To be questioning best friend’s comment

[Greyhop]

My DD has just tested positive for Covid. She seems fine at the moment, but her close school friend has been quite ill with it. I was due to see my best friend at weekend, but I’ve cancelled. Best friend of course asked if DD was ok. And I said - so far mild. She then asked if I was stressed - and I said, I was concerned because DD had been to a party at the weekend - and I knew prior to party that DD’s close friend had it.
To which she replied - everyone’s a risk, you stress way too much.
I could have understand a - try not to worry, but was a bit unsure of “you stress way too much”. It’s just not the thing she’d usually say.
Very sadly, her Dad passed away before xmas - and she had a very hard time caring for him before he died. It was his funeral a couple of weeks ago. Again - DD had a close friend who had just tested positive shortly before the funeral, so I did ask best friend at the time if it was ok that I attended - and I kept my distance at the wake (there were many elderly people there/and I had very lively DS with me who is 2). Although I think I may have upset BF here as she stated several times that she wanted me to socialise as normal at the wake. There was a space just outside the room where I had toys for DS - and I went in room occasionally, and people came out and chatted to me.

I think I need to hear YABU. I’m concerned that I upset her by being distant at the wake. She has been through a lot, and the things are really difficult for her right now.
However I don’t think I was wrong to distance at the wake, or to worry about who my DD was in contact with at the weekend.

My BF means the world to me and I love her dearly. I don’t like to think I’ve offended her, of course I’ll let the comment go - and of course I’m overreacting. Right?

It sounds like she was trying to reassure you that it was okay that your daughter went to the party and you never know who could be spreading it. But I'm not sure that I understand how you're taking that negatively?

It was her final text to me. I replied shortly after with “I guess so, and that DD seems fine. I then asked how her week has been - but she didn’t read text or reply”. Maybe it seemed like an abrupt end to conversation?

I get a bit of this from some of my DP's family. I have stuff going on with hospital treatments that I'm awake worrying about I don't want to have to delay, but they seem to think I'm being precious by trying hard not to catch covid (which involves avoiding them when one of them thinks they may have covid. )

As far as I can see, everyone has been basically left to run their own risk assessments continually at the moment - for themselves and others. These risk assessments are informal and evolving but nevertheless important - and mine are certainly not intended as personal snubs.

Maybe talk to your friend when the dust has settled a bit, about how you both feel. No-one likes being told not to stress so much about something that genuinely worries them. OTOH you need to clear the air about what happened at her father's funeral and wake. Did you hug her? Are you showing her you're aware that she's grieving? Is there a teeny chance she thinks you're making too much stuff about you??

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

Tats a great post - thank you. That’s my concern. Have I made it all about me. No I didn’t hug - and was I difficult when she needed me?
My Mum had cancer during the first lockdown and after, and I was her carer. I was able to see her, but had a couple of instances where DS was ill shortly after visiting - and once became ill as I was visiting. Think this happened on three occasions, and I was very stressed that I’d potentially passed something on. I think my fears stem from that.
I don’t have many friends - and I think I tend to annoy people by maybe overreacting or being self absorbed.

Maybe sleep on it for a couple of days, OP. She'll no doubt read your text message soon.

I think it's important that we decide, collectively, not to allow covid to take friendships and relationships apart. That we are able to say to each other that it's ok to have different perceptions of risk, while data is still being gathered and lots of things are in a bit of disarray.

Your gut feeling is that you've somehow alienated your friend. Without being a doormat, would you wish to make a gesture to her, like a handwritten message about her and her father, in a special card (not Hallmark!), posted the old fashioned way with stamps? (You may have already done this.) I appreciated personal messages after my father died, for some time afterwards. It didn't all just stop after the funeral, as you'll know yourself from your own experiences.

Grief shouldn't be competitive. Illness shouldn't be competitive. They used to be (prior to social media) common shared experiences which enabled empathy and understanding. Maybe try and recapture some of that with your friend, focusing on her and her feelings at this time.

Font of all ignoranace, me.

YRNBU I think you are concerned about covid so you social distanced at the funeral very sensible thing to do. Unfortunately people who are more relaxed about covid seem to judge those who are not. (And vice versa) Did you give lots of support over phone etc during that time? Also of course you will worry if your young child is ill. Does your bf not have children? There's one of two possibilities either your overthinking this and bf was trying to reassure you or bf is not very understanding. But your concerns are legitimate. I'd be tempted to leave it and see how things are next time you speak.

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

That’s just lovely. Thank you - in fact you’ve brought a tear to my eye! I’m very glad you posted. Let your font bubble forth with effervescence, you sound very wise and kind!
Yess - need to give it time, and we can talk about everything when we next meet. Personal message was delivered shortly after he passed, and there was a book about his life at the funeral which I’ve been reading. He was a truly amazing man. I think I have been focussed on me, and perhaps wrapped myself away when she needed me.

@autienotnaughty

Thank you! No BF doesn’t have children - and I think my anxiety/concern over Covid is more extreme - but I think that’s due to having children/having to be careful around my Mum.

I felt like I tried to give lots of support prior to and after death - but not face to face. I did always offer - but also would state my potential risk.

I think it’s maybe a bit of both - me overthinking, and BF not quite seeing where I’m coming from.
But I feel maybe she’s pulling away from me? And I’d feel a great loss if that happened.

It sounds like she’s had a really difficult time lately. All you can do is be there for her and try to see her when you next can. If you’re not positive then you can still see her; we’re all going to have to start living with covid.

Did she mind you bringing your 2yr old to the wake? I wouldn’t be too happy about that; you were continually distracted plus not really mixing with people on the day.

My Dad died a few months ago and upon reflection, I think sometimes I may have made comments like that purely because I just didn’t have the headspace for other people’s worries. I may have sounded dismissive but in fact I just replied instinctively and wasn’t as engaged/supportive as I would usually be.

You sound like a good friend, I wouldn’t worry too much x

I wonder if, because you have children and covid is therefore a perpetual topic for you, she thinks or perceives that it’s all you ever think about? Even if it’s untrue it might seem that way to her right now. She was looking forward to seeing you but once again you’ve got covid concerns.

When my DDad died I found it a really profound experience. Nothing else was very important and one friend really upset me by making excuses to not talk to me. I’m not suggesting for a minute you are doing that but bear in mind she’s very recently bereaved.

She’s you best mate. Put aside any hurt feelings and do something proactive. Call her and arrange lunch/ send some flowers/ tell her you’re think of her and what can you do to help her.

Best wishes with it. I absolutely agree with PP that covid must not interfere with relationships.

I wonder if, because you have children and covid is therefore a perpetual topic for you, she thinks or perceives that it’s all you ever think about? Even if it’s untrue it might seem that way to her right now. She was looking forward to seeing you but once again you’ve got covid concerns.

That's very astute, and I think the most likely reason for this. And yes, I'm afraid that fussing over your two year old a bit unnecessarily, was not ideal at the wake, and was a distraction for her and others

Maybe dump covid as a subject of conversation. It's not as big a deal for her as it is for you, and she's probably just tired of hearing about it. She's not worried about any minor perceived risk, so just carry on life as normal without bothering her with the details.

I think you're probably reading too much into the "you stress too much" comment. I very much doubt it was meant in a nasty way, and with text messages you lose the tone of the comment. It's the kind of thing I can imagine someone saying in a light-hearted way in an actual conversation, with the intention of reassuring you.