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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be (slightly) dreading my own wedding?

22 replies

Oriontheblackstar · 21/01/2022 08:05

I’m just wondering if anyone might be able to help me feel a bit more excited about my wedding, or even not to be dreading it slightly?

Wedding has been postponed a few times because of covid. It was never going to be a huge event and I don’t want it to be, and I’m happy with the venue and everything like that.

But I’m feeling really surprisingly low about it. I was never one of those women who dreamed about the perfect wedding much even as a little girl. But the whole thing seems a bit farcical - so much cost and fuss and not just for us but for everyone, which I feel inexplicably guilty about.

My own parents are no longer around and I think that’s a big part of my feelings about it. I am used to them not being around and certainly in my own mums case I’ve gone through just about every single milestone from A level results onwards without her including becoming a parent, but I feel low she won’t be there. I feel low my dad won’t be walking me down the aisle as well.

I definitely stand by the view that the marriage and not the wedding are what’s important. Part of it is the time of year probably wouldn’t have been my first choice - would have preferred a late spring or early summer wedding - and covid is still casting a shadow. I’m just glad to be getting married though.

I also don’t feel very confident about how I’m going to look. I wanted to lose a bit more weight but the scales aren’t cooperating

Moan moan moan … don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely, the venue is lovely, so grateful for guests attending, and believe me I never thought I’d get married! I just wish I felt a bit more excited and not feeling like the day is going to be a bit of a chore.

OP posts:

DrNo007 · 21/01/2022 08:11

I understand. Can’t you and partner just book a registry office, buy a smart dress you can wear again, cancel all the costly bits (provided you can get some money back) and have a meal at home or in a restaurant afterwards with just your closest friends? There is no obligation to go overboard.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/01/2022 08:17

I can imagine how this would happen with it being postponed a few times and having to keep getting psyched up for it. Didn't have covid around when I got married but I remember we didn't want a long engagement for similar reasons, too much time to think about it.

There's no shame in scaling it down and doing what suits you.

Original poster

Oriontheblackstar · 21/01/2022 08:18

Well no, it’s in a matter of weeks, not months, everything paid for and organised. Tbh I wouldn’t have been anti a registry office wedding but husband to me preferred a more celebratory service (his family are still around) and I don’t mind this. Just wish I felt a bit more excited.

OP posts:

Newgirls · 21/01/2022 08:19

It’s natural to have massive feelings before a wedding. I bet you will have a good time and look back on it with affection.

Don’t change anything now that’s even more complicated.

I would book in with a therapist to have a couple of sessions as going through this life change without your parents is bound to stir up huge feelings of loss.

DoTheMerengue · 21/01/2022 08:20

If it’s any comfort I felt similar before my wedding because I would’ve preferred something much, much smaller. However, I really enjoyed it.

WhyYesYABU · 21/01/2022 08:23

It doesn't have to be a big deal. Its a big party. Not being excited isn't the end of the world! Then again mine was registry office, Thai meal for 8 and then a big mortgage overpayment. I vaguely remember it but all I care about it that I married my lovely husband. It wasn't the best day of my life and I don't care...I'm hoping I have many more days that will surpass it by a merry mile!

What I'm trying to say is why not take the pressure off and give yourself permission to feel 'meh' about it and focus on other things instead?

Farrandau · 21/01/2022 08:38

@WhyYesYABU

What I'm trying to say is why not take the pressure off and give yourself permission to feel 'meh' about it and focus on other things instead?

This. I think you should concentrate on taking the pressure off yourself to feel excited — there are enough ‘shoulds ’ in our lives.

If it’s any consolation, my main feelings in advance of my own wedding were ‘mildly irritated’ — I wasn’t that keen on doing it despite loving my now-DH, who as the keen one, and we were just taking two witnesses to the register office — and our relationship was and continues very happy.

Just see it as a useful legal thing, with a party that might be fun.

Original poster

Oriontheblackstar · 21/01/2022 08:41

Thanks, I think that largely is how I’m seeing it. I guess we’re so conditioned to think of the wedding being the happy ever after that it’s quite hard not to feel excited about it. I wish I did!

OP posts:

MoiraNotRuby · 21/01/2022 08:43

My mum died when I was small and I totally recognise your feelings. It is so hard being bereaved, especially when your husband to be still has his family (not that I'm wishing harm on them!!).

Add in covid which is a total drag and of course yanbu to feel this way.

For the future, if you haven't had any bereavement counselling, CRUSE are absolutely fantastic.

I hope the day goes well and wish you all the best.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/01/2022 08:49

There's definitely no law requiring you to feel anything on the day. Just take it for what it is, maybe focus on spending time with others as a get together instead.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 21/01/2022 08:56

Before a night out I often feel like this and wish I was staying in as usual but once I get to the event I enjoy it and Im glad I went. Hopefully you will feel the same about the wedding.

WhatAWasteOfOranges · 21/01/2022 09:01

I had similar feelings about my wedding, just felt a bit down having it without my mum. We had a really low key wedding, meal and a big party and it was a great day. You’ll enjoy it once it’s going… the anticipation of it, especially having had to cancel can be a bit gah i think

lovemelongtime · 21/01/2022 09:02

You will do closer to the time, when you know its not going to be cancelled again. Could you afford to get yourself something else to wear that you do feel good in? that might brighten you up.

Original poster

Oriontheblackstar · 21/01/2022 09:02

Yes me too @CheeseCakeSunflowers

I love my dress but just the same I have to wear it all day and heels …

OP posts:

MsAgnesDiPesto · 21/01/2022 09:08

@Oriontheblackstar

Yes me too *@CheeseCakeSunflowers*

I love my dress but just the same I have to wear it all day and heels …

You don’t! It’s your wedding, you don’t have to do it the way you think is ‘right’ - just what suits you.

Plan to get changed into something which is comfy for the evening, jeans and a nice top! Whatever you like. The important thing is that you can enjoy it.

We went against all family traditions and had 8 of us for a short ceremony, lunch in a private room and off on honeymoon in the afternoon. I was relaxed and enjoyed all of it because it was what we wanted and not what anyone expected we should do.

SallyWD · 21/01/2022 09:27

I completely understand why you feel this way. Just lower your expectations and focus on the commitment you and your partner are making to each other. Try and remove all expectations about how a wedding should be and just enjoy it for what is is - a commitment, a pleasant day with friends and family and some nice food and drink. Our wedding was just us two at a registry office with witnesses so I understand your feelings to an extent.

delilahbucket · 21/01/2022 09:36

I got married last year and I kept saying I felt like Covid had sapped every ounce of joy out of it. My hen do was cancelled, plans constantly changed, we lost suppliers and venues repeatedly, it was so much harder than it should have been. But, when the day came, I wasn't nervous because I knew I wanted to get married, and I was determined to enjoy the day whatever happened, because we had finally made it. We had an absolutely amazing day. We forgot Covid, we got to see all of our families and friends and they got to celebrate with us. It wasn't a massive affair, but it wasn't small, and that was what we wanted, and that made the day. It was exactly what we wanted. That's the important thing.

Bagamoyo1 · 21/01/2022 09:41

I think you’ll enjoy it on the day. It’ll be impossible not to get swept up in the moment. And as for the dress - it’s your day, if you want to change into jeans after the ceremony then you can! I’ve been at weddings where the bride did exactly that.
Just see it as a big party with lots of friends.

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2022 09:46

Get yourself some trainers post ceremony and photos. Best thing I did.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/01/2022 12:57

With weddings I think the only traditions and etiquette that matters is the ones that relate to hosting your guests decently. Beyond that it's fine to just do what you're comfortable with. Don't wear heels if you don't want to.

JustSmallFry · 21/01/2022 12:59

Get yourself some rainbow club shoes. They are ultra comfy!

Ruibies · 21/01/2022 13:59

I get it - I had very mixed feelings going into mine. I was SO excited to be marrying my husband, but I finished 4 months of chemotherapy 10 days beforehand, and certainly didn't feel confident in the way I looked or felt. In some ways the wedding was a light at the end of that cancer tunnel for me, and in other ways it was another bloody big thing to deal with during a really rough time of my life. I love weddings and thought I would be just so enthusiastic about mine, but after planning it for a year (and I can't imagine how long you've been waiting for yours given covid delays!) I was just ready for it to be over.

I did still have the absolute best day, all worries about people having fun and how I looked went completely out the door. It was a joyful, celebratory day, and those feelings beforehand didn't impact on me at all. Wishing you a wonderful wedding day and very happy marriage!!

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