Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Help me to stop forming these weird attachments to people :-(

18 replies

SeekingAdvice0618 · 21/01/2022 20:22

Hi all
I'm a 24yo single mother of one lovely DS, who is 2.5. Ever since I was young, I've formed attachments to other women who are always older than me. I'm not gay, and actually, what I want is for them to mother me. I even go as far as to make up stories so they will want to "take care of me". :( I did have quite a toxic childhood, my parents divorced and my mum dated and partied loads, but she did love me, so I don't know.
I've also questioned whether this could be due to the fact I haven't actually had a proper relationship, my DS was conceived from a one night stand and I do wish I had that family unit, a man to be protective and care for me, maybe it's because I'm lonely?
I've considered that maybe I'm on the spectrum, maybe I have some kind of personality disorder. :-(
I would love to stop this as the fixations do tend to take over my life.
Any advice greatly appreciated
Thanks, H x

OP posts:

TearifficTaz · 21/01/2022 20:24

Advice - seek some therapy

Crimesean · 21/01/2022 20:25

Have you ever had therapy? It sounds like you could really benefit from some mental health support. Can you talk to your GP about it? I know it can be really frightening, but it can really help. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma to unpick.

Original poster

SeekingAdvice0618 · 21/01/2022 20:26

Hi. Thanks Thanks responses. No, I've had no therapy. I actually feel really embarrassed to tell someone IRL all this. But I will definitely look in to it. Thanks!

OP posts:

3scape · 21/01/2022 20:29

It's great that you've recognised something you want to address, and able to reflect on some of the reasons why that might be. A mother that perhaps didn't behave in a 'traditional' way, even a loving one might well have left you feeling something was missing perhaps? I don't know - just mulling.

I don't know what to suggest, but I know from my own baggage recognising where I'm 'going wrong' and being conscious of it is generally the start of making a change. Good luck!

FloatyBoaty · 21/01/2022 20:29

Oh I’m a bit like that. Spent my life building relationships with older women, usually senior to me at work, or in positions of influence. Some have become genuine friends, and hugely positive influences in my life. Others … not so much.

Have had therapy. Unsurprisingly resolving my issues with my DM, resolved the issues with my friendships.

Highly recommend psychotherapy.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/01/2022 20:34

This made me sad for you, OP. I recognise some of what you say as I've been through a similar process and my adult-to-adult relationships/attachment style have been quite fucked up (and quite immature, too) on account of childhood trauma.

Bolshy, strong-willed women like Yours Truly HATE admitting we've been victims of anything, or that there is still a screaming, crying child inside us wanting to be comforted, but when you read the theories behind these feelings, you recognise that they are not far wrong.

I had a wonderful, loving mother, have a long history of serious abuse by men - starting with my psychopathic father - and women have always been my saviours. I'm bisexual, incidentally. And it's always to men I've turned as the saviour and protector. I've developed attachments to some of them that were so strong they can't be dismissed as 'limerence' only, and were certainly not love, although that was how it appeared to me at the time. Mentors, and men who have protected me in any way (this has been rare in my life) are fatal. I've been given to these occasional crushes throughout my marriage, and have never cheated, although I'm ashamed to say that on one occasion when the attachment was particularly strong, I would have if the opportunity had arisen.

I had eighteen months' EMDR therapy for the abuse and trauma, following a diagnosis of cPTSD. I had one such 'crush' since and quickly nixed it: the interesting thing is I didn't even particularly like the man involved.

This IS solvable. I think like me you have underlying issues you have yet to address.

Keepitonthedownlow · 21/01/2022 20:37

It's natural to want to feel protected and safe, but unfortunately very difficult to have this outwith a family setting. Have you heard of adopt a grandmother or homestart? I'm sure someone would love to be part of your 'chosen' family.

Counselling will also be helpful too. Good luck op

FloatyBoaty · 21/01/2022 20:40

Oh just saw the bit about “making up stories” … interesting, because I go the opposite way and downplay any and all trauma/ challenges/fears so that they think I’m strong/ good enough to be friends with (and funnily enough, my DM never “took care” of me, really, so I suppose I try to be as low maintenance as possible, because that’s the dynamic I know)…

I still think therapy would be good for you. I don’t think you have a “personality disorder” as you put it. I think you have trauma to heal.

pixiedust21 · 21/01/2022 20:50

I would also really recommend therapy. I completely understand about feeling embarrassed. All my life I’ve had “a weird attachment” thing. I eventually went to therapy to start dealing with it and when we started to u pick it things started to make a lot of sense and I can have a bit of understanding and compassion for myself.

Mine is always centred on older men, almost father / brother types and I get this intense need to be cared for by then and get this gut wrenching feeling that they are going to leave me. I’m embarrassed even typing it as it seems weird.

I’ve had this intensely with maybe 4/5 people. I have a lot of abandonment issues from my babyhood / early childhood and a lot of issues around loss and attachment.

Irs okay and you can start to understand it. I wouldn’t say I’m completely over it but I understand it more. Please feel free to PM me if you want. I get it. Take care xx

Original poster

SeekingAdvice0618 · 23/01/2022 21:20

Thanks everyone. I'm going to look in to therapy x

OP posts:

FortySeven · 23/01/2022 21:27

Agree therapy is a very good idea. There is nothing wrong with you, OP - we all deal with trauma in different ways and the fact you’re already recognising possibly unhealthy patterns of attachment shows a lot of self-awareness on your part (especially when you’re still so young… not to sound patronising, I just know I didn’t recognise harmful patterns of behaviour in myself at your age!) It can take a while to find a therapist you’re happy/feel safe with, so don’t be afraid to try a few different ones. Good luck

IHateCoronavirus · 23/01/2022 22:01

I’ve heard a lot of good things about EMDR. Good luck op

AutomaticMoon · 23/01/2022 22:27

Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube, she explains a lot of cptsd behaviours and feelings. It’s normal that you want a protector and a good therapist can help with not getting into a bad situation relationship wise and making sure you chose a good partner when you feel ready.

saraclara · 23/01/2022 22:58

This was my teens and early to mid adulthood. A devotion to a teacher or later, various respected but kind older women, who I desperately wanted to like and approve of me. It's embarrassing to think back to how ridiculously I must have behaved, especially in my teens/early 20s. I wish there'd been the information and general awareness back then (the 70s and 80s) of what was behind it and help for me to understand it and get past it more quickly than I did.

I know I wasn't remotely gay. I just wanted a close relationship with someone I admired. And yes, my mother was complex and difficult, and I was scared of her.

You're not alone in this. And you're fortunate to be going through this in different times. Counselling will help.

CovidConfused123 · 23/01/2022 23:00

Are you sure you’re not gay?

ldontWanna · 23/01/2022 23:05

Therapy.

It's a common trauma response to look for that "something " in others . Transference. Projection. Unfulfilled needs. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, but it can leave you very vulnerable and make life difficult.

You also need to do some work on yourself and your self esteem and learn that you are enough. Enough for yourself,enough for your son. You don't need someone to look after you. You're doing a great job of that yourself already. Anything else is a bonus, a nice to have not a need. It won't be easy and it is quite a lot of work, but you'll get there.

EmmaGracemum · 23/01/2022 23:19

@saraclara

I know I wasn't remotely gay. I just wanted a close relationship with someone I admired. And yes, my mother was complex and difficult, and I was scared of her.

You're not alone in this. And you're fortunate to be going through this in different times. Counselling will help.

@saraclara Sounds like you came to understand this? What did explanation did you find, if you’ll excuse my curiosity?

saraclara · 24/01/2022 00:35

I only understood it once it passed @EmmaGracemum . And that only happened l as I became more confident in myself, had a fulfilling marriage and two lovely DDs. I found my place in the world, and formed the right kind of attachments. Being loved by my DH and children mended me.

I've only really reflected on my childhood relationship (or lack of) with my mother in the last few years, since my husband died. It was something I'd shut away. More recent events with her and conversations with my brother have made everything slot into place.
I never had any kind of therapy. The neediness just resolved somewhere in my late 30s when I felt happy and fulfilled with my own family life.

Flip