Dd5 doesn't like running - making friends

[AliveAndSleeping]

Shamelessly posting here for traffic.

Most kids seem to socialize by playing running games. Catch, tag, etc and if she refuses to join in any running games I worry about her being able to make and keep friends. I doubt there are many kids around of her age that would rather sit and chat (As she likes to do) than run around, jump, do something active.

She joined a new school in September (year 1) and seemed to be making friends last term but now the kids seem to mostly play running games so she has stopped playing with them. In the morning before school she just awkwardly stands around in the playground.

I think it's not so much that she doesn't like running but that she feels very conscious that she is much slower than the other kids. She is quite a bit smaller and probably weaker than her classmates (end of August born and very poor eater). We've had her thoroughly checked out for her poor weight gain and she is fine.

Not sure what to do about this one. Not only is it good for her to be more active but I also don't want her to lose her friends or be isolated from her class mates or be the odd one out.

I'm sure they're not playing running games for the full day. I can't see how not taking part in this will mean she doesn't make friends; I don't think the two things are exclusive.

I don’t think it matters OP- my 4 year old loves running but doesn’t do it in the morning in the playground, prefers to stand next to me until the door opens. Do you know she’s having trouble making friends?

I think you may be overthinking this, but as an overthinker myself, the only thing I can think to suggest is to try and run around with her more at home so she gets faster??

Or probably better, just leave her to it. It's her choice not to run around if she doesn't want to.

If your worried have a quiet chat with class teacher and ask if she is settling ok

I agree you may be overthinking things but do you have a junior parkrun near you? You could take her along and see if she gets into it.

What's her leg and hip muscle strength like? Do her ankles sink in towards one another? Does she complain of her legs hurting or is she very flexible/her knees or elbows able to bend back past straight?

It could genuinely hurt her and be far, far harder work for her to move compared to the other children, especially if she has hypermobility or weak muscles.

Swimming is far less painful and would strengthen her more than forcing her onto a Parkrun where she'd hate it and quite easily do her ankle a mischief if she's hypermbobile, for example.

@asnippersdream

I'm sure they're not playing running games for the full day. I can't see how not taking part in this will mean she doesn't make friends; I don't think the two things are exclusive.

They seem to be related. Most kids at this age seem to like doing active things. At home or with us she enjoys jumping and running as well (though I do feel she isn't as active as other kids). At school and with her friends / class mates it's a confidence issue I think (added to the fact that she doesn't love it). She feels conscious about not being able to catch anyone or being the first one to be caught, etc so she avoids it altogether. From what she says tag and catch and generally running around games seems to be what the kids are mostly playing at the moment.

She struggles in PE as well when they play games.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

What's her leg and hip muscle strength like? Do her ankles sink in towards one another? Does she complain of her legs hurting or is she very flexible/her knees or elbows able to bend back past straight?

It could genuinely hurt her and be far, far harder work for her to move compared to the other children, especially if she has hypermobility or weak muscles.

Swimming is far less painful and would strengthen her more than forcing her onto a Parkrun where she'd hate it and quite easily do her ankle a mischief if she's hypermbobile, for example.

Interesting..I'll check. I don't think she is hypermobile but I do think she isn't as strong as the others probably because she is younger, much smaller and she eats very little (below 2nd centile for weight).

We are just looking at swimming classes. She used to go precovid but since then It's quite difficult to get a place at the moment in our area. She has swimming in school and while she enjoys it she does feel a bit bad that she can't swim as well as the others.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I don’t think it matters OP- my 4 year old loves running but doesn’t do it in the morning in the playground, prefers to stand next to me until the door opens. Do you know she’s having trouble making friends?

Yes, kind of. She is quite shy and easily intimidated by larger groups. She does make friends and she enjoys playing with other kids as long as it's not too much movement based. I worry that because she doesn't like running, she is missing out on valuable Play time with other kids and struggling to make friends.

It's difficult to explain..I've realised I'm actually not sure what I am asking. Maybe how to get her to join kids even if they are running around. I've told her it's ok to be slower or to be caught and she can still have fun running around but I don't think she was convinced.

I agree playground games do involve a lot of running but my year one is always telling me they play families and superheroes and other stuff that is more role play based.

Could your daughter suggest the games to play? You could give her game ideas or conversation starters so that she has more influence over what is played.

I know it's hard but I'd also reinforce the fact that it doesn't matter if you're caught first in a game or you aren't the fastest and remind her of all of her strengths.

Ask the school if they put out any other games for children to play with, like quoits, beanbags, hoops, mini stilts, skipping ropes etc. If not why not. Maybe a PTA project to think about. In the summer they could put out blankets , books, etc, but a bit cold for those atm.

Ah DD had this problem for a while. She can’t run fast either.

It was much less of an issue by Y2 as I recall, as the running/physical games seemed to be less dominant by then. Sorry that doesn’t help much right now but in case it helps to know it won’t be forever.

Also, ask if there is a quiet corner - some schools have one for those who get overwhelmed or tired out by the physical play.

Please dont tell her she can't run because she's small.
My under 9th centile (and I agree this is bigger than yours) , summer born regularly runs as fast as his peers.

She might not want to run, there might be something else going on that makes it painful, but her size on its own won't be the issue.

And there will be other kids who don't want to run. She needs to find out where they go - and it probably isn't right next to the running games.

You're overthinking. It will be her shyness rather than lack of running if anything and I'm sure she has friends at school. First port of call is check in with teacher first. See if they have noticed anything. Otherwise start organising some playdates.

I live next to a school playground and promise yoi lots of kids sit or stand around chatting at break! (Girls mainly)

What about ballet lessons...my dd was very small too and very lacking in confidence....her dance classes have helped her confidence no end.

I agree its not necessarily size or age. But often it easier for oldest and tallest.
I would suggest an exercise club that is maybe not running so tennis /martial arts/gym.
My eldest is similar and did do a bit till y4 but just couldnt keep up.
Imagine even by y1 so some 6.5yo and have been doing rugby/gym/football/dance/swimming since 3 or so so it becomes hard to catch up that.
So my youngest has done 6m precovid swimming lessons and got to stage 2. A year of rugby tots.
Now in y1 has done gym/football etc a term at a time. We also cycle to beavers. So i would say shes getting about 1hr30 exercise in addition to school sports. But this isnt a lot compared to most of the other kids. By y4 you could really tell who was doing clubs and they did a lot better at sports day, and several couldnt run around the very small field!

FWIW my DD (who is nearly 11) hates sports and activities and sport-based games. It's a bit of a problem and I worry about it from the health POV -- this is a separate discussion.

But she has made good friends with the other children (mainly girls) who also don't really like team sports and they have a great time with imaginary play/reading.

Putting aside the health issue, from the perspective of social life etc. I wouldn't worry about this. Kids who don't want to get involved in team games etc are more thoughtful and more sensitive and sometimes they just need to find their "tribe". I was like this when I was young: I hated rough games and I found sport incredibly dull and there are many kids like this. There will always be like-minded souls and they will find each other.

My son was on the 2nd centile for height and weight throughout most of primary school he wasn't significantly slower than the other children in fact most of the time he was much faster. If she genuinely struggles to run then I would maybe get her checked out for physical issues as suggested by a pp. If its just that she is too shy to join in such games then that is a different issue.

She feels conscious about not being able to catch anyone or being the first one to be caught, etc so she avoids it altogether.

Sorry OP but if she runs at home and this is what she's concerned about, you're wrong to say she "doesn't like running". It sounds like she's anxious about being teased? Or just about being "the worst"? Maybe try to dig into this a bit.

Have you actually seen this in action at a playtime for example? Because I've never seen a playground where ALL the kids are zooming about unless it's an organised activity. Usually a mix of running games, singing/clapping/skipping/other standing still games and just hanging about/pretending stuff.

I wonder if this is more that one or two particular kids who she got on with last term have wandered off and now do the running, so she's saying "everyone" does it as that's how it seems to her.

To me it sounds like she needs to a) look around and see who else isn't running b) get over herself - I mean that nicely - about not being the fastest! Most people aren't.

My ds refused to play football at 5. He hates it and it's how all the other boys at school chill out at lunchtime. He refused to give in and curled up to read at lunchtime, and took no notice of them. I was worried too. Eventually the other kids accepted that he really wasn't going to play football with them and he made friends, just not football friends.
I'm sure your dd will find a way too.

This is a bit like boys with football though
Neither dh nor I like football at all
Don't follow it don't play it. We have footballs in the garden but don't do "kickabouts"
So neither of my dses like football really and aren't any good because we didn't sign them up for it
But they rub along okay and have found friends ds2 is y6 now and fine

@MintJulia

My ds refused to play football at 5. He hates it and it's how all the other boys at school chill out at lunchtime. He refused to give in and curled up to read at lunchtime, and took no notice of them. I was worried too. Eventually the other kids accepted that he really wasn't going to play football with them and he made friends, just not football friends. I'm sure your dd will find a way too.

Ha! I hadn't read the thread before I posted this!!!!

Can you organise some play dates after school, with girls from her class, @AliveAndSleeping? If it’s just her and one other person playing together, that might be easier for her, and the other girls will get to know that she is fun to be with, despite not enjoying running.

If you do it soon, it’s likely to be too cold and dark to play outside, so you could lay on some craft activities or games indoors for them to enjoy together.

She doesn’t enjoy running games - maybe she is hyper mobile, as PPs have suggested, or maybe she is a bit smaller than the rest of the girls so she can’t keep,up, or maybe she just doesn’t enjoy running - and there is nothing wrong with that. You can help her to make friends who like her for who she is.

Obviously I am not saying you should ignore any potential health/strength issues, and maybe if these are sorted out, she will come to enjoy running games - but either way, you can help her make friends right now.

My DD (9) has always been like this. Refuses to play tag as she is caught so quickly, doesn't run around in the yard, has never been one for running, jumping, balancing etc like the other children. In the very beginning of school she hated uneven ground and the teacher picked this up and told me.
She was checked by the doctor who noted her knees turned in slightly but shouldn't affect her balance too much. They think she has hyper mobility but nothing confirmed
She is completely different to the other kids in the class and mostly plays by herself but she is also very happy doing that too. The girls spend their playtime doing backflips and cartwheels and she doesnt relate to them.
But after many years of worrying I let her lead me and she's happy so I'm happy
I gently encourage friendships but there's only so much you can do