Abusive ex husband alienated my child

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I left my abusive ex, under police protection in 1st lockdown with DS 14. Now DS 16 is fully alienated by Ex husband who has my child, my home my pets and fleecing me for child maintenance. Any lawyer I speak to says its too late for custody application. I stayed in the marriage to save my son and now he screams vitriol at me and repeats his dads lies. Feel like my whole life was for nothing.

You must feel horrible, honestly I really feel for you. It’s far too easy to manipulate children and sometimes I don’t think it does any good trying to shield them from knowing about the other parents abusing behaviour although at the time you feel like it’s for them, because they don’t see it coming when the parent does this to them. I hope your son wises up to it one day.

Thank you, he has scared a lot of my good friends away by threats and I honestly think that its a clear sign that if a woman leaves her home then there is a good reason why, not all of us can safely remove our abusers. The loss of my son is a daily grief. I cant help him, care for him, comfort him. I am reduced to financial provider from a distance.

How awful, I'm sorry. If I understand correctly, you have 2 sons? Or one who is now 16?

If you took him with you why did he go back to his dad?

I am so so sorry. I have no advice, but hope that this post is a wake up call for anyone thinking staying in an abusive marriage is for the sake of their children.

You're absolutely right that it is no easy thing to kick out an abuser. No-one would leave their home for an uncertain future without very good reasons - I know as I did.

It is clear that if the police took you out of your home and away from the exh that there is something very bad going on. Anyone who can not see that is not a friend of yours. These "friends" must have been a bit dense not to have noticed what a bad situation you were in.
I have seen DC being turned against mothers by useless fathers. More fool the children to believe these lies. One thing the DC have to think about is that they will very likely be the next person the obnoxious father will turn on. I know that coercive abuse and lies will be involved and your DC is 16 so not yet an adult but older adult DC should be more aware.
Coercive abuse is now a crime and should be dealt with as such.

Thank you, my only son is now 16. I left when he was 14. I didnt know what to do, itvwas lockdown, everything closed including solicitors. I shared him with his father as foolishly thought it was the right and moral thing to do. Moved into late parents delapidated house as didnt want to take my ex's home away and make him a desperate man. Unfortunately I have lost everything anyway.

Sending you hugs, I can see my DS living full time with his Dad in the future too - he thinks the world of him, I hope yours sees the light soon and you get to have a relationship again.

@breakfastbar

I left my abusive ex, under police protection in 1st lockdown with DS 14. Now DS 16 is fully alienated by Ex husband who has my child, my home my pets and fleecing me for child maintenance. Any lawyer I speak to says its too late for custody application. I stayed in the marriage to save my son and now he screams vitriol at me and repeats his dads lies. Feel like my whole life was for nothing.

Time is a healer. I imagine if you are and have been a good and loving mother that he will stop the vitriol and you will get that mother /son relationship back. Is ge your only child?

If you’re married then half that house is yours. Have you seen a solicitor?

And if you’re paying child maintenance then you should be getting 50% access. Have you applied for a court order for access? Don’t just accept these circumstances.

Just wanted to send hugs, OP. And a bit of hope. A similar thing happened with a friend of mine and her abusive ex. Her daughter was all about her father and believed his nasty lies until one day she wised up. Not sure what age but she did get it. Hang in there 💐

Maintenance has nothing to do with access.. What a strange comment. You don't buy time with your child, that's literally the opposite of how it works. OP, I have no real advice but I hope you do get some help. A 16 yos grow up a lot in the next couple of years. Hopefully he'll come round but please don't despair. You are still you and worth something. You got out, that's amazing.

He’s 16, not 6. Pps suggesting OP take her ex to court are forgetting she’s been advised that this is pointless given her son’s age.
OP, ignore the lies your son is repeating. Acknowledge just that it’s not true/not the whole story once each time he brings it up then change the subject. So son says ´the divorce is your fault’ you say, ´I needed to be safe and happy. How was chemistry this week?´ Son says ´ you left because you were having an affair’. You say ´ that’s not what happened. Are you going to prom?’ Son says ´you should have stayed with dad, he didn’t do anything wrong’ You say ´there are things that happened in the relationship that I had with your dad that you don’t know about because it’s not appropriate to discuss them with you. I wasn’t safe and I wasn’t happy so I left. Do you want to go out for pizza when I see you on Thursday?’
You want to keep some normal teen/parent stuff going so that when he eventually sorts out the mess of divided loyalties, teen hormones and identity crises in his head, you were there all along asking about school and uni/training and friends. He’ll probably come back to you once he’s moved out of his dad’s house and had some time to be independent.