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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have simply had enough.......

11 replies

SVlover · 25/01/2022 10:21

approaching mid50s, worries about aging parents; busy job; house to clean; all cooking; all house/teen management; all cleaning; all shopping; everything else...weekends spent cleaning or on work trips, no holidays...(family business) so a trip to the NEC is considered my holiday!!! crap pay so no cleaner....
totally fed up, possibly due to lack of appreciation (except from 15 year old son who is lovely)..no affection from my husband, I feel terrible and tired after COVID..17 DD is a total nightmare....
so, where does one gain perspective and hope?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2022 10:23

Oh god honestly I don't even know what to say to make it seem better. Our brains just hate us don't they - they pile on the worry and anxiety about stuff we can't control etc.

Covid hasn't helped, nowt to look forward to etc.

If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be?

SVlover · 25/01/2022 10:26

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Oh god honestly I don't even know what to say to make it seem better. Our brains just hate us don't they - they pile on the worry and anxiety about stuff we can't control etc.

Covid hasn't helped, nowt to look forward to etc.

If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be?

A hug from husband A deep clean and redecoration of home A successful business and holiday (that's 4)
OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2022 10:32

Does your husband acknowledge that your relationship is struggling? Have you and he chatted about it?

SVlover · 25/01/2022 10:34

He sort of blames me for the lack of affection as I have sort of quite literally dried up. Have tried everything tbh.....
I think a great deal of it has to do with lack of romance
I just can't be in the mood

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/01/2022 10:35

Why are you doing everything?

Simply not fair.

Have a hard look at the list of jobs that you do.

Stop doing laundry for those that don't appreciate you.

Stop cooking every night.

Decide to cook 3 nights a week and tell them to fend for themselves with toasties, soup etc.

Stop doing any taxiing for ungrateful child.

Dramatically reduce your cleaning by simply leaving things.

Stop giving ANY money to lazy children who won't treat you with respect and help out.

Look at moving into another bedroom to give you space.

Stop buying ANYTHING when shopping that others like.

Cut your shopping back to the essentials only, to cover the bare necessities.

Stop being a doormat to your family.

They will treat you as poorly as you allow.

Can you go away for a few days?

Even go and stay in your parents house if that would give you a break.

Can you change jobs?
Who benefits from you being paid badly?

Where is all the money going?

Can you look for a better paid job?

Hang in there, but see how you can help yourself.

Flowers
Time40 · 25/01/2022 10:38

A hug from husband

Oh god, that is so terribly sad. I'm sorry, OP

Do you think your relationship could be saved, or do you think it's dead? If you believe that it's dead, I think the best thing to do would be divorce.

Spinnier · 25/01/2022 10:44

I bet your list looks very different to your husband's. I don't know what the answer is, but it sounds like your relationship and a shared priority list is key.

It sounds bonkers but when I did CBT for anxiety one of my takeaways was to schedule something in for pleasure every day. Not things like dieting or exercise - things that are actually just more jobs - but things that are purely for me to enjoy in the moment, that would never make the "ought to do" list. If it's hard to think of things, it's all the more important that you do it.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 25/01/2022 11:01

I hear you, OP.
🌷🌷🌷

5YearsLeft · 25/01/2022 11:23

Oh, OP. I get it, I really, really do. Life can be so relentless and hard. It feels like everything piles on at once and then you find that 24 hours in a day aren’t enough, no one appreciates what you’re doing with them anyway, and there’s nothing to look forward to in the next 24 hours…

I know you say you’ve tried everything with DH; have you tried counseling? I know you said crap pay is an issue but I know there are free and reduced options, or NHS counseling has short waiting lists in some areas OR some places have churches that will offer counseling without piling religion on you, because they have the training for supporting people. If you have tried counseling, apologies for mentioning it. But sometimes we need someone to help us communicate; you feel dreadfully alone, he blames you - that’s just about the anti-recipe for romance right there! And if he’s not willing to try counseling; maybe it’s time to REALLY think about how it’s possible for him to blame you if you’re willing to try and he’s not…

I would say this. Life may feel unbearably long right now, but it can suddenly turn short. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let other people and other situations take your life away from you. You can’t live for your husband, or DD, or even your lovely DS, even if you’re living WITH them. There is nothing written in stone anywhere saying that you have to cook them a single meal or do a single piece of washing for them. It sounds like it’s very difficult and enmeshed because it’s a family business so you get no proper holidays or time off, but… can you just walk away on a Friday night? Could you just go do whatever you want? I know with crap pay it won’t be a trip to Barcelona, but it could just be a coffee to enjoy by yourself. If it can’t be fixed with your husband, it’s not too late to try again until you’re dead. I know people who have found lovely new romances in their 50s, so please don’t think it’s impossible. Really think about what @billy1966. What would your life be like if you lived for you? If you did things for people who appreciated you only (and I understand necessary work things)? Maybe you don’t WANT to work for the family business; maybe you want to apply for normal jobs with normal pay and normal holidays. I don’t know if that’s an option. But stress will wear you down as well, and can hurt your body so much. Please don’t let it make you ill before you make changes. Start them today. Not even tomorrow. You are so, SO deserving of what you want in this life, and none of us know how much time we’ll have to enjoy it.

Good luck, OP. I wish you all the very, VERY best. I know it seems so overwhelming and impossible, but if you take just one small step for yourself today, it will be more than yesterday. You cannot light yourself on fire to keep others warm, especially since it sounds like you’re approaching a burnout yourself. Flowers

SVlover · 25/01/2022 11:40

Thanks for your detailed response! appreciate it

OP posts:
Brogues · 25/01/2022 12:01

If you didn’t work for the family business would you be able to work somewhere else with better pay and holidays? Does you DH work for the family business?

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