Teenage sons

[Nicolaap]

Nicolaap

Hi

So this a long story, and I could do with some advice or direction.

I have 3 children 17, 12 and 4.

My eldest is 17 and seems completely unmotivated to do anything, he has say his GCSE’s last year achieved good grades but didn’t try, his final year at school was a nightmare completely just didn’t want to follow rules etc, he then also developed an eating disorder OSFED, now this disorder is a generalised one but basically he controls what he eats, exercises a lot and then often binges and makes himself sick, which we have sought help for, after so many visits he refused to go to the eating disorder clinic and I get no say as he’s over 16, I’ve paid for private dieticians, offered to pay for psychiatrist therapy and paid for a personal trainer on the basis that they would teach him about the need for a body to recover and what exercise is best and what he needs to eat to maintain his normal bodily functions, I have tried everything to help personally and to get professionals, I understand it’s a really long journey and incredibly frustrating for him to suffer with.

The ongoing issues we have is that his full time college course is 10 hours a week that’s it 10 hours, he has had a couple of part time jobs but cannot stick to them even if I take him pick him up and incentivise him for going to work- I wouldn’t want him to work day more than 12 hours a week ish but I feel that he is of an age to work and also that it will help with his recovery so he isn’t thinking about food and his weight all the time but also teach him some responsibility, he is a genuinely lovely lad kind hearted, great sense of humour but as he’s got older he seems to have an issue with rules, what I mean by this is that if his teachers asked him to do something he wouldn’t if he didn’t fancy it, it’s almost like he hates authority, he has rules at home but they are not huge as he is 17, all we ask is that we know where he is and also that he cleans up after himself and is respectful in the home I.e no swearing etc.

He’s started driving lessons paid for by grandparents and seems disinterested, we even bought him a little run around car so we could take him for additional lessons and we’ve been out once in it.

He seems genuinely disinterested in anything that doesn’t have any benefit to him and it’s almost like he doesn’t care about anything other than gym, mma fighting and seeing his mates occasionally. I haven’t let him run riot all his life and there has always been consequences - so like at school if he got a DT for not doing homework I wouldn’t argue it because he didn’t do it.

He did get an allowance of £25 a week and this was to try teach him about money but it’s seemed to do the opposite, I’ve got to the point where I’ve said if he doesn’t work then he shouldn’t get an allowance as college is only 10 hours per week and also that I have to constantly try to drag him out of bed all whilst trying to work too, it seems that he just thinks everything should be handed to him.

My question is really am I been harsh removing his allowance obviously I will cover his fares, food etc to show him that he needs to take some responsibility for his life? I know he’s only young still but I feel it’s important, I have worked since I was 14 and have a good job now which allows me to live comfortably but that was all from hard work. As a mum I’m torn I understand he has the eating disorder and many a times I’ve sat cuddling him or reassuring him and I am genuinely sympathetic to the eating disorder but I also feel that by taking a little bit of control over his life may help the situation. Me and Hubby constantly disagree over the financial aspect of it - he says I’m too soft and I’m starting to believe that maybe I am and this is why I’m struggling now.

Any advice would be useful or shared experiences. Xx

Thank you for reading this really long mixed up message
Nic x

Hard to say.
Does he follow the house rules?
How about carry on with the £25 per week but make it cover everything - phone, travel, clothes, gym feed, going out etc. And if he wants more he earns it. And you dont get involved with his work life, that's up to him?

Sell the run around if he doesnt use it. Let him find the extra money for additional lessons if he needs them. If he doesnt want to, then leave it.

My general advice would be to take a more supporting less instructing role in his life, and yes, far less on a plate.

Hi thank you for replying!

Yes in general he does follow the house rules and he cooks food and generally tidies up after himself.

Yes that’s a good idea, I had thought give the £25 a week to cover everything and gets nothing else on top of that, hubby thinks he should get nothing other than bus fares and obviously food and shelter , I guess the hard part of been a parent is the letting go isn’t it and knowing when to step back. X

@Porcupineintherough

Hard to say. Does he follow the house rules? How about carry on with the £25 per week but make it cover everything - phone, travel, clothes, gym feed, going out etc. And if he wants more he earns it. And you dont get involved with his work life, that's up to him?

Sell the run around if he doesnt use it. Let him find the extra money for additional lessons if he needs them. If he doesnt want to, then leave it.

My general advice would be to take a more supporting less instructing role in his life, and yes, far less on a plate.

The work/college/allowance/car things to me are a bit of a red herring and to deal with those this suggestion is great. However, at the start of your post is the most alarming bit, he is binging and purging? That's not right, and I would focus on getting him help with that and finding out what is behind it.

Does he have friends, does he go out

He has an eating disorder and mental health issues, this will cloud every thing he does. None of it will be rational to you but his eating disorder is his way of having control. He is ill. I know that you are being supportive and that it is hard to do that but if I am honest removing money and making his life harder is not the right approach right now. It is very frustrating when motivation is not there but I think it is wrapped up in his eating disorder and only by dealing with that will he be able to deal with life in general. Focus on getting him to college and getting better then the rest will hopefully fall into place.

Thanks everyone all of your suggestions and advice is really useful

I understand his eating disorder is a huge part of the issue and I am supporting him through that, we did go to an eating disorder clinic and we went for maybe 6 visits - they told us they would try get to the bottom of it but during the visits nothing would be discussed in regards to the mental health side of it, he got frustrated and discharged himself from the sessions and they said there was nothing I could do about it due to his age.

I’ve paid for private dieticians as the eating disorder unit said he would benefit from this but they didn’t have one, I’ve also arranged therapy which he refuses to do, and hired a personal trainer to help him understand about recovery and what food he eats compared to what he burns - I was hoping someone other than me explaining things to him would help and be educational, I’m at a loss as to what else I can do in terms of treatment and all I can think of is to try keep him busy to try keep him occupied, I’m very understanding of his situation and he is very open with me about things.

He has a handful of close mates who he sees on weekends as they are all at college full time during the week. He fills his time with MMA and gym and cooking - he isn’t laid in bed all the time luckily just doesn’t seem to get up for college etc unless I prompt him.

I just feel like I’m failing him somehow

His college should have a careers advisor; I'd suggest he sees them. (If not, you could pay to consult a careers advisor.) He sounds like a very clever kid who has learned he can coast and still get good grades. Of course, he's not motivated to study or heed his teachers when he doesn't need to in order to pass. There is nothing else for him to focus on, at the moment, except his fitness and diet which are wholly within his control. Without diminishing the seriousness of his health condition, food intake is one of the few things that a child can control. I think he might benefit from a new focus - like a desirable career goal he actually needs to work toward and for which he can be personally responsible. I wouldn't take away his allowance - It might further demotivate him and/or complicate his situation. Perhaps when he has a new intellectual challenge in his life he'll be more receptive to therapy? Not every teen has the same level of maturity; he's not at the same stage as you were, age for age. You aren't failing him; you are actively seeking ways to help him. You're just not him. I find it meaningful that he sees the value of following house rules but rebels against the school rules.