Aibu to feel like this

[Helphusbandsadick]

Ok so but if a long story but I feel all detail is needed.
So me and husband are pretty much high school sweethearts I was 17 and he was 20. We have always done absolutely everything together as we both had same friends and hobbies so we were literally always together. We have a 10 year old daughter and after years of trying and 4 miscarriages we finally had our son. My husband is very open about the fact he is really struggling parenting our son (to be fair he is a very difficult child and sometimes has several tantrums in a day) my daughter was a dream, if you told her NO to something she may have stuck her bottom lip out but that was it. My lad is the complete opposite and it’s getting to the point we can’t do a lot of things as I’m scared of what will happen. I can’t even go to the shops as it will all end in tears. This I can sort of handle as I know it’s just a phase and eventually my little lad will grow up the thing that is really bugging me is my husband. He will literally do anything he can to get out of parenting and all of a sudden I have realised just how selfish my husband is.
So in the first lockdown I worked from home and husband was furloughed, I thought great I’ll work upstairs and he can look after the kids and possibly do the housework then when I finished I will make tea. This didn’t happen, he constantly found diy jobs to do round the house so I ended up looking after the kids and working 48 hours a week. I also had to make all meals and do housework whilst he was for instance gardening. If I confronted him about it he would reply with “well do you want to do ” he did this daily.
Everyday whilst working I have a meeting which lasts for 20 minutes and is always at 09:30 so all I asked each day was to be left in peace for this 20 minutes but of course this didn’t happen and every morning he would go for a shower at 09:30 so I would have to have this meeting whilst looking after the kids so usually there would be shouting in the background or some days screaming all because husband couldn’t wait 20 minutes or even go before the meeting. He also stayed in bed most mornings on his phone “waking up as he calls it” whilst I was working from 6am everyday and making kids breakfast when they woke up waiting for him to come down so I could then concentrate on work. We would constantly argue about me working as he wanted to go out a do things but he wouldn’t do it alone with the kids and couldn’t grasp the fact that I was working - his theory is I was the only person that was ACTUALLY working whilst working from home and I needed to stop! What he didn’t get was I had just returned from maternity leave and into a new role so I was really aiming to impress (which thankfully I did)
Anyway fast forward to now. Husband is still the same regarding parenting. This is our daily routine
I start work at 5:30 am (work from home)
Husband start work 7am (goes into the office)
Toddler wakes up at 7am I get him ready and off to nursery
Daughter gets herself up and ready I make her breakfast and she goes to school for 9
I walk the dog
I work 48 hours a week
I make pack lunches (including his) everyday
I cook all meals
I do all laundry
I do all shopping
I do all childcare
I try and do the housework around working but if the house is a mess when he comes home he has a go saying I am at home all day why is the house not clean!!!
He works 7-4 when he comes home he usually goes on the drums then has a shower then sits down for tea made and then huffs and puffs if it’s his turn to bath the toddler.

My other issue is he has absolutely zero patience with the toddler, my toddler picks up on this and has recently decided he wants nothing to do with his dad and everything is “I want my mammy” I have told husband he needs to do more with son but neither of them seem happy about this.
My other issue is i find my 10 year old daughter is more of a parent to my son then the actual dad is! It’s crazy and currently it seems like it’s me and the kids and he is a lodger in the house.
I just cannot believe after 20 years I have noticed just how selfish he is and how it is me that actually does anything around the house.

We are currently in self isolation, all for of us have covid, I’m classed as vulnerable and have been the only 1 that has been poorly from it. All I wanted was a day in bed yesterday but husband decided to redecorate a bedroom (which did need doing) so I had to drag myself out of bed and look after the kids - his reply was “well you come and decorate them!”

I feel so resentful to him at the moment and I feel like I don’t want him to be around any more as me and the kids seem to be at our happiest when he isn’t around. He also always shouts at my daughter even when it isn’t her fault for something and he asks to much from her ie look after her brother and when something goes wrong he flips out. He seems to forget she is only 10 years old

I’m just after a bit of advice and aibu to feel so resentful like I am

And if you have read this far you deserve a medal!!! I’m sorry

He sounds awful. He won’t acknowledge you work and he won’t acknowledge you’re ill and he isn’t a good parent.
Have a good think. I don’t think you can make him understand reality because he is too selfish.

You are a superwoman. You have 3 children actually rather than 2 and an equal partner. What does he bring to the relationship and seriously consider if life would be easier without him.

He's prioritising jobs that just aren't important or urgent to avoid parenting like you say. He knows you will always cover for him. One day you won't physically be able to cover everything you will snap from the stress or from physical illness.

Time for a conversation about sharing the load it can't be avoided any longer otherwise it will be time for an ultimatum.

He sounds like an arse. As an aside, my daughter parented my son more than the ex and they’re still close now she’s grown up and he nearly is, which is nice.

How would you feel about asking him to move out?

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

I also had to make all meals and do housework whilst he was for instance gardening. If I confronted him about it he would reply with “well do you want to do ” he did this daily.

Were you scared of saying to him "no, I don't want to do X because I AM WORKING"? What would have happened if you had?

@Strugglingtodomybest

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

I also had to make all meals and do housework whilst he was for instance gardening. If I confronted him about it he would reply with “well do you want to do ” he did this daily.

Were you scared of saying to him "no, I don't want to do X because I AM WORKING"? What would have happened if you had?

I said this many a time and it turned into a massive argument about how I prefer work over family. He would also sneakily say to my daughter “I bet mammy says how she can’t do it because she is working” if he asked me to go for a day out or something!!

To be honest I would have moved out a while ago if we didn’t have so much financial commitments. We bought a caravan about a year ago and I am really tempted to move into that for a bit and see how a trial separation goes. The issue with doing the at is the kids would need to commute to school each day which is about 1.5 hours or they would have to live with him which I would fear for them! Not that he would harm them but they would be left to look after themselves! He literally never thinks about there food or anything not even hygiene. He even sees his arse if I ask him to brush our 2 year olds teeth!!!

You’d find life alone easier. LTB. He won’t change and he is happy to watch you suffer. He is not a partner and nor is he a parent. Shocking.

I said this many a time and it turned into a massive argument about how I prefer work over family.

He said that?! The cheek of it! At least working earns money, he's picking fucking gardening/DIY over family!

I think you really need to try and get away from him. Is there any chance that he would move into the caravan if you suggested a trial separation?

Can’t he go to the caravan?

@Thehop

Can’t he go to the caravan?

Then he gets to do what he wants and OP continues doing 99% of everything just as she already is.

@Helphusbandsadick move to the caravan for two weeks. Do not take the children.

Yeah he needs to go to the caravan. You are doing it all anyway and I presume you don't want to be without your kids. He needs a massive wake up call and he can think about what is at stake for two weeks on his own.

You should ask him to move out. Don’t move out yourself unless you have somewhere to go where you can manage the children without him.

Financial ties are problematic, but things can be sold and the proceeds split.

His snide comment to your daughter is him teaching her to disrespect you. You need to demonstrate to her what healthy boundaries look like and find a way to separate that doesn’t leave you in an unsustainable situation. Even if you can’t go right now, you should start working out a plan.

He’s taking advantage massively.

If it were me I’d want to talk about it with him. If no change then I’d be choosing between doing nothing for him and living separately in the same space or separating completely. I think you’d be happier without him.

Stop making his lunch and doing his washing for a start. He sounds so selfish and the laat straw for me would be not minding me when I'm sick. Higs to you x

Thanks for all your comments it really means a lot,
it’s crazy really I’m not sure what has changed as we used to have a lot of fun together and my husband used to be really funny and he would always want to do things together! Maybe things haven’t changed but lockdown made me realise or maybe he is in some kind of depression - he has gained an awful. Today is perfect example so we are in isolation and my little lad is now on day 7 of being stuck at home. I have just asked husband to take little lad out in garden as he is bored and starting to be naughty, just so I can crack on with laundry and husbands reply is “why does he want to go outside it’s freezing” baring in mind today is glorious and I have washing out which has dried and also took son out to play earlier and I was in a jumper having a brew and it was lovely!! Ok I’ll do it myself!!!
So now husband is happy, little lad is happy and I still have all the laundry to do!!! It was literally a 15 minute play outside!!

You could phrase it as “the laundry needs doing and ds needs to let off some steam outside, which do you want to do?”
(But then that would annoy me that I was the only one noticing everything what needed doing and having to micromanage.)

Ok well I have just hit the roof with him. He could tell I have been in a foul mood all day so I have been a cleaned the bathroom (it didn’t actually need doing as I did it yesterday!) but I wasn’t complaining as it’s a start! Anyway he followed me upstairs and said “do you notice anything?” So I replied “yes the bathroom has been cleaned” he then proceeded to say “well?”
That’s when I hit the roof “well f*ing what? Am I meant to say thank you? It’s your job as well. Don’t feel like your doing me a favour as it is your jobs as well as mine! And when was the last time I got a thank you for anything?”
And I kid you not his response was “well you are working from home so you have all day to clean the house, I go to work so am I expected to do it when I come home!!!!”

Honestly I think we are at a stale mate, I am so tempted to call work and say I’m coming back into the office but in reality I love working from home and I am far more productive from home so I really don’t want to go into the office but I cannot believe the arguments we have over this. He seems to think working from home is a day off!!! I bloody wish it was! My job is such a fast pace whereas his work is very slow and if he doesn’t do something in work it’s fine as someone else will do it! He doesn’t get the fact if I don’t do my tasks it builds up behind me so say if I have a week off I come back to a mountain of work and sometimes it’s easier to not have the time off. He thinks I’m stressed because of work. I’m not stressed about work at all, I work a million times better under pressure and enjoy being busy

I’m stressed because he is a nob and the biggest baby of the family

I have forgot to mention the caravan site is currently closed until March - I told him when it reopens I am going to live there for 2 weeks and see how I feel after that. I feel so sorry for the children, my daughter will really struggle with this xx

What is your long term plan? If you are giving it six weeks till March then wouldn’t it be better to arrange something more permanent.
What do you hope to gain from leaving for two weeks? What then?

Urgh he adds nothing to your life. Would you leave him?

No way should you move out. Tell him you want a trial separation, he can go to the caravan or elsewhere. Why the heck should you be the one to move out. He’s a complete fool, he clearly has no concept that working at home in an office job is no different to working in the office, the same job needs doing and like you say if they don’t get done you’ve got them to do tomorrow. I don’t see that this man brings any value to your life and I genuinely think you’d all be happier if you separated.

Leave him alone with the he kids every Saturday. Go do anything at all. If he doesn't like it tell him he'd like it a whole lot less doing it EOW as a divorced dad

Seriously though have they ever been alone with him regularly?

Sounds like things are just the way he wants them at the moment why would he change voluntarily to make life easier for you? Lazy shits don't work like that

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail

Leave him alone with the he kids every Saturday. Go do anything at all. If he doesn't like it tell him he'd like it a whole lot less doing it EOW as a divorced dad

Seriously though have they ever been alone with him regularly?

Sounds like things are just the way he wants them at the moment why would he change voluntarily to make life easier for you? Lazy shits don't work like that

Hey thank you everyone for your replies it really does mean a lot 😊 In reply to you shakeitoffshakeacocktail. No he hasn’t spent 1 single day alone with the kids! I have maybe gone shopping for an hour and even then it would have ended up in an argument or a snide comment telling me I better hurry up!! It is so crazy that it has gotten to this. He was a fantastic dad when my daughter was little or so it seemed but thinking back I can’t remember him taking her out anywhere alone not even the park!!! It’s so sad really as we used to have so much fun, maybe I have always just dealt with it as he was bringing the fun part to the relationship, but now he isn’t so I’m just noticing it more.

I remember I was shocked once when I spoke to my brother and he was taking the kids camping for the whole weekend as his wife was working so he wanted them to enjoy daddy time. My husband wouldn’t even entertain the idea of taking them out for the day let alone a whole weekend alone!!!

I definitely feel like we are beyond repair at the minute. The thing that scares me is I will look like the bad guy as at the end of the day he is a nice guy

Oh and also he seems to always take care of the kids more when someone else is present so if I ever said to anyone how shit he is then they cannot believe it!!! He has definitely been quite clever about it all.

Thinking about it, it would be easier all round for him to leave as if I did then I’m not sure who would take the kids to school and might be more upheaval for them to move into the caravan. It would make things so much easier if the van was closer to home and I would happily go x

You’re enabling this. Your son will end up like him and your daughter will put up with someone like him. He is a lazy bully and you deserve much better. Take care, op

I think you should get legal advice.

So sorry to hear this OP. Yes, he's an arse. Yes definitely LTB but I too think he needs to be in the caravan. You stay in the house with the kids. Sounds like your workload will be the same but there will be no reason to resent an idiot husband. Good luck