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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What are your thoughts on this? Involves guests and bringing gifts

56 replies

dingdongmerrilyonFLIER · 28/12/2007 16:32

Just wondered what is "normal"..........
If you were guests over christmas for 4 nights, would you bring gifts apart from christmas gifts, ie wine, chocolates, biscuits or flowers? or at least offer to take your hosts out for lunch or dinner or even just a bloody coffee?

In laws stayed with us and brought absolutely nothing and I actually think that it was really, really rude of them, or am I the rude one?

Anytime we have stayed with family, no matter the time of year we at least bring wine, but usually also flowers or chocolates and usuallu offer to the hosts out for dinner or lunch.

OP posts:

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 10:03

Even if only going to my Mums for the day I always take her some flowers. BTW she lives 140 miles away so it is a special occasion. But If I stayed with someone for a few days I would always take them out for a meal or offer to make them something special at home, and then a bunch of flowers/ box of chocs as a thank you on leaving. Plus obviously helping with the washing up, hoovering etc.

MariNativityPlay · 29/12/2007 10:12

I agree with the OP on balance, I would certainly take something extra if staying with family or friends for that time, or if carrying stuff was an issue (eg flying), insist on doing a treats shop, or treating for lunch, while there.
If all else failed (hosts got argumentative for example) I'd send stonking flowers afterwards
I think families do vary tremendously though. My parents would think like this, my MIL might not, although even she would bring a little something for a stay of this length.

beeper · 29/12/2007 10:28

Sure you not just greedy for presents....did they not bring you any xmas prezzies either.

They are family after all.

Triggles · 29/12/2007 11:57

We went to stay with DH's family for a couple days before Christmas, and we brought wine, some food, and Christmas cake, along with the gifts we were bringing. We also tried to be as helpful as possible (making tea/coffee, helping with washing up and cleaning up, especially after kids if they messed anything up) while we were there. But I wouldn't expect someone else to bring stuff when they came to visit, as some people simply don't think of it. DH's family always does, but then I think it's something their parents did as well as my own. So we grew up with that idea.

pinetreedog · 29/12/2007 12:00

I wouldn't expect anything

Hekate · 29/12/2007 12:05

Have to say, I'm the opposite. When I invite someone, it's because I want their company and I want to spoil them! I love to cook and enjoy them having a good time - which is my selfishness, tbh, I do it because it makes ME feel good.

I don't expect (or want) them to bring me anything, and I would feel awful if I thought they felt like they had to.

But, otoh, I don't have to suffer folks in my house who I'd rather weren't there, so that might make all the difference! (I'm far too selfish to entertain anyone I don't love to bits, just cos it's 'expected'!! )

discoverlife · 29/12/2007 12:54

I think what dingdong etc. is getting at is the lack of reciprocation from the IL's. When she goes to their home she takes choc/flowers or offers to take them for a meal, they did'nt have the decency to do the same in return.

Triggles · 29/12/2007 13:29

Well, yes, I suppose so, but I don't bring wine/flowers (or whatever) along when I go to visit or stay with someone with the express idea that they are expected specifically to reciprocate. That's not really the idea behind a gift, is it?

fullofchocolatemoonfiend · 29/12/2007 13:35

My sister insisted that we bring nothing to contribute to christmas which she was hosting. Even alcohol, as they go to france 5 times a year and have a cellar full. But I can't bring nothing, I just cannot. So i made a little hamper with mulled wine, chocs, cheeses, candles, crackers etc.
And I prepped all the veg for her (for 14 people!). My brother did nowt and brought nowt and even insisted that his new girlfriend (whom none of us had met before) joined us on xmas day evening.Which my sister was none too chuffed about...

SSStollenzeit · 29/12/2007 13:43

ahhh brothers.............. ARGHH. Mine is scrooge reincarnated.

Well, no I wouldn't expect family to bring any kind of gift for staying really. Sort of depends on how generous they are when you visit them though. If it's all take, I wouldn't find it great. My brother for instance never offers to pay for a thing if he visits, wouldn't occur to him ever to bring a gift or lift a finger when he's here - neither would it occur to him to do much for you if you visit him. That does get my goat.

However if your ILs are generous hosts , I think I would just not worry about it too much. Sure they didn't mean any harm or intend to offend.

VictorianSqualor · 29/12/2007 13:47

We went to PIL for breakfast and took their presents and some bucks fizz for breakfast (most were drivin and I am pregnant or we would've taken champers) I also squeezed into the kitchen and washed up though MIL kept telling me to go sit down, I wouldn't have offered to take them out for dinner though, they're family, that's why we went.
Although we only went for breakfast, if we'd been staying there for 4 days I would've offered something.

fleacircus · 29/12/2007 14:11

My parents host Christmas for the family (my B & SIL and my S, plus me and DP) every other year and we normally arrange with them beforehand to bring part of the meal. I usually make the pudding and a baked ham and we also bring the cheeses and lots of wine. Partly because we don't want them to bear the whole financial burden and also because we're weirdly obsessed with food. DP will also usually do a lot of the cooking as my mum tends to get in a bit of a flap and finds his presence in the kitchen reassuring! B&SIL and S just bring Christmas presents and perhaps a bottle of wine but that's a whole different thread...

mumeeee · 29/12/2007 14:19

It's good if your guests do bring you something but you should not expect them to.

Sidge · 29/12/2007 14:27

No, I wouldn't expect my family to bring anything (unless I had specifically asked them to). Surely the point of asking people to yours is that you are the hostess and so the provider of stuff?

Bit different with friends, I would hope they would bring a bottle or something.

I would rather they pitched in and played/helped with the children, washed up etc.

alicet · 29/12/2007 14:31

Only read op...

No YANBU - I would never arrive without wine as a minimum or at least a promise to go and get some while we were there!

We had both mine and dh's parents over Christmas - both offered to bring stuff. So I asked mine for a starter and a gammon (which we have for brekfast on crimble am) and dh's brought desert and dinner for boxing day. Plus lots of wine each. If they haven't offered I would have asked for the same not least because I have a toddler and a 3 month old baby! Plus both helped loads around the house and with the boys.

I would have been fuming if I was you!!!

tiredemma · 29/12/2007 14:35

we always take alcohol ( and end up drinking most of it!)

Original poster

dingdongmerrilyonFLIER · 29/12/2007 15:35

thanks again everyone. V. interesting to hear how different everyone is. The way I was brought up was, if you're invited to someone's house for dinner or whatever then you take something with you, like a bottle of wine or some flowers to say thankyou for having us and to show your appreciation to the cook/host.

monkeymagic hit the nail on the head,
"The people who are fun to have around, play with the kids, offer to wash up or even babysit, I feel like they've contributed plenty. It's the ones who feel like they're a drain on your lifeforce that you tend to notice this sort of stuff"

I guess dh and I feel that they were quite a "drain on our lifeforce". They didn't help out and are not fun to have around, which is really sad

and hekate, too, has got the jist of my post, "But, otoh, I don't have to suffer folks in my house who I'd rather weren't there, so that might make all the difference! (I'm far too selfish to entertain anyone I don't love to bits, just cos it's 'expected'!! ) "

thanks everyone!

OP posts:

mm22bys · 29/12/2007 15:55

When we stay with my parents or PIL I buy mum and MIL flowers, and some form of alcohol for Dad and FIL.

We normally stay for about a week at each place, and so we "help out" with groceries etc.

When people stay with us, I wouldn't "expect" parents / PIL to "pay", but it would be nice...

PIL are tricky, if it were your parents who were staying, would they "pay"?

mm22bys · 29/12/2007 15:57

I meant to say too that just having mum here for five weeks early in the year was fantastic, she was great with the two DSs, and her helping out with them was "payment" enough, and made her really happy too!

Original poster

dingdongmerrilyonFLIER · 31/12/2007 08:46

I'm not looking for "payment" in return for them staying, I'm looking for recognition of the expense and effort and discomfort (in the form of dd having to sleep in with us. I doesn't help that teh inlaws aresn't the easiest of people to get on with. In addition to this, any time we stay with them, we always take something with us, usually wine for the meal and chocolates for the hostess.

I wanted to know what was "normal" for other families - what is "normal" for me is to take at least a bottle of wine and chocolates and/or flowers to show appreciation to the hosts.

It seems that the consensus is that most people would normally take soemthing with them if invited for a meal/or to stay.

OP posts:

helenhismadwife · 01/01/2008 21:38

over the christmas we stayed 4 days at inlaws, had christmas meal at dh uncle, stayed one night at dh grandparents and 3 nights at my mums. We paid for a takeaway at inlaws and my mums and I have sent flowers to everyone to say thank you, because we feel it is a lot of work to have 4 people to stay, and to have stayed in a hotel every night would have cost us an absolute fortune.

lulumama · 01/01/2008 21:42

it is not payment, but recognition of effort.. which should not be taken for granted, just becasue it is family

my sister and her family stayed with us Xmas day, and bought chocs, wine, posh biscuits and nougat

we had friends stay last night, who bought a present for my DCs, wine, chocs and helped with the tidying up after the party

it was lovely, and made me feel so appreciated

having house guests is work, and it is lovely to have that acknowleged

we would take similar if staying overnight somewhere, if just for the day/ evening, would take wine , flowers , chocs etc

helenhismadwife · 01/01/2008 21:51

I dont feel I am 'paying' I hope it shows how much we all appreciated everything

Beetootoyourself · 01/01/2008 21:54

Not read any other messages

of course you bring stuff -

My aunt and uncle bought

12 bottles wine
Smoked salmon
loads fruit
and as a present

a fab coffee maker as well as stuff for thekids and bits for us.

Totally wonderful

Beetootoyourself · 01/01/2008 21:55

it is good old fashioned manners

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