To feel jealous of how much DC loves other family members?

[NC223344]

Two DC.
I’ve started feeling incredibly jealous of other family members who help us look after them because I can see how ecstatic the DC are when they arrive/we arrive at theirs.

But.. those other family members don’t have to do the daily monotony of parenthood. They don’t have to fight twice a day to clean teeth, they don’t have to fight at every meal to get something they will eat. They don’t battle every sock and shoe application. They don’t have to try and stop toddlers flapping around like a caught salmon covered in shit twice or more a day. They don’t have to keep them occupied whilst we do a load of washing drying and folding… everyday damn day. They sleep well most nights, we haven’t slept longer than 2 continuous hours at night since 2019.
I’m exhausted and ratty. I’m tired of being the one who does all the stuff to keep them alive safe and well but then other family members get all the excited looks because they see them for a few hours once a week and give them all the treats we won’t allow as everyday food. They devote the whole time to them and the DC love it.

Why am I jealous, I don’t know, aibu to be jealous? I want them to be excited to see me like that, they don’t though. I feel like pillowcase.. boring and unthankable but couldn’t live without it.

Gently: please stop fighting your dc. It's only natural they'll love family members and getting showered with love and attention, it's fairly normal. Be happy for them that they can have this relationship with family member. You sound like you are struggling, please try and access help as it shouldn't be this miserable. Homestart might be able to help, speak to your GO in any case.

They don’t have to try and stop toddlers flapping around like a caught salmon covered in shit twice or more a day.
That's sound extreme, what are you stopping your toddlers from and how are you doing this?

It's just something new happening when relatives visit. I'm sure the DC love you even more. I know my dgs gets excited when I visit, or pick him up from school (he races across the playground and throws his arms round me), or when he comes to stay. But it's just a change to routine, that's all.

That's sound extreme, what are you stopping your toddlers from and how are you doing this?

It’s just nappy change time. They just two at and turn and kick.. I tried to add comedy to the palaver that it is.

Two at = twist

Did these same family members care for you, or your child's father, in the daily monotony of parenthood by any chance?

How can I get them dressed if I don’t wrestle with them? They can’t be cold/have no socks on or whatever..

Men, my kids love my parents cos they let them play Nintendo for four hours solid, eat their body weight in sweets and have four puddings.

I keep telling myself they will appreciate me as a parent once they've grown up and had their own. Because TBH I didn't really fully appreciate my own parents until I was an adult.

OP, you know this means you’re doing your job as their mum exactly right, don’t you?! This is a good thing!

If they help with childcare so much, can they not do the occasional overnight sometimes to help?

Ah I hear you OP

The daily slog is enormous

Ofc others get Disney version of your DCs, not you. Your DCs will one day Thank you. Or rob you. I don't know which

Nah I'm just joking. But you aren't alone. Try not to fight with them over things that don't matter , find a good memory for each day by the end of the day (it's never too late to turn around a fractious day, even if it's a "when we saw the butterfly" and take deep breaths
"Let's do this.. if we get shoes and coats on quickly we can do x y z"

I have no answers but survived my 3DCs. I wish you the best of luck !!! Parenting isn't easy and no quick answers here. Read books of you can. Look at positive parenting stuff (even if it's to say bollox to that rubbish when you hide under the duvet on the really bad days)

I think as other parents all we can do is say to you will be better and worse days... sunshine and showers... and you are doing a great job!!

Take a deep breath OP. Rearing small kids is relentless. Other people at a novelty.

Don’t worry, they love you the most, but tiny kids (or teenagers for that matter) don’t always show it.

You sound shattered and ground down, and I think that’s normal. I’m only a first time mum to one who is 18 months and so take what I say with a pinch of salt, but try to see what a good thing it is that your kids have loving relationships with other family members. I guarantee they still love you the most, you’re their world, that’s why they feel safe testing the boundaries so much with you.

I know the feeling when nappy changes/ getting dressed/ mealtimes/ bedtimes/ everything is a battle, and I know how much lack of sleep confounds it. And I know it’s not always as simple as this, but maybe try really focusing on picking your battles a bit, so not everything is so fraught. Can you make getting dressed into a game? Give them some control so let them choose what they wear or what order they put things on or whatever. Drop the other stuff once in a while and just give the DC your undivided attention to do something fun the same way these other family members are able to - even if it’s just 15 minutes a day. Remind yourself how much fun they have with you too, and how much they love you, which they do.

My parents are dead and it really, really matters to me that DD has some close bonds with other family members (partly because she’s likely to remain an only). So I really put the effort in despite her other grandparents being slightly lukewarm in their response to her for a long time (getting better) and making the effort to visit my siblings, cousins etc. It’s honestly so good for them to have these other people who love them and yes maybe even do things a little differently. As a kid my nana was the best and most exciting person in the world, I’d literally count the days till I saw her again. I thought she was magical. I wish DD had someone around like that. But it didn’t affect how much I loved my mum.

My DS is 2 and exactly the same. He asks to see nana and grandad Every. Single. Day. He gets to play with different toys, watch Cocomelon on granddad's tablet and yup, eat a load of junk.

Like you, I find the mundane parts of parenting relentless at times.

But you know what? Today he is ill and from the moment he woke up all he has wanted is me. Nana and grandad not mentioned once.

Try not to be jealous. So many people love your DC and that love is returned. That's something to be grateful for. Maybe see whether you can get some help with the mundane bits so you have more energy for the fun stuff.

try to see what a good thing it is that your kids have loving relationships with other family members

I do, it’s beautiful that they help us and are so lovey and do lovely things with them. I suppose im questioning my jealous feelings towards the relationship rather than the relationship itself.

I’m jealous of the time they can devote to doing fun stuff.

Yeah we do try making games out of things, then yesterday I caught myself saying ‘urgh, can you just let one thing be easy for me today’ as they wiggled their legs as I tried to put socks on so we could go to the park. I’m bored of making games out of things tbh, it’s been years.

The Disney comment really helped, thank you.

Thank you all for your advice

Do the relatives take them out and give you a rest? Could they have them overnight for you. That means they take the responsibility off you for once?

It sounds like you need a break.

Fwiw my kids do not take well to their grandparents, they cling to me and misbehave and it's really hard having them round. It's makes it awkward and makes me look like a terrible parent. It also means grandparents have never looked after them alone. I feel jealous of those with involved grandparents that can give parents a break.

Please don’t worry. At this age your DC just see you as an extension of themselves. They will be no more excited to see you then they would be to see their own hands. You are the most constant, reliable thing in their lives.