a bit less bleak.

I hope someone comes along with more tailored advice for you, but in the meantime be assured you're not alone and there are wonderful people here on mumsnet to listen and help

Oh and phone scrolling makes everything worse, the people with 'perfect' lives on social media etc make you feel shitty about your own. It's a hard habit to break but try to put it down for a few minutes and try something else that uses your hands and brain like colouring or knitting. Reading is also a good way to relieve stress. I'd recommend books by Matt Haig.

I’m in mirtazapine and Proponal (can’t spell either!) and they’ve helped. mirtazapine helps me sleep, proponal helps when I’m feeling anxious in situations that are out of my control and when I have panic attacks. Maybe a review if your meds is needed?
I was initially put in Citrolapalm (excuse spelling) but they didn’t help