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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To approach the other childs mum about this?

21 replies

SNDDTheTargetAgain · 21/01/2022 19:01

My DD is 6, Year 2.

She has some SN and we’re in the process of getting an EHCP for her, she’s physically quite a bit smaller than the other children – she’s only just reached 100cm and still wears age 2-3 or 3-4 clothes.

Academically she’s well supported and unlikely to need SN school for context, the EHCP is just to make sure the support she has can be reviewed and changed as needed.

There’s another girl in her class whose also got SN. She’s quite a bit taller than most of the other DC, she’s taller than some of the Year 6s. I know her mum well as we used to work together.

This girl will hug, kiss, and maul the other children. Not nastily, but she’s not learnt to be friendly. She will also shout out in class and boss the other children around, if they don’t do what she says she’ll walk up to them and hit them or carry them to where she wants them.

I know all this from talking to the girls mum plus from what DD and others in the class tell me.

DD is a particular target, every teacher she’s had has picked up on it. DD is described as everyones friend, they all want to play with her, so she includes this girl but then gets hit or picked up and she doesn’t like it. A few times this girl has pushed DD off a bench by this girl (according to DD and 2 other children who’ve witnessed it – it’s happened twice), and DDs nose has bled or she’s hit her head and been sent home.

School say the involved children gets consequences but the mother admits that the consequences don’t work, the girl doesn’t care if she’s kept in at breaktime or not invited to class parties or whatever. The mum tries but admits herself that the girl doesn’t understand.

School have told her that her DD needs an SN school but she won’t have her assessed, I’ve gently tried to encourage it, shown her the support DD got from being assessed etc but she says no, she won’t have her child labelled. The girls also been excluded a few times, but the mum doesn’t care and says that they are discriminating against the child (I have this in messages) by not helping her. The mum always apologises on her DDs behalf if she finds out which child her DD went for but says that sometimes the other children provoke this girl. I’ve seen this girl with my DD and other children outside of school (at parties and playdates etc), she can be very rough often unintentionally but the other children do try and avoid her which is hard.

I’m at a loss of what to do, I can’t keep having DD hurt but changing schools won’t help DD academically especially when we’ve only just started the EHCP. As I said academically DD is well supported, she struggles with some things but school have said behaviour wise they can manage her (no really bad behaviour she just refuses to work sometimes which is related to her SN) plus DD always says she loves the rest of her class, and they seem to love her, she’s been invited to 2 parties in the next few weeks both of classmates and I’ve been asked repeatedly by one mum if “(DDs name) is definitely coming to (her childs name) party because they really want her there”

So WIBU to approach the mum to try and find a resolution? I feel for both girls but without extra support the other girl is just going to keep on hurting others.

Have changed details in case but if the mum does see this I’m not bothered.

OP posts:

emuloc · 21/01/2022 19:33

I would be talking to the head about this. I personally would not be talking to the other parent about it.

AbbieLexie · 21/01/2022 19:36

Head teacher. Do not speak with the mother of the other child about this.

Beamur · 21/01/2022 19:38

Go through the school. Don't approach the other Mum. The school need to deal with this and put measures in place to stop your DD getting hurt.

RandomMess · 21/01/2022 19:39

Go through the school and insist that they start safe guarding your DD from being physically assaulted - picked up against her wishes, pushed over/off things.

Ploppy1322 · 21/01/2022 19:45

Don't go to the mum, no good can come of it, she's hardwired to be on her daughters side regardless of what she's done. She also knows exactly what her daughter is doing and is at a loss how to prevent it I'd imagine. Keep pushing the school and don't drop it, you need to be persistent! Xx

cansu · 21/01/2022 19:45

You stay out of it. You won't be thanked and tbh how would you feel if another mum was telling you that your dd should be in another school? The girl's mum will come to a decision in time. In the meantime you can insist that the school provide enough support to prevent your dd being hurt.

BogRollBOGOF · 21/01/2022 19:49

Always go through the school. The mum won't want to hear it. Going through school will build more paper trail to support in the long run.

Ovenaffray · 21/01/2022 19:50

Go through the school.

Crimesean · 21/01/2022 19:53

Don't approach the girl's mother, if she's refusing an assessment for her DD she's not exactly parent of the year and is unlikely to respond well.

Approach the Head, ask why your child isn't being kept safe at school and is constantly being hurt (and hurt seriously on 2 occasions). They can't tell you details about the other child, but they should be able to say how they will keep your child safe, as she seems to be a particular target.

MagicKit · 21/01/2022 19:53

Through the school, 100%

I would only ever approach the parent if school failed to address it

Original poster

SNDDTheTargetAgain · 21/01/2022 19:58

Thanks everyone, I have complained previously to school when she was hurt badly it only helps for awhile then it's like my DD forgets (possibly as thats part of her SN) and includes the girl again.

OP posts:

Mamamia7962 · 21/01/2022 20:04

Ask for a meeting with the headteacher. After the meeting write a letter to the headteacher stating what was discussed and the measures the school agreed to put in place to keep your child safe. That way they are more likely to actually do what they say they are going to and you have written proof if you need to take this further. I would do this for every phone call or meeting you have about this situation.

Original poster

SNDDTheTargetAgain · 21/01/2022 20:49

@Mamamia7962

@Mamamia7962 I've always spoken to the class teacher and complained via them, when she got seriously hurt though it was the head who called and spoke to me both times.

OP posts:

shakinsti · 21/01/2022 20:56

Go through the school. It's happening at school so they're responsible for keeping an eye on things and doing something to stop it.

The parent needs to be informed of course but realistically she can't do much if she's not there when it's happening.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 21/01/2022 21:38

How many classes are there in the year? We had a similar situation which kept getting brushed over until the child slammed a door on my DC’s arm

A phone call with the head pointing out their failure to safeguard DC and advising them that any further injuries would result in legal action brought about a swift move of the child to another class and greater monitoring at break time

Original poster

SNDDTheTargetAgain · 22/01/2022 09:44

@Tomnooktoldmeto

How many classes are there in the year? We had a similar situation which kept getting brushed over until the child slammed a door on my DC’s arm

@Tomnooktoldmeto 3 per year but they're all mixed at playtime and lunchtime and do some lessons together like Maths and PE.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/01/2022 12:42

It's not about your DD not playing with her anymore.

DD needs help and support to say "no" to being picked and put her hand out, for telling the staff when it happens and them acting on it every time. No being fobbed that it's just playing/telling tales.

Somebodylikeyew · 22/01/2022 12:48

Your issue and your concern is that your DD is kept safe at school; and that’s for the school to sort. Take it up firmly with them. It sounds like they’re supporting your DD pretty well in other ways so hopefully this can just form part of that.

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2022 13:23

Do not talk to the mother. Talk to the school. I would ask for a meeting with class teacher and principal to discuss how they are going to keep your dd safe - list the incidents.

Its horrendous when parents wont engage with the school about sen child and schools hands are often tied.

You need to be the polite but firm squeaky wheel. Is your dd getting 1:1 to help her? As that could go a long way to stopping another child lifting her or pushing her

Hankunamatata · 22/01/2022 13:24

There should also be a safeguarding teacher at the school, I'd probably ask for them to attend the meeting too

Original poster

SNDDTheTargetAgain · 22/01/2022 14:17

@Hankunamatata

Do not talk to the mother. Talk to the school. I would ask for a meeting with class teacher and principal to discuss how they are going to keep your dd safe - list the incidents. Its horrendous when parents wont engage with the school about sen child and schools hands are often tied. You need to be the polite but firm squeaky wheel. Is your dd getting 1:1 to help her? As that could go a long way to stopping another child lifting her or pushing her

@Hankunamatata She has 1-1 for some class time and also does group work, often with this girl which I think is part of the issue for both DD and this girl.

DD doesn't get 1-1 at playtimes or lunchtime as it wasn't felt it was needed.

OP posts:

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