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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Contact

26 replies

Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 10:13

AIBU to think that going no contact with someone you dated is not cruel and self care of the highest form?

I was dating someone last Summer and it transpired he was not who he protrayed to be. He was practically begging to be dumped IMO. I therefore cut off contact with him and just disappeared.

My friend said I should unblock him as he may wish to speak to me.

I said if he wished to speak to me he should have done it correctly the first time - I said he had his chance. When I have friends who unblock these idiots it ends the same way but just a few weeks longer of drama involved. In and out and back and forth.

My friend said ‘well thats why you are single’.

It seems to be you are shamed into having standards by people who have none and settle for anything. I appreciate people make mistakes and I do give 1 or 2 and I know people are complex.

This friend has married someone who was still using online dating a year after they met, divorced his ex wife (this was lengthy as he wanted to ‘rinse’ her for money) - she met him a few months after they seperated, makes comments belitting her career (I thought you would know that being a X profession) and also said ‘you can have one baby with me if you play your cards right’. All of these would have been deal breakers for me. Maybe my standards are a bit too high?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2022 10:20

Absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards!

If your friend wants to settle for what sounds like a selfish wanker that's up to her. I'd rather be single, thanks!

Keep your standards high.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2022 10:26

It sounds like you have absolutely no reason to be in touch with that guy so I’d keep him blocked.

High standards are good but you and your friend should watch the judgement of each other

Marimaur · 21/01/2022 10:27

Your standards sounds normal, not ‘high’.
Your friend’s standards sound low.

RedCandyApple · 21/01/2022 11:08

Your friend is weird

PurpleDaisies · 21/01/2022 11:09

What does your friend think you’d get out of still being on touch with that guy? Confused
You’re not in the wrong here.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:29

@PurpleDaisies

What does your friend think you’d get out of still being on touch with that guy? Confused You’re not in the wrong here.
I have no idea. She was involved with a foreign guy who finished with her a couple of years ago and kept in touch with him and met up with him as a ‘friend’. I remember at the time asking her have you asked him why he wants to meet you explicity? She looked horrified.
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 11:31

My friend said I should unblock him as he may wish to speak to me.
"No thanks love, you can have his contact details if you want to chat to a loser though."

My friend said ‘well thats why you are single’.
Your friend obviously reckons that Crap Man is better than No Man. And now she's living with the consequences.

That's her decision - she doesn't get to dictate to you that you ought to tolerate crap from men.
And your standards are not too high - they're exactly where they ought to be - at the height YOU want them to be.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2022 11:33

I agree with pp - your standards just sound normal. Friend’s sound ridiculously low.
She’s just trying to make herself feel better by saying “that’s why you’re single” imo

Better to be single than with a dickhead anyway

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:36

I am asking for no less than I already am?

Kind warm loving loyal considerated independent emotionally intelligent
Look after my own mental and physical health (yoga teacher and gym five times per week), therapy once per week and daily meditation
Work professionally, own car and own flat
Look after my living space
Clean living - no drugs alcohol or smoking
Close friendships and family
Manage money with savings and ISAs

Clean breakup with long term partners and now no contact

It seems alot of Men cannot even fit one or two of these criteria - if these have a masters degree and are on Tinder they think they are the second coming 🤣

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2022 11:38

therapy once per week and daily meditation

Am I reading this right - this is what you want from a partner?

PurpleDaisies · 21/01/2022 11:39

@Trippingslippingx1

I am asking for no less than I already am?

Kind warm loving loyal considerated independent emotionally intelligent
Look after my own mental and physical health (yoga teacher and gym five times per week), therapy once per week and daily meditation
Work professionally, own car and own flat
Look after my living space
Clean living - no drugs alcohol or smoking
Close friendships and family
Manage money with savings and ISAs

Clean breakup with long term partners and now no contact

It seems alot of Men cannot even fit one or two of these criteria - if these have a masters degree and are on Tinder they think they are the second coming 🤣

Are you saying you want your partner to have all of those qualities?
girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 11:39

Your friends completely wrong but you're asking for a lot to be honest...

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:39

Everytime I see her she makes some comment about him. She bought then both a house (his name in mortgage despite him putting no money in) after knowing him for nine months or something and she made him a ‘man cave’ within the house. Decorated it and put a games console in it for him. I nearly fainted when she showed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:40

@PurpleDaisies No. Even half of them
Would suffice. ❤️

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 21/01/2022 11:40

You're not in a relationship with him and you're not friends with him. There's no reason at all to be in contact if you don't want to be.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:40

@ShirleyPhallus

therapy once per week and daily meditation

Am I reading this right - this is what you want from a partner?

No. X
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 11:41

[quote Trippingslippingx1]@PurpleDaisies No. Even half of them
Would suffice. ❤️[/quote]
You must have some that are more important than others - are some of them dealbreakers?

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:44

@girlmom21 deal breakers are clean living (staying away from drugs), good relationships with family and friends. Kind and warm ❤️

Those would be the deal breakers.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 11:49

@Trippingslippingx1

Everytime I see her she makes some comment about him. She bought then both a house (his name in mortgage despite him putting no money in) after knowing him for nine months or something and she made him a ‘man cave’ within the house. Decorated it and put a games console in it for him. I nearly fainted when she showed me.
Poor woman is deluded. I'd feel very sorry for a friend who did this.

However, if she persisted in lecturing me about exes I ought to to keep fawning over, or made another comment like her "no wonder you are single" I'd be tempted to retort that at least I'm not reduced to buying a man's company.

Silly sod is going to lose her house as soon as Man Cave Baby wants rid of her, or access to "their" equity.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/01/2022 11:50

You are the sensible one , not your friend . So many people stay in touch with ex's and I just don't understand it ,all you do is prolong the drama and heartache , why bother ! My dd's ex of 10 months got back in touch with her recently , could they be friends now , could they meet up etc. She told him he had no right getting in touch and had enough friends and blocked him , she was fuming that he dared to get in touch after he had finished with her .

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:53

@ChargingBuck it is heart breaking to watch. I do wonder about what his ex wife thinks about it all.

This is not her first retort. She was talking about single mothers and said ‘well I would never date as a single mother because no man would definately want me then’. I did snap at this. I said my mother was a single mother and has no issues whatsoever with dating and eventually finding a very nice man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 11:55

@pumpkinpie01

You are the sensible one , not your friend . So many people stay in touch with ex's and I just don't understand it ,all you do is prolong the drama and heartache , why bother ! My dd's ex of 10 months got back in touch with her recently , could they be friends now , could they meet up etc. She told him he had no right getting in touch and had enough friends and blocked him , she was fuming that he dared to get in touch after he had finished with her .
I would be like you DD in all honestly. It is insulting they think our self esteem is that low to require a friendship when they have treated someone poorly.
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 21/01/2022 13:08

@pumpkinpie01 you've raised a daughter with good self-esteem & her own mind, well done :)

OP, your friend's attitude is only harming her, not you, no matter how irritating it must be to be patronised by a daft dick-panderer.
And it sounds like you already are like Pumpkin's DD - you are not taking your friend's nonsense on board.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/01/2022 13:56

@ChargingBuck dick - panderer 😂 yep my dd takes no crap , she was so angry her ex had got it touch , literally seething .

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 21/01/2022 14:20

patronised by a daft dick-panderer.

🤣 so accurate I love it.

OP posts:
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