Hi
I have recently been querying whether I could be autistic.
I’m now in my 30s and all of my life a have suffered with anxiety, mainly based around social events, going to work and even meeting up with friends. I can be very quiet and reserved and always just thought I was a bit of an introvert. I have grown to notice that I do struggle to know when to join in conversations and keep up with conversations. This leads me to contstantly rehearsing conversations in my head and covering every possible interaction I might have. Even before I walk to the shop I may rehearse what I might say to a stranger or a neighbour or shop keeper etc. I can feel I look awkward if the conversation moves onto something I haven’t rehearsed and I’m left feeling that the conversation ends abruptly or completely out of context as I wasn’t prepared how to improvise. My brain is constantly ticking.At home or with a very close friend I can speak freely and execute my self very well but can still rehearse conversations and will also replay conversations. It’s very tiring and I feel tense most of the time. I do feel like I put a mask on and when im away from everyone I feel better.
I’ve always just thought I have some social anxiety but there are other things I’m noticing about myself, ever since I was about 9 I have always had a strong sense that ‘ things just don’t feel right’ or look right. If I didn’t like the look or feeling I got from a building it would determine my experience in it for example. The colours of lights or low ceilings or layout in a ballet hall would impact on whether I actually enjoyed the lesson etc. It’s exactly the same now, when I apply for jobs a lot determines on the environment. This stretches further to ‘ events m’ and ‘situations’ feeling right. For example if my partner were to offer to arrange a holiday or party etc and not plan it to exactly how I like it I would not feel comfortable or happy at all. This links a little bit to change but also to orders I like to do things in. He recently booked a woodland adventure holiday thing but had booked activities at all random times and spread out, not in an order that made sense to me, the lodges were a funny colour and square on to each other… I felt uncomfortable the whole time and just couldn’t enjoy it. Please don’t think I’m spoilt etc it’s really not like that. I keep all of this to myself and would be mortified if ever I upset anyone, I’d never complain and always go along with things for the sake of everyone else. This leads me to also say I’m a huge empath, I can feel other peoples experiences and emotions all of the time. I can honestly say I’ve never really ever felt satisfied or happy. It’s not depression, I can tell because I’m not
I don’t really have any sensory difficulties other that needing aeverthing to be visually pleasing. I’m ok with textures etc however tight or tailored type clothing really make me feel angry if I try to wear them, sleeves or coats etc that get in my way or flap about are the same. I can’t wear a handbag or rucksack either as it just feels too restrictive and awkward.
I also don’t hyoerfocus I don’t think.although cleaning and ordering certain things when im stressed realaxes me.
I just thought I’d put this out there because I somehow just don’t feel ‘normal’ as it were. Really don’t like using that word.