Name changed. Long term poster
Just over 13 years ago, my partner at the time was arrested for sex offences. It was Christmas Eve and I was making gingerbread with my young DC and there was a knock at the door. I knew it wasn't ExP because he was at work and because he'd recently moved in with his parents due to repeated infidelity on his part and me needing to get my head straight over it all. So I had no idea who it was going to be, but their knock was very hard and very urgent. I remember feeling uneasy before I even opened the door.
There was a man standing there with a woman, both in suits. I assumed debt collectors. My ex had a habit of running up credit card debt and "forgetting." I was immediately on edge and annoyed because I'd literally just managed to get away from his gaslighting and abuse after years of trying to get some space to actually clear my head and suddenly here were his problems on my doorstep, right on top of Christmas, when I'd insisted I wanted a trouble free and quiet Xmas with just my babies.
The man said my name. He asked if I knew where ExP was. I gave his parents address and said he was living there. They asked if he was in my house at that moment. I said no, he'll be at work and went to close the door. That's when they said who they were, flashed the badges and asked if they could come in. It was really not an ask. They came in and asked if we could talk away from the children. I said I needed to supervise them, we were baking. They asked if I'd mind putting something on the telly for the kids to watch and then coming back to the baking after we had a chat.
Then they started asking me if i had ever felt concerns with regards to my ExP and the children. I was really honest and said he was a rubbish dad, that's why I had to leave my job because he wasn't caring for them during my work hours. I'd come home and he'd given them nothing but biscuits all day long and not got them dressed or done their teeth or even changed their pull ups. That sort of thing. He asked if I felt he'd had inappropriate relationships with anyone at all. I said about the cheating. They asked about anyone under sixteen. I was really freaked out by this point and asked why, what had happened and they said they couldn't tell me anything at all, I just needed to answer the questions. They asked me about our sex life, if he was violent etc. It was one of the most horrible hours. They left and said they were going to his place of work. Then they phoned me- I didn't even give them my number- and said "we've got him, he's confessed everything, we've got to interview and bail him and then we'll be in touch again."
Still telling me nothing! But at 1am on Christmas morning he phoned me from the police station to say he'd been bailed and had been arrested and would be getting charged on a historical case for having "consensual sex with a 12 year old."
Obviously that's not what he was ultimately charged with, it was rape, sexual assault etc. He went to prison and so he damn well should have. He had no further contact with the Dc and they were young enough to forget all about him. I met my husband two years later and he's raised all DC like his own. But I never saw that coming with my ex. Not that. I had no single hint of it. He was older than me and the offending took place before we were together, but he was around the parents of that child. I had dinner with them all. I laughed and joked with them and I never knew. He broke so many people by what he did. He even had his solicitor subpoena me so I had to testify in court that I'd never suspected anything at all. God knows why- he admitted it!! I would have thought that did nothing except prove how sneaky he was. But the gallery was packed with the family of the victim. I felt so ashamed that all these people thought I was a blind idiot and tainted by him. I had to move after that and I changed the DCs surnames.
But for 13 years now, my heart has pounded at the sound of a hard knock on the door. We had a traffic incident outside our house recently and officers came to the door and I almost had a panic attack over it. The DC have no clue what their biological father did and I've carried that secret for over a decade so it wouldn't shape who they thought they were or damage their experiences at school if it were to become known. If anyone so much as asks about their father, I feel my chest get tight and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. I feel sick when I pass the crown court. Every time something happens that I can't instantly explain, I imagine the worst possible scenario and how I would pull everyone's lives together and limit damage to them.
It didn't happen to me. I wasn't the criminal. I wasn't the victim. I wasn't on trial. AIBR and this is a trauma response and I should seek some
help or AIBU and this is just pathetic and I need to pull myself together?