To ask how I phrase this?

9 replies

ImAshamed · 20/01/2022 10:52

I called MIL this morning to show her baby in an outfit she bought. She started moaning almost immediately that she's missing out on her baby growing up...

DH shut it down, she went quiet and then started nagging us about something else... but I know from past experience that she'll ignore what we've said completely; and do exactly the same the next time we talk to her.

DH has talked to them previously; and has said he will again, but they tend to just ignore him. He tells me to ignore their complaints; but I find it really difficult - I know that's on me, not him.

We can't meet them any more than we are, we just can't. That isn't likely to change any time soon, so I need a polite but firm way to stop the constant jabs about it, and expectations that they'll see us more.

I think, because of how they are, we're probably best not to offer too much of an explanation... So maybe just saying that I'm sorry they're unhappy but I've done as much as I can, and there's no way that we can accommodate more than we are, we're already missing things we wanted to do to involve them as much as we are?

I don't really want an argument with them. They were awful around the birth and when we met after that, they defended it on the grounds that it was what they needed to do... I'm still dealing with a lot of trauma and upset over the way that they behaved.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 20/01/2022 10:54

‘We understand that it’s upsetting for you but shall we try to enjoy the time we do have together? Guess what… DS just slept through’! ( or whatever)

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/01/2022 10:55

“I’m sorry you feel like that MIL. But this is our baby not yours, and we need time as a family on our own. It’s unfair to make out we’re keeping baby away from you”

Justmuddlingalong · 20/01/2022 10:57

Whenever the moaning starts, end the conversation, leave the room and let DH deal with phone call. If it's a video call take the baby with you. Every time.

IDontHaveThePelvisForAFuton · 20/01/2022 11:02

Oh god that sounds hard work. op. You went to the effort to call her and she was immediately demanding. That would put me off further calls.

How often do you visit/call?

thesunwillout · 20/01/2022 11:06

Sounds like how they behaved around the birth was the final straw.
What did they do?

2022success · 20/01/2022 11:13

Hasn't she already seen her baby (DH) grow up?

Stop initiating contact - let DH deal with her.

Natty13 · 20/01/2022 11:13

"MIL, we are a busy family and see you as much as we are able. If you continue to get more critical and less pleasant to spend time with, we will probably see you even less. Our spare time is precious, we won't be spending it with people who never have anything nice to say"
I said this to my exMIL (calmly, woth a smile). I had warned my ex that if he didn't find a way to nip it in the bud, I would. She was shocked, and furious. But it obviously struck a chord as it worked.

hopeishere · 20/01/2022 11:15

How often do they see the baby? How much more do they want?

ChargingBuck · 20/01/2022 11:30

"Your baby? Your baby is grown up, & in the kitchen getting the spuds peeled. My baby is looking forward to seeing you next thursday like we arranged - see you soon!"

& apart from that small correction every time she says "my" baby, to highlight to MiL how ridiculous she is being, Grey Rock the fuck out of them.
Because your instinct -
I think, because of how they are, we're probably best not to offer too much of an explanation

is 100% sound.

www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Flip