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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront my abusive parents

19 replies

Imfinallyhappy1 · 21/01/2022 19:35

My parents were emotionally abusive and physically abusive to me growing up. So many horrific events and I feel my childhood was stolen from me and still affects me to this day. If you’d ask my parents they would say I was the black sheep and would say I had a lovely childhood. I’ve gone partially non contact and apart from the odd attempt on their behalf to contact me with control, I have ignored them. But with time away I’m starting to heal and I’m more and more angry at them. So bloody angry and want them to know just how much I’m angry at them. Has anyone gone through this? I know I should just live my life and forget them but I feel they should suffer.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 21/01/2022 19:39

Are you having therapy? Maybe with time, you might find it helpful to write a letter to them. ..

I am sorry your parents were not the kind of parents everyone deserves to have and that you were physically and emotionally abused. Yes, it will always affect you but I am glad that you have separated yourself from them and have started to heal. Stay on that path, put yourself first and find love. Your anger is justified, but if they have always blamed you for being the black sheep and insist that you had a lovely childhood, trying to make them suffer might mean more pain for you.

Wombat98 · 21/01/2022 19:40

Don't bother, work it all out and let it go.

If you do, you'll get called over-sensitive, difficult, ungrateful, yadda, yadda.

They won't see it as abuse and the past is a foreign land.

I say this as someone from a distinctly abusive family. Stately Homes thread may help you if you've not already posted there.

Cherrysoup · 21/01/2022 19:46

They’d say you had a lovely childhood so they’ll just deny which will leave you even more frustrated.

Imfinallyhappy1 · 21/01/2022 19:47

This is true, they would absolutely say I’m an attention seeker, I was naughty, I deserve it, etc etc.

I was going to pen an email and then block them on everything.

I don’t think they would come to my house, they’ve not bothered being here I’m so long.

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 19:50

Ranting however rightly op will have them tell anyone who will listen you are bad mouthing them.
Ime
Go nc.
Block them.
Move on.
Again ime

Santaslittlemelter · 21/01/2022 19:50

Dont bring them back into your life just to get it off your chest. You will get no comfort from their reaction and they will have an open door to cause you more pain and new opportunities for them to hurt you.

Be free of them, the best revenge is to be okay and keep cutting them out. And find a good life for yourself.

WhiteJellycat · 21/01/2022 19:56

Nothing hurt as much as my mum denying she ever laid a finger on me. There was a third element to my abuse then. Gaslighting. I had therapy. Very painful. But needed. You cant go back. It's done now. You want find peace down that path. They let you down spectacularly before as a innocent child. They wont save you now.

I am so sorry. Its sucks. You deserved love, being cherished and being safe. From.the people who should have loved and protected you the most in the world. Dont give them that power. I wish I could say they will apologise and beg forgiveness but I dont think it's worth the risk.

HappyDays40 · 21/01/2022 20:03

Send an email full of venom, uncensored and full guns. Block. Move on. Happy life.

ChocolateHelps · 21/01/2022 20:06

I found this quite reassuring as an explanation of why parents are very unlikely to be able to give you the apology you deserve

www.drpsychmom.com/2021/05/21/you-can-validate-your-adult-childs-complaints-about-their-childhood-while-still-cherishing-your-own-positive-memories/?fbclid=IwAR231HbkX9jaLt2bZN5KAxK45Z9lFDMwZ4l34TZBUZ1X6lQcSN8Es6QzcmA

3scape · 21/01/2022 20:09

I'm sorry to say they are unlikely to suffer due to whatever narrative or justification they give themselves for being abusive. You could write a letter, no return address explaining to them that you will not tolerate their presence in your life any longer. That you are not looking for an excuse.

Or why bother? They will not help you, that much is clear. They are dead to you, grieve that, move on.

inheritancetrack · 21/01/2022 20:13

But they will just gaslight you and say it was due to your behaviour, you were at fault, they did nothing wrong etc.

That will be just as hurtful as what they did and would gain you nothing except the knowledge they believe themselves blameless and have taken no responsibility. The hurt will start up all over again.

Just block and ignore them. If they manage to contact you just say our relationship will never heal and for my own peace of mind I do not need you in my life any longer. End. No discussion.

draramallama · 21/01/2022 20:15

Write the email. Never send it.

want them to know just how much I’m angry at them. Has anyone gone through this? I know I should just live my life and forget them but I feel they should suffer.

They won't care and it won't hurt them or cause them to suffer.

It will hurt you to open yourself up and be rejected and blamed again.

You won't get the validation or vengeance or justice you're seeking. They won't repent and soothe the wounds they gave you (and it does sound like that's what you're still seeking - for them to respond by giving you the care and acceptance and protection you deserved as a child and naturally still want).

Even if you only sent it by email and blocked them, it would play on your mind - what if they have replied and I miss it, why don't they care enough to find another way to respond?

And putting it in writing to them gives them power over you again. They can share it and use it to cause you trouble.

You should be the one in control. Maintaining your silence keeps you in control, emailing them gives them control. You say you'll block them but honestly you wouldn't want to tell them any of these things if you didn't also want to see or hear or know their reaction. Which means as soon as you sent it they would be controlling your thoughts and emotions and actions.

There isn't any response that will make you feel better, but you are pretty much guaranteed responses that will make you feel worse.

Anger is a very normal part of processing trauma. It is entirely legitimate but it won't always be this intense and personally I would encourage you to find other ways to cope with it until then. Reengaging with them will only disrupt and delay your healing.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/01/2022 20:20

Kindly (and based on my own experience) you won’t get what you want from any confrontation, so it is pointless.

There will be no lightbulb moment, no apologies or remorse and no reconciliation.
You need to find a way to get closure on your own.

Santahasjoinedww · 21/01/2022 20:29

Why give them any satisfaction that their behaviour still bothers you? If gave no shits then have they changed so much they will now?
My dm got her comeuppance

She has no part in the lives of me and my dc..

ElectraBlue · 21/01/2022 20:30

My experience is that parents like this will never admit that they did anything wrong.

Gaslighting, manipulating, lying, paintings themselves as the victims, blaming the child/adult child for anything that happened is usually the way they operate.

They are incapable of any kind of self-reflection and of providing a genuine apology.

The best revenge is for you to get on with your life and be happy.

Cut them off if you have too and focus on people who bring something positive to your life.

UserBot999 · 21/01/2022 20:37

Did me know good.

Even though i started off calmly with "when you xxxxx i feel hurt" it got me nowhere. I asked why my hurt was a "grudge" and an "accusation" but my perspective hurt them so much it affected their health 🤔
8 got nowhere. They are defensive martyrs who unite back each other up no matter how illogical the other is being.

So @Imfinallyhappy1 i would save your breath :-(
🍷💐

UserBot999 · 21/01/2022 20:42

@Cherrysoup

They’d say you had a lovely childhood so they’ll just deny which will leave you even more frustrated.
Yupp.

I tried to give my motherba letter and she wouldnt take it. She was nervously looking around to see if any neighbours were watching.
So she literally does care mor about what stranger neighbours think than how i feel.
But she "hates what you"ve done to this family".

She has so little self awareness. She thinks its normal to deny somebody any voice at all in the family, but haughtily summons them to play the part of daughter.

LittleOwl153 · 21/01/2022 21:05

Write your letter if you think it would help, get it all out on paper.

Then post it to Santa, or put it in the fire and let it go up the chimney. Send it so that you can move one. But don't send it to them as they will just use it as an excuse to carry on belittling you.

Then once its sent block them all, on everything. And move on with your life in peace!

Mischance · 21/01/2022 21:09

The decision rests upon whether it would help you to move on with your life or it would just stir up an unmanageable hornet's nest that would place more burdens on you.

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