Page 2 | ‘They never ask me anything about myself’

Cheekypeach · 2022-01-25T20:16:39+00:00

Conversation with my sister popped into my head earlier Me: Hi, just phoning for a chat, how are you? Sister: I’m fine thanks how are you? Me: I’m fine - how is your week going? What’s the news? Sister: No news really. How has your week been? Me: Good thanks, been doing X Y and Z, blah blah blah *Long pause* Me: What’s wrong? Sister: I’m just a bit annoyed, you never ask anything about me and just go on and on I did ask, it’s not my fault she didn’t bloody answer! Am I supposed to ask every single thing that might have happened in case it did?! If she wants to tell me something so much, why not just bloody say it? Why wait to be asked? I hate scripted volley-like conversation, can’t we just say what pops into our heads?? ARGH!

sweetbutapshyco · 25/01/2022 22:56

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Ionlydomassiveones · 25/01/2022 23:06

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Endpress · 25/01/2022 23:07

How long do you talk about yourself. I can’t believe how long some folk hog the airspace without looking for the other person to join in. It’s difficult to jump in if someone is talking non stop

BoredZelda · 25/01/2022 23:23

Rather than waiting to be asked, why don’t people just say what they want to say?

Maybe they can’t get a word in edgewise with all the XYZ blah blah blah stuff. I realised a few years back that I’m really bad at asking people about themselves. I either didn’t do it or I would just keep rabbiting on and take over. I make a conscious effort now.

HeddaGarbled · 25/01/2022 23:42

This is probably a six of one and half a dozen of the other situation.

Try these:

Instead of a ‘What’s the news?’ type question, think about something that’s going on with her or her family, and ask about that. This will show that you do actually listen to her and think about her and the things which are important to her.

Tell her one or two things you’ve been doing then stop talking. It is not necessary to fill all silences with your voice. If the conversation is flagging, it’s OK to end it.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 26/01/2022 02:14

@PrimroseBed

Im a bit like your sister- never volunteer anything unless I’m specifically asked. And I also feel a bit disgruntled that people don’t ask

That would be too much hard work for me!

user1471519931 · 26/01/2022 02:16

I don't trust my sibling so don't always want to open up and share news with them.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 26/01/2022 10:37

Some people find it hard to just ‘open up’ especially if the other person talks a lot, doesn’t listen or seem interested, or changes the conversation back to themselves as soon as they can. Do you tend to do any of those?

If she sounded upset or worried why not ask specific questions eg ‘how’s work? Everything ok with partner/kids/house?’ Rather then asking for news. Show some interest in her life and what’s going on, how she’s feeling, rather than talking about yourself?

Original poster

Cheekypeach · 26/01/2022 10:53

That said when people call me just for a waffle about something going on in their lives, I’m absolutely fine with it & don’t feel at all aggrieved that they don’t ask me how I am. I like hearing other people’s news, I’m just not willing to spent hours trying to draw something out of them.

OP posts:

Haribosweets · 26/01/2022 11:13

I have a lot of rubbish going on in my life at the mo and really wanna just talk about it, cry have a hug but anyone I see it's just the usual How are you? And I always say I'm ok when I'm not. As other people have said, if someone said to me how's XYZ doing at school or how is your XYZ problem at work I would then probably answer in full. A lot of people are like that OP. Or maybe text her with the questions and she may reply in full and you can ring if she needs support.

MedusasBadHairDay · 26/01/2022 11:21

@PrimroseBed

Im a bit like your sister- never volunteer anything unless I’m specifically asked. And I also feel a bit disgruntled that people don’t ask

That sounds exhausting to deal with honestly.

How are people meant to know what to specifically ask you about?

Purpleraspberry · 26/01/2022 11:33

"She’s very highly strung as a person and naturally quite tense. I pointed out I asked how she was and what was going on with her, and she said nothing
Then she was all ‘oh but if you’d asked a bit more then maybe I would’ve said something’
I gave up at that point to be honest!"

(Sorry I tried to quote text but it wouldn't let me). She sounds very hard work, and you don't have to walk in eggshells and analyse your every word in case her nose gets out of joint that you didn't show her enough interest . I am not surprised you said she is highly strung she certainly sounds it.

The only time I can see her annoyance being reasonable is, if you didn't ask her at all how she was or anything at all and proceeded to talk about yourself without letting her get a word in. That doesn't sound like what happened here. Sounds to me like she was uptight about something anyway, and it was HER who wanted to dominate the conversation with whatever it was she was phoning about.

breakdown19 · 26/01/2022 11:41

I think it's often people don't know how to converse...
i think back to the last convo I had
Oh yes your ds was going to that football match how was that?
Or what did you decide about your new curtains in the end?

MiddleNameJane · 26/01/2022 11:49

When she does tell you something, do you show interest by asking follow-up questions? I have a friend who only asks very general things like "How are you? How was your Christmas?" and seems to think that's enough. If I reply, "oh it was nice, we took the DC to their first panto" she'll just go "oh right, cool" and then turn the conversation to herself. Which makes me feel like she isn't very interested - surely you'd say something like "wow, how was it? Did they enjoy it? What was the show?" etc.

Also echoing pp's who said its good to follow up on something from your last chat.

Boood · 26/01/2022 12:28

I often find this disconnect when I talk to people. When it’s my turn to talk, I’ll say a couple of sentences and then pause to give them the chance to either ask me more, or change the subject. There are some people who unfailingly change the subject and then plough on without a break for ages, so the end result is that we talk about them for 90% of the conversation. It’s poor communication and a bit inconsiderate if they do this all the time, and I do eventually stop bothering to tell them anything.

PrimroseBed · 26/01/2022 12:51

@MedusasBadHairDay Not remotely exhausting for anyone else- I simply don’t tell my broader family anything about myself and it works very well. They probably think I have a very quiet life.

WhatNoRaisins · 26/01/2022 12:57

I don't think I'd be any good at talking to someone like your sister. I don't like having to read between lines

Original poster

Cheekypeach · 26/01/2022 13:10

@Boood

I often find this disconnect when I talk to people. When it’s my turn to talk, I’ll say a couple of sentences and then pause to give them the chance to either ask me more, or change the subject. There are some people who unfailingly change the subject and then plough on without a break for ages, so the end result is that we talk about them for 90% of the conversation. It’s poor communication and a bit inconsiderate if they do this all the time, and I do eventually stop bothering to tell them anything.

Why not just keep talking and say what you want to say?

OP posts:

Holly60 · 26/01/2022 13:11

Did you just ask her the one thing and then chat for ages about you? To be honest I would probably have answered like your sister to start with as I wouldn’t have known where to start. But then I would probably have thought of something to say and if you hadn’t given me a chance I might have been a bit annoyed.

A more normal conversation in my opinion would be:

You: hi how are you?
Sis: yeah fine thanks, how are you?
You: fine thanks too. I’m a bit stressed at work but it’s ok
Sis: oh no that’s rubbish. Why?
You: oh well…. Explanation/ chat about your work.
You: how about you, is your work ok?

And so on, back and forth about all aspects of life.

Theroughoperator · 26/01/2022 13:14

@PrimroseBed

Im a bit like your sister- never volunteer anything unless I’m specifically asked. And I also feel a bit disgruntled that people don’t ask

Me: Hi, just phoning for a chat, how are you? Sister: I’m fine thanks how are you? Me: I’m fine - how is your week going? What’s the news? Sister: No news really. How has your week been?

If someone asked you the above questions would that not be enough? What more would you want?

EmmaH2022 · 26/01/2022 13:15

@Cheekypeach

That said when people call me just for a waffle about something going on in their lives, I’m absolutely fine with it & don’t feel at all aggrieved that they don’t ask me how I am. I like hearing other people’s news, I’m just not willing to spent hours trying to draw something out of them.

I get it. My sister is similar and I make the effort but it's quite strange. How do I know what's a "go away" signal and what's a "ask more" signal?!

PrimroseBed · 26/01/2022 13:42

@Theroughoperator The more I think about this, the more I realise I only really do it with my mum and it’s a deliberate strategy to avoid telling her things. I would answer honestly if she asked a direct and specific question but that’s it. A sort of light version of grey rock, maybe. I occasionally feel mildly bothered by the fact she doesn’t know things about me but on balance it’s better.

Backgroundnoises · 26/01/2022 17:45

My dil doesn’t like me because I ask her too many questions. After years of sitting listening to my mother in law talking incessantly without once wanting to know anything about me, I thought, I won’t ever be that uncaring. Still got it wrong. To be honest, not getting much right in that relationship, so just keeping my distance for now.