AIBU to think this is not normal?

[unluckyinlife]

I will try and explain as much as I can for context.

I am a young mum (under 25) and have 2 DC aged 4 and 3. I am married and work full time.

Monday to Friday I do the school run, work, do the school run again and after housework and dinner etc the kids go to bed at 6.30pm. I do absolutely nothing on these days apart from sit on my phone doing nothing interesting, spend all evening staring at the TV bored or preparing lunches etc for tomorrow.

I tried to start taking my son weekly to swimming lessons after school one day but found this too stressful so me and DH alternate taking him to a lesson every weekend.

I seem to be unwilling/unable to leave the house on weekdays aside from for school runs. No socialising seeing family etc.

When it comes to the weekend I don't go out as I say it's my time to spend with the kids and DH and feel like seeing friends going out is wasting my 'relaxing' time at home. (All I do is play with kids)

I've even started letting DC4 stay up late on weekends so I'm not bored and 'alone' all evening.

For context DH is at home about 1 hour after me on week days and all weekends but spends majority of his time doing his hobby.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be or feel like this? Is this normal? How do I fix it?!

I've just signed up to the gym starting next month so I can go swimming and gym in the evenings and weekends when DC are sleeping but I have a massive fear I won't go.

I want to start doing more with my DC as I feel like an awful parent. I can drive and have my own car but only feel comfortable doing familiar journeys. I have been driving 2 years but was the victim of a hit and run late last year and this has really made me nervous in the car.

I have suffered with anxiety and depression in the past and believe this is under control however I had Covid this past week and felt relieved I couldn't leave the house so obviously am experiencing some sort of anxiety.

DH knows something is up but I don't even know whats wrong so how can I tell him!

Please help me get out of this hole..

Are you being treated for your depression?

Your life seems to be consumed with your children, and whether that's by choice or due to having a useless partner is an issue.

@aristotlesdeathray I'm not currently on medication or having therapy. I came off medication probably about a year or so ago after being weaned off by Dr. I was taking Paroxetine which I believe was treating my anxiety. Once that was controlled by depression seemed to become manageable.

My life does revolve around them admittedly. I was so depressed prior to my children and they give me so much happiness. I'm so grateful for them.

My husband is admittedly pretty laidback but probably as I do most things before he gets a chance. He cooks one day a week and helps me hang washing and tidy but whether he'd think to do any of that otherwise I don't know. He does help with the weekend deep clean and does generally try and be helpful sometimes. Other times he can be like a 3rd child.

He finds parenting stressful, I think our unexpected pregnancy with our 2nd child affected him quite significantly. He adores her but he finds having two extremely hard.

I think I've lost my identity outside of my kids.

Gym and swim in the evenings will be fantastic for you. Really try to motivate yourself to go.

Is the gym a comfortable/familiar distance for you to drive without the added stress of that ?

Get some gym clothes. A new water bottle. Watch motivational videos when you're sitting around.

Set alarms in your phone to remind you to pack for gym, go to gym etc.

Make a little plan as to what days you will do what.
Will you swim every time you go or will you alternative between that and the gym. Think about what youd really like to do with your evenings.

You may spot a nice cafe or pub where you stop sometimes for a cuppa on the way home or a quick bite if you dont have dinner.

Your husband could do a little more and perhaps have dinner ready for you some evenings so you can come home and eat.

Make sure this is pleasant for you. You need and deserve some time.

Alternate* ..not alternative

He finds parenting stressful, I think our unexpected pregnancy with our 2nd child affected him quite significantly. He adores her but he finds having two extremely hard.

For context DH is at home about 1 hour after me on week days and all weekends but spends majority of his time doing his hobby

Hard to feel too much sympathy for him here, he must get on with things.
Less time on hobby more time parenting and dealing with life.

This is a partnership.

You both must benefit but do 50% of the work.

No wonder you feel unmotivated to do anything else.

you're working full time and have two small children - you're already overloaded. You're doing incredibly!

My life sounds like that and i dont suffer from anxiety. Its just super hard having young children and working! If they.go to bed at 1830 id really try and go to the gym. Mine are not in bed toll after 8 and there is no way im going out then!

OP you are a mum of 2, work full time, seemingly do all the childcare and housework (and probably the full mental load as well) give yourself a break! I don't do much on the evenings, neither do many of my friends who have small children. Don't beat yourself up.

Try and go to the gym and swimming, but don't attempt to go every night, just aim for one or two and build up slowly. Can you see your friends one night at the weekend? You'll feel so much better when you get active!

Sounds normal to me, but then I admit I'm 45 and my life totally revolves around doing stuff for other people. I suffer from depression too.

You are doing well and it actually sounds normal to me. I've got four kids and I'm at the school 3 times a day ( youngest leaves midday), so my day revolves around that. The rest of the time I'm doing stuff round the house/ going the shops/ walking the dog. I have very little time to be doing much else because my time is limited. And you also work which is another thing on top of all that. I can relate to the anxiety because I also have that. I find the fear of things worse than the reality and I always feel OK once I'm out doing something rather than thinking about it.

@Notimeforaname Yes luckily. The gym and pool is in the same place I drive my son for swimming lessons so a comfortable distance for me. I'm looking forward to some me time. I am hoping to go swimming with my DC on Sundays as our family time too x

@Notimeforaname

Get some gym clothes. A new water bottle. Watch motivational videos when you're sitting around.

Set alarms in your phone to remind you to pack for gym, go to gym etc.

Make a little plan as to what days you will do what.
Will you swim every time you go or will you alternative between that and the gym. Think about what youd really like to do with your evenings.

You may spot a nice cafe or pub where you stop sometimes for a cuppa on the way home or a quick bite if you dont have dinner.

Your husband could do a little more and perhaps have dinner ready for you some evenings so you can come home and eat.

Make sure this is pleasant for you. You need and deserve some time.

Thank you. This has been really helpful. I think I'm going to write out a plan and buy myself some water bottle and trainers so cheer myself up x

Thank you xx

All your messages have made me feel less like I'm failing at everything. Thank you for all of them. I think I put of pressure and anxiety on to myself and by telling me that I'm not alone and that I need to give me some time really helped me think about things.

The kids are in bed, I got things ready for tomorrow whilst they were awake with the help of DH today. We enjoyed a lovely storytime at bedtime. I am now downstairs with my dogs a book and my favourite candle burning.

I am trying to be kinder and accept that I'm doing my best.

I brought myself a new waterbottle for the gym as suggested and also a new hot water bottle for the nights I feel like all I can manage is cuddling up with the dogs on the sofa.

Here's to everyone just trying to do their best. xx

Hi unluckyinlife Thought of you and just wanted to see how you were! Have you been to the gym? How have you found it ?

Nice to see you are paying more attention to yourself!

@Notimeforaname

Hi unluckyinlife Thought of you and just wanted to see how you were! Have you been to the gym? How have you found it ?

Nice to see you are paying more attention to yourself!

Hello,

I went today for the 1st time!

My best friend of 12 years has also joined the same gym as me and encouraged me to go today.

We decided to go for a coffee after and then we visited to a busy supermarket (Which previously I would have avoided driving to) and visited my mum. I honestly felt really light and free. When I come back it was only DC2 and DH home so I cooked dinner and spent some time with my youngest. It was such a peaceful day.

I'm hoping this continues. I have quite a busy week with family birthdays and school commitments for DC so I'm hoping I can stay feeling postive.

Thank you for checking in with me, it has really made me smile that you thought about how I was doing. xx