Tell the GF or keep my nose out?

[nadianel2]

A woman I know has recently got engaged for the 6th time. She's mid 30's and this current engagement is to the same guy as engagement number 5.

I don't know her super well and haven't seen her since the pandemic but we have a close mutual friend and are friends on social media.

Our mutual friend told me that they met on a dating app in Summer 2020 and in October 2020 he moved into her flat and they converted her spare room for his children who stay at the weekend. They got engaged in March 2021. Our mutual friend had a breakup due to infidelity and when confiding in this woman, this woman admitted that actually between him moving in and proposing, she discovered he was still on dating apps and exchanging naked photos with other women. She explained that they had a fight about it but they were now on good terms.

August 2021, she finds out that he is doing more than just messaging on these sites. He's still on/rejoined and has been meeting up with and having sex with multiple women. He cried, apologised, begged for forgiveness but she threw him out. In October she took him back, he proposed again and she accepted. Not sure of the ins and outs since then.

I am a single woman and have recently joined some dating sites and he has messaged me. It's 100% him. I started some light conversation and he mentioned his kids and I asked when his most recent relationship ended and he said August 2021. I checked the woman's Instagram page and as of three days ago he was #LoveOfHerLife.

Do I:
a) tell her
b) tell our mutual friend
c) keep my nose out of an obviously chaotic relationship?

She needs to know (she probably already does from his past behaviour tbh) but maybe from a closer friend.

My DD always told the girlfriend/partner, just to cover herself if it blew up and her name was on the list.

I would 100% tell her and have in the past.

I was very recently the mutual friend in this scenario where someone told me something about my best friends partner.

I told her immediately because there's no way I was being seen as keeping that from my best friend. I wouldn't have been able to look her in the eye.

So either really. Tell her directly or tell the mutual friend if you think she'd be more likely to believe her.

Tricky one, as this woman has a ... volatile dating/engagement history, & past form indicates that she's challenge him, have a huge break-up row, & then take him back.
Again. This would be what - the 4th time with him?

However, it's up to her, & she deserves to know.
The fact that it's obvious to you, & us random strangers, doesn't mean it's obvious to her when he he lies about promises to reform every time she catches him ...

So, I'd inform her, but not over-invest in the outcome.

What's the point?
She'll take him back. Yet again.

I'd message him saying I know you are with X you absolute cockroach. Stop trying to stick your dick in every woman you meet you sack of crap.

He'll be worried wondering if/when you tell her.

She already knows and has made her decision.

@DrSbaitso

She already knows and has made her decision.

This. You'll only cause yourself grief if you interfere, and it's not like she doesn't know.

All you had to say was you're on a dating site, someone you know that is engaged has been messaging you - do you tell his fiance and the answer would be yes. Always yes.

In most cases I would tell but basically it doesn't matter what this man does she's going to stay with him. She has proven that already. Think this one is a lost cause.

You tell her. He may have promised to change.
And if they are in an open relationship he's still cheating by not telling you that.

I wouldnt bother as she clearly is prepared to turn a blind eye. I was sleeping with a guy casually for over two years and then found out he was living with his gf and kids all the time. I eventually told her after she contacted me. I took all the blame and I think they are still together. He is back on a hook up site to. More fool you claire.

Just off the phone with our mutual friend. Who has seen this woman a lot more recently than I have.

Part of the agreement of taking him back is that she knows the passcode to his phone and is able to check it at any given time and apparently he's been very accommodating with this. Clearly, he has a second phone.

Mutual friend things we need to tell. Even if she decides to stay with him. What concerns us is the children that are caught up in this.

Part of the agreement of taking him back is that she knows the passcode to his phone and is able to check it at any given time and apparently he's been very accommodating with this.

This relationship doesn't need any further help to fail.

Yes, tell her. 100%
At least because it might become known that he’s messaged other women and you will be on the list .

She sounds as if she's unfit to take care of herself. So I'd tell her.

@greenlynx

Yes, tell her. 100% At least because it might become known that he’s messaged other women and you will be on the list .

This is a very good shout and something I didn’t think of.

My friend and I were discussing who should tell her and I thought she’d take it better from a close friend but unless she mentions I’m the one that found him, she’s going to go looking for that burner phone and find our chat.

@2bazookas

She sounds as if she's unfit to take care of herself. So I'd tell her.

Brace yourself- she’s a child psychologist.

Oh boy.

I sent the message. I told her that I was sorry to have to contact her but I’d definitely want to know. I said partners name messaged me through a dating site earlier this week. I said that I responded to double check and it’s definitely him, same pictures, same details about his life but that he’s a single dad.

She replied to say she appreciates me getting in touch but that it’s an old profile from before they were together that he’s “forgotten” to take down and all is well.

I’ve relieved myself of any conflicted feelings, I clearly set out that he contacted me a few days ago and that he replied to messages. She’s chosen denial.

My friend received a print screen off all the evidence of her husband cheating from an anonymous instagram account.
It killed her not know who sent her it, but she was ever grateful she had in black and white that he was a shit bag.

If I was ever in the same situation I would do the same.

Least you've told her. If she wants to be daft, that's her problem. She'll eventually see sense, hopefully before she's pregnant.

Oh dear. At most id message back and say "he contacted me via the dating app on x date, it wasn't just his profile is up on it, he is actively using the account. If you would like to see the messages and time /dates on them, happy to share that. But I won't mention it again as your relationship is none of my business."

She may have just decided she wants to be with him enough to tolerate him snagging about.

She ignored the bit where you said he replied

You should have screenshot his reply and sent it to her.

She knows. She just wants to pretend.

Let's hope he's at least wearing a condom when he's fucking his way round town.

I would send screen shots to the mutual friend so that even if the mutual friend does nothing, she knows it's true.
This isn't your responsibility.

oh a) that was quick!

I feel that I laid out all the info in the initial contact and she's chosen which parts she wants to acknowledge.

Also, there's no way she's just glanced at that message and moved on with her day. She'll have read the whole thing and be analysing it. Her response to me was very quick which suggests it was a knee jerk reaction to me.