MIL not treating myself and other half’s like family.

[CharWill02]

Would you be offended if your MIL asked to take her own (adult, married) children on holiday and pay, and not invite other half’s or her grandchildren?

This isn’t the first time, once I was ‘allowed’ to come but would have to pay for myself! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to have holidays paid for me, but when everyone else is paid for, you wonder why you aren’t right?
My family have always included my husband in everything, let us live with them for 18 months rent free. We’ve all been on holiday together and either my parents have covered all flights, or we’ve all paid for ourselves.

MIL never does much for anyone, has looked after our children twice, (one is 3 and one is 1); never visits either.. but when she does occasionally see us, she spends the whole time moaning about how I raise the children; doesn’t think I’m hard enough on them etc.. it’s exhausting and as you can tell I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with her anyway :-).. but how do I deal with things like this?

She always tells me she’s upfront and if I have a problem just to tell her, I told her once when she upset me, she then phoned my husband crying and said I’d made her cry and feel terrible…!

I’d be a bit offended but since I wouldn’t wish to go on holiday with her anyway, I’d let my OH go since he is entitled to have time with her. Maybe just be grateful that she doesn’t expect you to go! 😀

She doesn't appear to like you and you don't appear to like her so it makes perfect sense not to treat you to a holiday.

The real problem here is how your DH reacts to you and the kids not being invited and whether he accepts his mum's offer and leaves you all behind?

I think it's fine for a parent to go on holiday with their adult children, if all parties are amenable to this. I don't think they have to invite, much less pay for, all their children's partners and children as well.

Parents are also not obliged to help out with their grandchildren. And twice in 3 years (especially as much of that was during Covid restrictions) is not nothing.

The only part I would have an issue with is the moaning at you, about how you are raising the children. But, ironically, that probably is treating you as family, as she'd probably be more polite to a stranger.

She is what she is. What does your DH think?

Because he is the one that allows her behaviour to have any affect on you.

I’d be grateful she doesn’t want you to go as well. Some people are just not who we would like them to be. When the children are older maybe dh could take 5hem with him. Free time for you!

I wouldn't allow this woman in my life at all, so her and her holiday could get to fuck.

Thankfully my ILs are both nice, considerate people. If they weren't and they tried to arrange something like this I'm confident DH would decline the invitation.

Why has your DH not done something or said something to his mother about the way she treats you and your children? Something like "Mum, why is X going on this holiday without paying but you expect my wife to pay to go on the same holiday?" or "Mum, this isn't really on now is it? You can't keep doing this. You either have to invite all of the family, including grandchildren and spouses or none of us. What's it to be?"
Why doesn't he stand up to her "Mum, I can't have you continually ignoring my wife and my kids. If you don't want to see them that's fine, but you won't be seeing me either as a result", and actually mean it?

A weekend away, fine. 2 weeks, (or even 1 week for that matter) abroad while I'd be stuck at home with the kids, no way would I be happy with that.

@Temese

A weekend away, fine. 2 weeks, (or even 1 week for that matter) abroad while I'd be stuck at home with the kids, no way would I be happy with that.

This.

My DH and his brother have taken MIL away for weekends before and I & SIL don’t go. Suits me fine.
But 2 weeks or so would be cheeky.

I voted YABU because I think you're unreasonable to let someone who has no need to be in your life get to you like this on an ongoing basis. From your description she appears to have been like this for a long time and, despite you telling her when her behaviour upsets you, she does nothing to change it. Just have nothing to do with her and don't give her another thought. It's shit your DH doesn't stand up to you, but that's another issue. I'd make sure your DH knows it's unacceptable for his mother to disparage you in front of the children, but that's all you can do.

Sorry, that should say your DH should stand up FOR you, not to you.

You clearly don't like her, so why would you want to go on holiday with her?

The way I read it is that she's offering to take her DD and DS on holiday with her and pay. She doesn't want (or can't afford) you, her DDs partner or the kids. That's fine and up to her. Up to them if they want to go on a free holiday with their Mum.

The fact that your parents can afford to pay for you all to go on holiday with them is irrelevant.

I'm always a little surprised by grown ups who expect parents to still keep paying out for them anyway as though they were entitled to it. You are married with children. At what point do your parents NOT have to keep forking out money? There's no way I'd pay for my adult children and their partners to come on holiday with us - I can't afford it. Similarly I don't expect my elderly parents to pay for me and DH to go away with them.

Shes allowed invite her kids on holiday alone, she doesnt have to invite you. She sounds like a hands off nana and kids aren't on her holiday list which again is allowed and fine. You have different types of families, that's life.

Pointing out parenting skills, ignore or tell her you don't agree.

As a PP said, expecting parents to pay is definitely not something I would want nor accept for a holiday, I'd pay my own way anyway.

I think the holiday situation is fine, it's up to your DH if he wants to go and it works for you as well, there's nothing wrong with MIL inviting him though.

I dont think it sounds that bad, although id have hoped theyd take the grandchildren sometimes

This is my MIL.
She once glowingly announced at our marriage that "now she had a daughter" and I laughed in her face because she couldn't make it any clearer I am not family. I am other.

I let my DH deal with it and the only time I really intervene will be to highlight his choices have consequences.
If she invited him on a holiday like that i wouldnt need to say anything- he'd turn it down without hesitating. He doesn't have time off to waste and our family is his priority.

I holiday with adult dc. We all pay our way and if they had a dp they would be very welcome.. Your mil is a prize cow imo.