AIBU to ask outright *trigger warning for abuse*

[mouseygirl]

Firstly, please be gentle with responses as I'm feeling very fragile just now.

I was sexually abused as a young teenager and the first person I told was my guidance teacher at college. She didn't say much or refer me to anyone or any resources and I started dating my first boyfriend at 18 and he suddenly dropped me like a hot potato. I asked him why and he said our teacher had taken him aside and told him it was a bad idea to get involved with me as I was 'damaged'.

In my early 20's I confided in a friend who found it a very awkward conversation and after some years we drifted apart, she would never mention it and if I tried to bring it up she would change the subject.

My DD was the result of a one night stand (father is involved and they have a good relationship) where I got blind drunk and tried to convince myself I was 'normal'. Other than that, I haven't had a relationship and I am now in my mid 40's. I had some therapy in my 20's and 30's which helped slightly but I always struggled to tell friends and find it hard to fake interest when friends suggest set ups and dating apps. I feel like I keep all my friends at a distance because of this.

I became close to a female friend a couple of years ago and she never broached the subject of dating. Her relationship broke down last year and I was heavily involved with helping her get through it. I felt like I couldn't relate to a lot of her experience and as though I was no use as I couldn't say 'oh this happened to me when I split from XYZ'.

I told her I had something to tell her and I was nervous about it. We arranged an evening away with no kids to have a discussion. She told me it was ok if I changed my mind about talking and there was no pressure. I ended up giving her a letter detailing what had happened. She gave me a big hug and told me there was no pressure to tell her more but I could if I wanted to and that she was more proud of me than she had ever been of anyone in her life. She told me she felt the way people had responded before was 'disgusting, inappropriate and wrong'.

The next few months consisted of activities with the children so we didn't have much one on one alone time talk. I felt comfortable with her knowing a bit about my background but was delighted we could still have a 'fun' friendship and it never changed the way she felt about me.

Recently she has started to distance from me. We both have our own lives but typically, we would be in contact daily, exchanging photos of the kids or something funny we had seen online. Now I'm looking at a 4-7 day turnaround for a reply to a text.

I'm deeply paranoid that her reason for distancing from me is my disclosure even though she was supportive at the time. Deep down, I don't think she would 'gossip' about it with anyone else but my mind is telling me that maybe she told someone and they've told her that I'm damaged and to stay away from me. We had a very open and honest friendship but I don't feel like I can speak to her in the same way I normally would right now.

It wasn't one sided, she told me deeply personal things too and I definitely wasn't clingy or inappropriately attached to her. It's causing me a lot of sleepless nights wondering if I 'ruined' a good friendship by disclosing this.

OP you've really gone through it. What that teacher did was awful and so mean and unprofessional.

I really think more therapy would be good for you. There's lots to unpack. Not everyone can deal with topics like this. My partner would find that very hard. Not because he's a bad person he has gone through his own trauma and finds it brings it all up.

The distance from your friend must be really hard but it may be nothing to do with you. People come in and out of our lives. She may just be be busy with her kids and new partner.

I think your friend is probably just finding her feet in her new life and doesn’t need/ have as much time for you as a result. That’s hurtful for you but a good thing for her moving on. I don’t think your disclosure made a difference sbd I think she still wants to be your friend but the perimeters need rewritten.

Why not try to chat to her about it?

I’m sorry you’ve been treated so appallingly 💐

This is heartbreaking

What that guidance teacher did was reprehensible

But I mean this kindly, not everyone needs to know about your abuse. It can be difficult for people to navigate and especially relatively new partners or friends.

Your current issue with your friend might be down to her being busy at the moment. I wouldn't read too much into her being a bit distant.

I'd also say more therapy is needed here, there is a lot to unpack and you might need to get deeper into that

@aristotlesdeathray

This is heartbreaking

What that guidance teacher did was reprehensible

But I mean this kindly, not everyone needs to know about your abuse. It can be difficult for people to navigate and especially relatively new partners or friends.

Your current issue with your friend might be down to her being busy at the moment. I wouldn't read too much into her being a bit distant.

I'd also say more therapy is needed here, there is a lot to unpack and you might need to get deeper into that

I don't tend to talk about it with anyone and this has been increasingly isolating over the years. I feel as though I'm lying by omission and it stops me getting close to anyone, even friends. Even a firm 'I'd rather not talk about my dating life' doesn't seem to work out.

Therapy has been helpful but I've never been able to transfer what we do there into my real life aside from with this friend. She has been able to give me some practical advice from her own experiences (which therapists cant do) and as someone that knows me it meant a lot to hear that I am worthy of love.

I was starting to think that because of our friendship that maybe one day I would be able to meet somebody but now I feel rejected and unloveable again.

I worry as well about DD. She's a few years away from it but when it comes to dating and relationship advice, I have none.

I think you are also overthinking this quite a bit. I experienced abuse. I also have two family members (who I was once quite close to) who have since been convicted of sexually abusing children (not me, but others in the family). My family is pretty dysfunctional. But it isn't really something I lead with in any of my relationships or friendships. In fact, the only partner I've ever told was dh (and that was about 8 years after we got married). I just truly hadn't thought it would be a useful bit of information for him to have until the situation with these other family members happened and I thought it might explain why I felt so strongly the way I did.

I have talked to one, maybe 2 friends about it, again, only in context when it came up in conversation or they shared a similar experience with me. To be fair, I think I'd be pretty freaked out if a friend took me away for the weekend and wrote me a letter about their sexual abuse and make a big deal of it. Lots of us have experienced the same. I think it's something like 1 in 5 adult women were sexually abused as children. I certainly would want to support a friend who disclosed abuse to me, but I probably wouldn't really think about it too much after that conversation, as it's not that uncommon. Unless the friend brought it up again.

It sounds like though that you could really benefit from some therapy to work through the trauma. I say this as someone who has found a lot of healing in therapy and consciously working through the broken stuff that other people caused in my life. As for your friend, she is probably either just busy or perhaps quite overwhelmed given all that is going on in her life. I know I have some friends who are very intense with lots going on that they need support for, and honestly, there are times when I am dealing with my own stuff, and I just can't even read their messages because I'm exhausted and I have to put me first.

Other people don't owe you understanding of your issues.

Sometimes it slips out in conversation that my mother emotionally abused and neglected me, or that my husband tried to kill me, but I would never plan to discuss those topics with people other than therapists. Friends don't have to take on those issues.

Adjust your expectations and you'll be happier.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through as a young teen, your guidance person treated you horrendously and shouldn't have disclosed anyone. I would agree that you need to return to therapy. There is no obligation on any of us as adults to disclose anything about our past to friends or partners. It is purely our choice. You seem to hold quite black and white thinking about this and I would urge you to take this to therapy. Your friend has her own reasons for changing the relationship, that happens, it isn't about you. But in order to forge healthier, lighter relationships going forward I really think you need support in a therapeutic environment. You are right in that they can't advise you on how to live your life but they can provide you with space to develop emotionally which most of could do with if we are really honest! Good luck!

Yes, stop disclosing. People don’t really want to hear it. It’s distressing for them. Speak to a counsellor though. Best of luck OP.

Thank god things have changed now, I'd expect a teacher to take a disclosure like that extremely seriously. That was just handled in the most horrendous way possible and i'm so sorry for the huge impact that has had on your life.

OP it sounds like you're pinning your self esteem on other people - that makes you incredibly vulnerable. Your friend distancing herself may not have anything to do with you at all, and even if it does it doesn't mean that you are unloveable. She doesn't get to decide your worthiness. It sounds like you became quite emotionally dependent on her - that's something I'd recommend looking at with a counsellor.

You have absolutely no obligation to share anything that has happened to you in the past with friends - that abuse was done to you, it does not define you in any way, shape or form. You are not lying by omission to not bring it up. You are not your abuse, you are a million other wonderful things.

Most people don't get relationship advice from their parents, just be there for your dd and support her, let her know she can always talk to you and she always has somewhere to come back to and that you won't judge her - and that all you want is for her to be happy.

I wouldn't read too much into her being a bit distant

This. I think you're overthinking it. Although that's understandable given your history of people behaving disgustingly on this issue. But there could be so many reasons for her being distant. I've all but lost touch with some close friends recently and it's nothing to do with them, it's all me.

The reason that I have shared it with people in the past is that I am mentally and physically incapable of having relationships. Despite having therapy, I could never enter into a romantic relationship. So it is relevant for me to be able to talk about it.

I don't find the 'I was abused and I got over it' narrative particularly helpful, thanks.

'@StopStartStop 'Other people don't owe you understanding of your issues.'
@AthenaPopodopolous ''Yes, stop disclosing. People don’t really want to hear it. It’s distressing for them.''

I utterly disagree with the above. I could not a monkey if people are 'distressed' by hearing that someone has been abused.

For goodness sake, this is one of the many reasons why abuse can go on undetected or why some people refuse to believe that such things happens. Because people would rather swipe it under the carpet and expect victims never to be able to speak out...

There are many distressing things in life and shutting your ears is not going to make them any less real.

As for the 'other people don't owe you understanding'', again I personally only want to hang out with people who can display a basic level of empathy and interest in others and don't go running off when faced with the harsh reality of life. I am pretty sure that the OP does not expect people to take on the role of a therapist but she is also right to expect to be able to express herself.

Seriously some people need a really good look at how they interact with others...

the above should read 'I could not give a monkey' of course...

This is a big burden for you to carry through life and maybe it has made you extra sensitive.
Do not identify yourself with the label of someone who was abused instead try to identify yourself as a strong survivor.
I know that sounds hard but you have survived and you can be strong. People come and go in our lives and are often busy dealing with their own issues, also there are many women in your situation and you are not alone.
I would not give the abusing bastards the power to make me feel less of myself, I am not making light of your experience at all but you must stand proud and be an example to others who are not as strong as you.
Take extra care for yourself and maybe try more therapy.

@mouseygirl

The reason that I have shared it with people in the past is that I am mentally and physically incapable of having relationships. Despite having therapy, I could never enter into a romantic relationship. So it is relevant for me to be able to talk about it.

I don't find the 'I was abused and I got over it' narrative particularly helpful, thanks.

But you don't just talk about it

From what you've written you made a big 'reveal' to your friend

It didn't just come up as in 'why haven't you tried online dating?' To which id understand a reply of 'I've been abused so not really comfortable dating atm'

A friend once told me about the abuse she suffered as a child. She said it in a casual conversation and didn't go into to any details but it helped me understand her better. She hasn't said anything more as there is really no need for me to know and I guess she doesn't need to tell me. If my friend had put more emphasis when she told me and made an evening about it I'm not sure how I would have dealt with it. It feels like a responsibility to hold this sort of information about someone and to know what to do with it. It's a difficult ask.

I might ask her in a friendly way if she is has been very busy lately or has the information you gave affected your relationship as it is something you worry about. Ask outright and keep it light. Good luck.

[Edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

I'm sorry you've suffered abuse and that people like your teacher were so horrible about it.

I do think you might be overthinking though with regards to your friend. She is probably just busy.

I would find a good therapist with experience in helping adults who have suffered abuse in childhood.

Having a professional to help you work through it will eventually prove more fruitful than relying on friends.

And you mention past therapists didn't give you practical advice? I would find a different one. My therapist gave me great practical advice for working through my concerns and past trauma. It didn't have to be from her own experience to be effective.

Hope you can find the support you need.

@AthenaPopodopolous

Yes, stop disclosing. People don’t really want to hear it. It’s distressing for them. Speak to a counsellor though. Best of luck OP.

You realise it's a hell of a lot more distressing to go through it?

It was distressing when my friend was terminally ill, I didn't cut her out of my life or expect her to never mention it.

If you're a good friend you support your friends through difficult times, even if in a very limited way - ie by not abandoning them.

I'm sorry you've been through so much OP.

But this stood out to me - "now I feel rejected and unloveable again."

I think you're placing far too much pressure/significance on a short friendship of only a couple of years. I'd also say to find a new therapist, one who specialises in life/relationship coaching.

I agree that it's unlikely that your revelation has put her off a friendship with you, she's likely just busy and getting on with life.

Often with my best friends that I love and have known for years can take a few days to reply to a message. People have jobs, kids, houses, dramas, every day chores.

Or maybe the friendship had become more than she can carry and she wants to scale it back to a more casual one. Again, we all need to do that sometimes. She might not be able to give you all that you need, and you shouldn't depend on her to be more than she wants to give.

Do you have other friends/hobbies?

@ElectraBlue You might disagree, but that doesn't make you right. Person 2 does not have to accommodate the suffering of Person 1. That is too much to expect.

I agree with electra blue, it's the least you can do as a decent fellow human

@ElectraBlue @GrolliffetheDragon

100 % agree with you.

OP it's the shame and secrecy surrounding abuse that does a lot of the damage. Talking about it helps so much but you do have to choose carefully who you tell and how much you share with them. I worked through things with my DH to the extent that I didn't have therapy, but in the absence of a partner I can understand it may be a bit much for a friend to cope with - I was an emotional wreck when I first faced up to it.

Like pps I would therefore recommend therapy. But in the meantime I would heartily recommend having a look at the Havoca website which stands for Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. It has lots of helpful information including how to process your feelings, and about choosing to tell people, and also a very helpful forum of people in your position who understand what you're going through. It helped me a lot.

I honestly think your friend probably just has other stuff going on in her life atm.

Good luck OP xx

The problem is being unable to share it for fear of overburdening people intensifies the feelings of guilt and shame.

OP, I feel similarly about things I have shared.
I 'know' those who know don't think less of me, I know it's not appropriate to talk about it every time we meet, yet it becomes an great 'unsaid' in my mind, because it's never mentioned again.

Would it help to remember that almost as many women have been sexually assaulted as haven't? It's not so much a dirty secret as a shocking norm.

I'm not diminishing your experiences- they've clearly impacted you profoundly, made worse by the appalling behaviour of the teacher. You aren't alone though- even people who 'look' as though everything is fine are carrying similar burdens.

In the nicest way possible, your disclosure didn't come up naturally. Why did you feel the need to explain that part of your life like that when she didn't ask? It's the kind of thing you would do for therapy. Had the conversation evolved over a glass of wine or something naturally that may have been better. Whilst she was initially supportive to your disclosure, it possibly blindsided her a little. You may also be reading too much into it, people have busy lives.

A few years ago a colleague who I socialised a little with disclosed to me her history of childhood abuse. I didn't ask, and she wouldn't stop talking. What this colleague to this day doesn't know was I too suffered abuse and frankly found her unwanted disclosure a bit triggering. Again, in the nicest way possible OP, you don't know if this has happened to your friend to.

How the teacher reacted was terrible - that's awful. Not only did she break confidence but she was completely unprofessional and what a vile thing to say as well.

How much detail did you tell your friend? I had a friend tell me some stuff and it was quite graphic, I struggled with hearing it. As someone else has talked about above, you don't know if they have their own issues or if it brought up stuff for them.

I hope you find a way to get your friendship back on track. Good luck.